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ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mue5k wrote

Reply to comment by MusilonPim in Is he M45 F20 still in love with his ex? by ThrowRA-wwydiw

I’m having a hard time with it because I just don’t understand. If he left her and he can’t stand her why won’t he stop??? He keeps saying I committed to keep paying through the end of this year, and I’m like dude we are talking about getting married and kids how could you have kept this from me after marriage?!!

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teppetold t1_j6mwpyt wrote

His paying for her attention. And probably gets some control or something in return. Or he still loves her. No good options for you really. And definitely not since he hid it. And how sure are you that he left her and not the other way around? That would make more sense.

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ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6mwtet wrote

I mean he showed me some texts. He really did leave her, but that’s why I think it’s so odd. I’m wondering if he’s okay with this, that he’s okay with cheating too.

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teppetold t1_j6n0itj wrote

He still might regret it. Don't really see any reason that would be good for your future. Even if we are ignoring the huge red flag on him going after people so young. Usually control of some sort is involved. Young women tend to be much more susceptible to manipulation then the people his age. Financial aid provides control. I have no explanation other than that which makes any sense. Or his still desperately in love with her.

And yeah hiding this from you for so long means he has the mindset to hide serious stuff from you. And texts etc can be deleted and edited to fit a story, not saying that is happening but everything is kinda suspect after something this big

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missiemiss t1_j6my6jj wrote

Because he’s not over her - he still feels for her and her plight. He’s got his hand in many honey pots - maybe she went back home because her visa was up - if you don’t work on a work visa you go home / if you don’t got to school on an education visa you go home. Are you sure he is telling you the truth about this?

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ThrowRA-wwydiw OP t1_j6myqgy wrote

Yeah the whole situation was a nightmare. My concern is really that I think she is using him too. I’m not mad at the girl I mean to her, somebody else’s boyfriend is giving handouts?!! Hell yeah! I mean shit who wouldn’t take advantage😂 but I think she might’ve lied to him or mislead him…she said her family was dying and stuck there in Peru, then I do some digging and find out they are absolutely fine in America.

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kitkatquak t1_j6n02cy wrote

Who cares what she said. He’s the idiot that’s falling for it. He doesn’t respect you

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missiemiss t1_j6n0jrl wrote

Either way hun this guys seems like a fool and a tool. Is this really what you want? Try finding a man who has it together and only eyes for you. You deserve better - this guy ain’t it.

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MusilonPim t1_j6mvsyk wrote

He should have not kept things like this from you; regardless of whether or not he feared consequences or did not find it relevant.

Don't focus on what happened, focus on where to go from here. Let him know that you want to respect his decisions, but that you also want him to give you confidence that your future together will not be tainted by this issue.

His commitment to holding his word is commendable, but it gives you stress so see if there is a way that reduces it: perhaps you can set up an automatic payment that ends at a given date, perhaps he'll just donate the remainder of the money in one go, or perhaps he'll quit altogether if no solution can be found...

Either way it's not unreasonable for you to ask him to communicate to his ex that outside of the money he will cut ties altogether (if he really does despise her, but she still has an influence that might be the better solution for him as well. If it is, he will know it too)

I hope for you that a reasonable solution can be found for all of you.

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