How to talk my BFF (32F) about my (31F) money issues

Submitted by HanShotF1rst226 t3_10pmoa0 in relationship_advice

My (31F) best friend(32F) from college, S, is getting married this summer. We’ve been friends since our first week of college so 13 years. She lives abroad but grew up on the west coast. I live in the Midwest. We had very different upbringings and she has always been much more well comfortable financially than me (literal trust fund baby). I make an adult salary but am still drowning in student loan debt and trying to recover from some unexpected expenses in the last 6 months. She regularly paid for me when we were in college which I appreciated but it did create a kind of power imbalance between us.

She grew up in one of the highest income areas of the country and her friends from childhood (also invited to join her weekend) are at the same level as her when it comes to money. This is a group of people who have never had to have a job outside of their desired fields, for example, where I’ve had every crappy customer service/retail job imaginable from the time I was 16. It seems silly but I just know she doesn’t think about money how I do. She’s also marrying a man from the same financial background as her (He told us the first night we met him that he never had to check his back account because he just knew there was money there. I’m not a huge fan).

For her bachelorette in late March, she wants to do a weekend in LA. She then is having a “reception” in California 2 weeks later. I haven’t seen her in a decade almost due to her living so far away and me never being able to afford to travel that much after college. I do really want to attend both events but I have been having anxiety attacks about how I’m going to afford it. I can swing the flights but the hotel prices are insane and I’m really afraid that they will want to go to restaurants, bars, etc that will literally clean out my savings account. There’s also all the random costs like Ubers or rental cars, food during the day, etc.

How do I talk to her about this? We’ve discussed my financial states in passing but not in a long time. I spent way too much money in college (hence the excess student loan debt) trying to fit in with her and the other well off kids I went to school with. I don’t want to make her feel awkward but I also don’t want to put myself into a bad position for the rest of the year for 2 weekends that I’m honestly not even sure I’m going to enjoy that much. Should I bring it up or just try and scrape by?

TLDR: I’m way more broke that my friend getting married. How do I tell her I might not be able to afford her wedding activities after not seeing her in person for a decade?

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trishsf t1_j6ldwbb wrote

Don’t put it in debt for someone you haven’t seen in ages. Thank you so much for the invitation and I’ll be there in spirit. It’s not something I can swing right now. If she pushes back then she’s an entitled oblivious dick.

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MadTownMich t1_j6leeoh wrote

Be very honest. It’s okay to share your true financial issues. If she pays your way, please accept it graciously. If she hesitates at all, it is okay to say no. You support her but just can’t contribute the finances. Also, side note: you’re good. Unfortunately, most of us don’t have rich families or trust funds!

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FuckThrowawayHere t1_j6lxqk5 wrote

Text or phone call. I vote for phone call for something as sensitive as this and especially bc you haven’t seen her in a while so it would be better to get your tone across and less chance of miscommunication.

Tell her that this is a sensitive topic for you (maybe to help her gauge how to approach the convo), you’re really sorry but you can only afford one or none of the trips. Explain to her you wish you could go but truthfully you just aren’t in the best financial situation to spend that much money. And that you hope she understands. You wish she has a great trip and if you feel like, again apologize.

All of my best friends make a lot of money and I’m not financially in the best spot. We’re planning a friend reunion trip, we haven’t seen each other in 5 years. Like you, I can afford a flight but I have to account for food, drinks and possible Ubers. My friend is housing us so that’s a big chunk of money saved. But she suggested in the chat it would be fun to get a lake house on Airbnb. I know my people, so without hesitation I said “I can’t afford that” and she was fine with it. No pushback like “I can find a cheap one, it won’t be that expensive, etc”.

What I’m trying to say is, if someone is a friend, they’d understand. I totally understand the anxiety behind telling her bc money isn’t a fun topic at all and because of her background that she might be blinded about your financial situation. Overall, if she doesn’t take the information well, tbh it’s best to not have someone like that in your life. No one should ever judge or belittle someone’s financial situation, especially if it’s someone who isn’t doing well.

And I’m afraid you might be underestimating how much you’d be spending bc if they’re all wealthy, they might want to go to the most expensive places or spend without any care. Plus it might be hard to handle your finances if the bill is for a bunch of people, they might be people who split the whole bill between everyone.

Either way, best of luck! Just be honest and hope she understands. If she really is your best friend, no matter how many years apart, she will understand. If she doesn’t, sorry to say, she isn’t a good friend. In the end, never sacrifice your finances for a situation like this. It’s not worth you spending your money to prevent the awkwardness of not being able to show up, NOT worth it.

Also idk about your best friend but my best friends would be mortified if they knew I decided to put myself in a worse financial situation because I didn’t want to make anyone feel awkward if I said I can’t come. Hope this gives you better perspective if she were to react negatively. Def hoping for the best bc you deserve it!

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