He (39M) grabbed me and pushed me down, but I (28F) was the aggressor. Where do we go from here?

Submitted by Formal_Self_8191 t3_10pw2lk in relationship_advice

We’ve been together 2.5 years. We got into an argument and he was attempting to leave the house. Right now, he has an occupational license so he isn’t supposed to drive at certain hours. The dogs were worked up and barking nonstop because they knew something was up. This only caused the yelling to get louder and made things more chaotic. As he was bent down tying his shoe I threw a Kleenex box at him to try to get him to not leave. It was a stupid way to get his attention but I did it. The one dog is very protective over him and was standing between us. Well throwing that Kleenex box really got my boyfriend worked up, he got in my face, I got in his, and then he grabbed me and shoved me into the closet door. At that point, I start shoving him back and pushing back with my body weight as much as I could. Not ideal but my trauma from other relationships was kicking in so I was going into intense mode. Well it continued to escalate, the dog bit my leg, we both did some shoving but of course he’s stronger than me so he ended up pushing me down to the ground twice after that. I was pushing back as much as I could and I believe I was kicking at one point. It’s pretty blurry still. I ended up throwing a shoe at him at one point the second time I was on the ground because I was scared, I knew I was not going to win in a physical fight with him if it got worse.

I’ve been in assault situations before so I know I didn’t handle this well, I escalated it all and my brain just shut down and went into intense mode. I’m at fault too.

I just honestly don’t know where to go from here. We own a home together, various investments, I don’t want to lose my stepson either, etc. Our communication has severely broken down over the past couple months and I honestly am in shock. How did we get here? I believe the tipping point is the current custody battle we’re in the middle of. But still. Now I’m rambling. I just don’t know.

Any advice or insights? Should we go to counseling or is this the point of no return?

ETA:

Thank you everyone for your comments. It helps me build a more grounded perspective on moving forward with my life. We both apologized to each other but are still taking time to cool down. I’m not sure we will ever look at each other the same and that is a brutally hard truth. We agreed to live in separate parts of the house right now and this is NOT the future we want. This is not who we are, yet is who we have become and clearly that means we are not bringing out the best in each other anymore. That is as far as we got. I’m still heartbroken. Thanks again, everyone.

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ExpensiveEntrance2 t1_j6mjai0 wrote

Kinda feel as tho if the genders were swapped or if it was two dudes the comments would be different

You were having an argument, he opted to leave the situation and let things cool, you then assaulted him and he responded in kind.

If you aren't gonna be able to take someone in a physical fight then don't try to physically fight.

Hopefully you guys can sit down, apologize and work thru this. Come up with healthy ways to deal with these arguments and if that means he has to go for a drive or a run or whatever then let him.

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auntiecoagulent t1_j6mguf1 wrote

The whole relationship is toxic. Split up. Do a LOT of work on yourself

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Due_Box3639 t1_j6mty9c wrote

No good relationship will ever survive a fight like this. If you’re looking to find advice about how to fix this and move on while you stay together - you won’t find it. Put it this way, there are men you won’t feel the need to assault, and there will be men who won’t respond to being hit by cardboard with that kind of overkill. You want one of those.

I’m also suspicious because people always paint themselves better in these stories and you still don’t come off the best. Therapy is good for everyone but I emphasise its importance here.

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IzzyBologna t1_j6mgu3y wrote

You both have issues you need to work on and don’t need to be together.

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Zornagog t1_j6mh6q9 wrote

The point of no return is behind you. Get some individual counselling.

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hisimpendingbaldness t1_j6misuw wrote

You could try couples counseling to see if you can learn to communicate.

I wouldn't. The violence is a deal breaker for me.

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CompetitiveCoconut16 t1_j6nb8h9 wrote

You don’t want to lose your stepson, but do you want him to grow up in a house with parents that abuse one another? You guys need to break up and get help separately.

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dontspeaksoftly t1_j6mgt6x wrote

It sounds like you two are abusing each other. Unless you're both willing to go to therapy and commit to big changes, separating is probably the best call.

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DuskShades t1_j6mgnra wrote

Looks like you both chose violence here. Red flags on both sides.

First step would be to communicate & apologise to each other.

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victoraug19 t1_j6msu5b wrote

She chose violence, he just defended himself and his right to leave the place.

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DuskShades t1_j6mtvv4 wrote

Pretty hefty defence against a box of thrown tissues.

If you can't see that this was equally bad on both sides...

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victoraug19 t1_j6mu959 wrote

No it isn't, is not about the box is about he trying to leave and her stoping him and getting physical first. If she was trying to leave and he did the same thing this was not even going to be a discussion.

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DuskShades t1_j6muvm9 wrote

Dude, they are just as bad as each other. He could have still left but chose not to. She could have not then been equally as aggressive when face to face.

Just because you feel that it's justified having a fight because of thrown tissues, doesn't mean it is. Tissues are scary huh.

Can gender swap or have it as whatever genders you want & I'll still think they're both at fault.

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victoraug19 t1_j6mv3in wrote

Isn't that what he did? He was leaving she tried to stop him he removed her from his way and left.

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DuskShades t1_j6mv8tw wrote

Read it again, doesn't say she was in his way.

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victoraug19 t1_j6mvj7t wrote

If you interpret this as almost anyone would it's clear this is the case. Ask op, if she answer a comment that's not poor you we will know for sure.

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DuskShades t1_j6mvptj wrote

Keep telling yourself whatever you want to justify being violent to others. It's sure not self defense...

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Formal_Self_8191 OP t1_j6o6751 wrote

He isn’t supposed to drive at certain hours. He has an occupational license restricting him from doing so. I don’t want to jump on his back or yank on him to stop him, so idk why but I threw the tissues. Because the protective dog was between us and barking nonstop, I can barely yell loud enough over the barks. Then I walked up to him after throwing the tissues because the dog had moved at that point and asked for keys. He was facing the door and I was behind him. I was not between him and the door. He turned around and That’s when I was pushed into the closet and he held me there while yelling something. Idk what anymore.

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Ambitious-Cover-1130 t1_j6mg2k4 wrote

In short - attacks of this kind is a BIG RED FLAG.

Find a lawyer - check your finances NOW

Ensure that you are ok as much as you can.

Even though you might loose something it is ok.

Just prepare to get the hell out of there.

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Formal_Self_8191 OP t1_j6mgl0o wrote

I was afraid to hear this answer, but deep down I knew it was the bigger possibility. I am truly struggling with the fact that I “attacked” first. Like I brought this on myself, he would’ve had no reason to do what he did if I didn’t start it. If only I just backed away and cooled down.

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victoraug19 t1_j6mt0tl wrote

Yeah because you did. You are the abuser in this one op.

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CuteDerpster t1_j6mz5fq wrote

You didn't "attack" him first

You attacked him first.

Dont play it down.

Not once in your post do you mention that he got violent other than pushing you down.

You on the other hand were throwing stuff and kicking him.

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Formal_Self_8191 OP t1_j6o8uko wrote

Yes, I think I was kicking. After I was on the ground and being held down. That part is fuzzy still but that’s how I remember my kicking coming into play because the rest of the time I was walking around trying to gather myself.

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Ambitious-Cover-1130 t1_j6msnqu wrote

Throwing a box of paper is not comparable to physical manhandling. Stop feeling guilty.

Edit.

You could argue that you started the altercation- still one has to argue that men are not allowed to manhandle women. It is the same reason that a professional boxer will get a very hard sentence if he is a street fight and someone gets hurt. The boxer has an advantage. A grown man has the physical advantage (as you see) towards women.

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