Husband (m45) tattles on wife (f44)

Submitted by Main-Elephant2985 t3_10q4qkw in relationship_advice

What can I say to my husband so he understands what a betrayal this is?

I (F44) am the daughter of a conservative pastor. My husband (m45) grew up in a non religious home. We met 10 years ago when I was out with friends at a bar. I gave him my number but regretted it the next day bc I didn’t want to go out with some guy I met at a bar. He kept texting me and finally after about a couple weeks, I answered his text. We both worked on a 2nd shift so we started texting at night after work. It was fun. We eventually met up in person again, Started dating, Got married.

But my gut was right. Don’t date someone I met at a bar. He’s quite controlling. Verbally and emotionally abusive. He gets livid if I stand too close to one of his male friends. He once berated me for days for being too close to his brother in an elevator. He’s crazy jealous of everything and everyone.

I will have a glass of wine ora cocktail on a Saturday night. Sometimes a drink at the pool. I found out while we were dating that he doesn’t really drink. So I don’t really drink much. The few times I have around him, he throws a fit and accuses me of being too friendly with all the men around, etc

I know this isn’t true because he’s accused me of these things even when I haven’t had a drink. Last weekend was our daughter’s birthday and we celebrated with friends after her party. Two days later, he started accusing me of being too friendly with my friend’s husbands. Of course I was not. When he starts in on this now, I ignore him. I know now he’s a cruel narcissist, and the best thing to do is try not to react, and eventually his fire will die out.

This tactic also makes him furious and for the third time in three years, he called my dad and told my parents I drink too much. He told them Whenever I’m with my friends, I always drink, and then I become too friendly and he can’t trust me.

It was a very dramatic, intense week, and after a few days, he is now no longer angry, and wants to be a big happy family again as if nothing happened.

To my parents, one drop of alcohol is too much. They believe anyone who drinks has a drinking problem. My husband feeds their worst fears with his insane accusations. I tell them that he is just trying to isolate me from them. He’s trying to make them mad at me. He’s trying to distract everyone from his awful behavior toward me.

Now he does not understand why I am so disgusted with him that he calls my parents and tattles on me. Does anyone else understand where I’m coming from? It’s such a betrayal at the very core, right?

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Unfairly_Certain t1_j6nt991 wrote

Making a narcissist understand your side of of an issue is like talking to the kitchen table. It’s not going to happen. You might want to check out the narcissism communities here on Reddit and the “grey rock” method of communication.

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Main-Elephant2985 OP t1_j6ntgjq wrote

Yes. That’s what I was doing. That’s why he said he called my parents because I would not talk to him about what he was upset about.

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Unfairly_Certain t1_j6orsq4 wrote

The thing about being a grey rock is you can’t break even when he draws other people in, otherwise he will learn that this is an effective method to get under your skin.

And if your parents, due to their own religious beliefs, are willing to become his flying monkeys, you might need to take a step back from that relationship as well. Or at least stop discussing certain topics with them.

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HarveySnake t1_j6nu2td wrote

Why on earth did you marry this guy? Why are still married? Why haven't you divorced him yet?

Really? Why???

As far as the "betrayal" goes, this is a situation where you are consuming a drug (alcohol, like caffeine, is a drug) that he objects to and he is trying to get you to stop using by getting his parents to pressure. From a certain point of view, some people would say he's doing a good thing. But given all the other bullshit it does come across as him being controlling and attempting to isolate you from your support.

What you should do is:

  1. Stop drinking. Unless you're an addict this shouldn't be a problem. It completely undercuts his argument too.
  2. Get a divorce lawyer
  3. Destroy him in court.
  4. After everything is done and custody, support, and all that is finalized, pour yourself a tall glass of your favorite and toast to your victory.
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ALittleBitBeefy t1_j6nszjl wrote

Are you actually surprised?

He doesn’t actually give a shit if it’s a betrayal or not lol. He’s moved onto gaslighting you, simply put. Get a divorce already, yeesh.

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Main-Elephant2985 OP t1_j6nt8pj wrote

No. But he seems surprised that I think him calling my parents hurts a relationship between 2 adults

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accordingtotrena t1_j6ny3ap wrote

Seriously, him “tattling” to your parents is the least of your problems.

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bus_emoji t1_j6nvxom wrote

Dating someone you met at the bar isn't the problem, the problem is you went and married a red flag factory.

There are plenty of people at the bars who are NOTHING like this. You married someone who is incompatible with you, and I don't understand why you did this. You need to leave. You need to repair your relationship with your parents by explaining who he is. You need to move out on your own.

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terrificallytom t1_j6o446q wrote

Yes. He is using your parents as a tool to control you. Just as your parents use religious bs to try and control you.

Good for you to understand that this is YOUR one and precious life.

Read some Mary Oliver and breathe into your own authenticity.

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Indecks9999 t1_j6o501o wrote

Im not sure why you stay. You live afraid to live a normal life. Walking on eggshells all the time is only waiting for some to break.

I hope you get help for yourself. You deserve to live and enjoy your life

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AffectionateBite3827 t1_j6o5e97 wrote

Oh yeah the root issue here is marrying someone you met at a bar.

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Embarrassed_Advice59 t1_j6oeohh wrote

oof...OP he is one bad apple...he's not going to see what you're saying even tho you're completely right

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Thelmara t1_j6p2c9h wrote

>But my gut was right. Don’t date someone I met at a bar. He’s quite controlling. Verbally and emotionally abusive. He gets livid if I stand too close to one of his male friends. He once berated me for days for being too close to his brother in an elevator. He’s crazy jealous of everything and everyone.

Meeting him at the bar isn't what's wrong with him as a partner.

>To my parents, one drop of alcohol is too much. They believe anyone who drinks has a drinking problem. My husband feeds their worst fears with his insane accusations. I tell them that he is just trying to isolate me from them. He’s trying to make them mad at me. He’s trying to distract everyone from his awful behavior toward me.

>Now he does not understand why I am so disgusted with him that he calls my parents and tattles on me.

You don't need him to understand. He has no reason to understand - you're currently putting up with his shit, have been since you started dating him, so why would he change now?

>Does anyone else understand where I’m coming from? It’s such a betrayal at the very core, right?

It's a cherry on top of the shit-sundae of a partner. Even if he hadn't called your parents about the alcohol, you should still leave him.

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