I (F27) am drowning and overwhelmed. Fiancé (M28) does not care and ignores me.

Submitted by ThrowRAexhuasted t3_10q1gzg in relationship_advice

My fiancé (M28) and I (F27) are in a terrible disagreement about some life problems.

I work full time from home in a hospital call center. It is BUSY. I am on the phone every single second that I am working. If I take a step away, they document it and post it publicly to “motivate us to do better”. I also full time care for our infant daughter who is breastfed. I use my two small breaks a day to breastfeed her, and I try my best to keep her entertained through the work day. There is only so much I can do from the corner of the room on a computer. Our other two daughters come home from school while I am still working. I sit on a wooden kitchen chair which is killing my back, and I’ve put on an entire pants size since starting this. I’m so tired. Our house is a wreck. I had a mental breakdown and winded up phoning my grandmother who offered me a full month of my pay if I would quit. I told her I can’t just quit without something else lined up. I’ve been looking for something without so much phones. I’ve applied to so many places. I’m starting to resent my fiancé for this because of this:

My fiancé works as a supervisor in a large retail chain store. He is a great worker, and every respected in management. Twice now, here and his last company, he has been offered to go higher up in management. He denied it. He says he doesn’t want the stress of it. I supported him both times. But I am seriously struggling. I am drowning. I’ve told him I can not do full time and also care for our daughter. He ignores me. I told him he should reconsider going up in management because he would make what we do right now combined. He said, “I will NOT take that position so STOP suggesting it. It’s not a question.” He says he will hate his life. So why is it fair for me to hate mine because he doesn’t feel like it? He doesn’t want her in daycare because “she should be here with us.” When it’s ME who’s here working full time with her. If I do put her in daycare, I won’t be able to afford it.

He doesn’t want to be a retail supervisor. I get it. He wants to go back to school. I don’t exactly want to be a secretary forever either.

I don’t think it’s fair for me to have the same working responsibilities that he does while also having all of the child and home responsibilities. I am drowning. I can’t keep up. I want to blow my head off. He just ignores me. He slept on the couch to avoid me last night after I cried and told him i need help.

I just want to disappear. I don’t have a choice. We can’t afford it. I don’t know what to do. He just avoids me or tells me off.

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Cool-Reindeer-6145 t1_j6n8nk3 wrote

I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s ultimatum time. If he can’t get his shit together and support his family you need to leave his ass. Ask grandma for help.

Give him a deadline. Tell him that on march 1, 1 of 3 things will happen. Either

  • baby will be in daycare, paid for by him, or
  • he will be in management so you can step back and focus on caring for your children and caring for yourself, Or
  • you’re gone with the kid and he can have equal custody, which he’s going ti have to figure out how to manage with his job.
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PreferenceIcy3052 t1_j6ne1hb wrote

By the way you're telling the story, it sounds like your fiance is in the wrong.

It sounds like he feels attacked, and rather than understand your request for help, he feels pressured to do the things he doesn't want to do, such as take a higher position in his company.

You said this was just last night. So, maybe he will come around? If not, he needs to learn to take your requests for help more seriously. Sometimes there's more than one solution to a problem, so you two need to talk it out and compromise and go from there.

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ThrowRAexhuasted OP t1_j6nf7sk wrote

Replying to PreferenceIcy3052 (#1,664,652)

He struggles with being the offensive at all times. It doesn’t matter what to issue is. It could be the smallest thing. If I bring it up, he is immediately upset and withdrawn.

I don’t want to make him do thing he doesn’t want to do. But it feels like he has no problem forcing me into such a hard situation

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PreferenceIcy3052 t1_j6nmixw wrote

Replying to ThrowRAexhuasted (#1,665,035)

Well, that's the point. I haven't heard his side of things, but I'm telling you, he sounds like he's being very selfish.

Why should you have to do the brunt of the work? Either you find a way to make it 50/50, or the person who does the majority of the work ought to have the say in what's going to happen. In this case, that's you.

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