Need advice on marriage me (33M) wife (31f) of 11 years.

Submitted by ragnarocknrock t3_10qcc9t in relationship_advice

Need advice on marriage me (33M) wife (31f) of 11 years.

I came home in November from my oilfield job that keeps me away for 2 weeks at a time. I knew something was going on because i have my wife’s email logged into my phone and kept getting emails saying she deleted and deactivated her snap chat. It was probably about 5 times she did this. So I went through her phone and saw she was messaging someone and when I confronted her she admitted she was and liked him. But she cut off all contact with him because she said she wasn’t going to choose him over me.

Things are okay for the two weeks I’m home then I leave for my two weeks again. Things are a little different while I’m gone 8 hours away and so I tell her and she decides she wants space. She tells me she doesn’t want me to leave but wants to work on our relationship but also have friends to just talk too. I come home and She changed passwords all that. I noticed she doesn’t let her phone out of her sight and find out she’s talking to someone but she won’t tell me who just it’s a friend. I find out who she’s talking to it was the same guy from November. She messaged him as soon as left and they picked back up. She tells me she likes him and might want to see how it goes with him but still doesn’t want me to leave. I agree because I know I’m going to leave her and call him because I know what she’s been telling him is a lie.

A few days later I call him let him know we are separated but we still do everything together yes even sex. He doesn’t even let me finish before he tells me he’s going to block her and never talk to her again cause she lied to him about a lot and we end the call. He’s stuck to his word so far. I get home after calling him and she notices she’s blocked and comes to the room to ask me what I did eventually I tell her I called him and all that. She’s very angry cause she says I shoulda let her make the choice herself, and she didn’t even know if it would work because she only talks to him and I tell her it’s her fault she should have left and she would probably still be talking to him.

We start talking divorce but she stays at the house she’s upset even today about me calling him and confronting him. I ask her every now and then if she still likes him slot she says she doesn’t know. And still says she doesn’t know if she’ll talk to him again if he tries talking to her. So we agree to fake the relationship for our kids.

It’s been almost 3 months and she still isn’t sure what she wants but we are laughing, sleeping together and and acting normal, to an extent. She still tells me she loves me, kisses me and all that. But the small things like being loving, cuddling all that is kinda gone and that bothers me a lot.

We aren’t together she keeps her fb as single and posts a lot of sad songs so yesterday I ask her about it and I know she’s still sad about this other guy. So I ask again does she still like him a lot and will she talk to him again and her answer is the same I don’t know. She wants to figure out what she wants but I think I’m kinda done with it. I want to move on and leave her for good because I don’t want to be leaving to work and wondering what she’s doing or have to wake up everyday and think will today be the day she leaves cause she wants to talk to him again. What would anyone else do? Try to make it work or leave? I know she’s not talking to him anymore she gave me her passwords again goes everywhere with me leaves her phone laying around even asks me to check stuff on it again. My biggest hang ups right now are the not knowing if she’ll talk to him again and not knowing if she still likes him.

TL;DR wife got into an emotional affair with someone else and after a month of not talking to him still doesn’t know what she wants.

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nightowl2023 t1_j6p66i7 wrote

It sounds like you are the only person who is confused.

Your wife was cheating on you and has announced to the entire world that she is done with the marriage. And as an outsider it seems like you two would be better off as sex-partners and roommates than you would being committed to each other. And you even wrote that you wo are faking this for your kids.

Personally, I think you need to be a realist. I would look into a non-contested divorce with a written agreement to cohabitate for 3 years pending some major change to your current situation.

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trishsf t1_j6p699z wrote

I have this strange observation. If you can make it past 12 years of marriage, it’s likely to last. I can’t count the number of couples that got divorced year 11 or 12. Here’s what I know. Divorce sucks. I had to leave because he became a very angry man so I left for the kids after giving him many chances to get help. Every time the therapist turned the conversation to his issues, he bailed. You have a great foundation. Would you be able to get past this if you worked together to regain that magic that brought you together? If so, fight with everything you have. Divorce sucks even when you have no other choice.

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ragnarocknrock OP t1_j6p6vx6 wrote

I’ve talked to her about everything going on and her reasoning was my last and she has trust issues with me. So she turned to someone else. We’ve gone through a lot and are still together. She says she wants to try with me still but also says a part of her wants to try cause she’s scared to start over with someone else. She also went out with some friends and says she doesn’t know if she misses being single. So I think at this point I’m kinda close to being done.

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trishsf t1_j6p9o6t wrote

I understand. She basically tried out the single life while still married and then decided you were enough or that she didn’t want to make the effort it takes when single. I’m sorry that happened. I’m big on integrity.

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TheSoundOfKek t1_j6p6y8d wrote

Sounds like you need to divorce and end things amicibly while you still can.

She cheated on you, lied to you, and when caught, she goes "don't leave, but lemme think about hopping around some other guy."

She wants your money, but the romance of another man. That's what she's thinking about, but refuses to tell you because you're still a check to her.

The kids won't suffer as bad through a divorce than when their parents' have made them live a lie their whole lives...

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ragnarocknrock OP t1_j6p7dez wrote

She doesn’t need my money. And she’s made that clear a lot of times through our relationship. And she’s a very proud woman. She won’t stay if she knows she’s done or even talk to me if she didn’t love me. I know this for a fact. I was a bad person and angry a lot and she left me and went no contact for a month. I changed and she took me back. She can do it on her own if she needed too.

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TheSoundOfKek t1_j6p8q9x wrote

Well, I'm not sure what else to tell you...

You say you were a bad person (i'm assuming you fucked up somewhere, sorry If I'm wrong here), she left for a month as a temporary split, then you changed and got back together.

Does this imply the "well, I fucked up once and she took me back, so I should forgive her fuck up and take her back?" kind of feeling for you? Or do you feel different from this?

I honesty have no idea why she's being so indecisive, considering you describe her (from my point of view) is proud and very "self-reliant", when she should be able to make a more "progressive" choice rather than "beat around the bush"

Either way, I'd say it'll be really difficult to get back to where you once were, before this incident happened, and truthfully habe no idea of that can be reached again. How do you currently feel about your trust in her, and her trust in you?

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redditavenger2019 t1_j6p9o99 wrote

She wants to act single but wants what you provide. It's time to tell her to either commit entirely or leave. Demand an answer right then or you will make it. Then see an attorney to be protected.

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