How do I [25F] convince my bf [25M] to split the bill without hurting his pride?

Submitted by ThrowRA234m t3_10oy861 in relationship_advice

I'm a 25F and I want to start of by giving some background. My very first boyfriend's(26M) "love language" was giving gifts. He insisted on paying for everything (mainly food) and said he enjoyed taking care of me and at the time I enjoyed being spoiled so I let him. However, whenever we fought he would calculate how much money he has "wasted" on me and he would casually tell me his friends called me a gold digger. That 2 year relationship ended with him cheating on me but left me with a complex about people spending money on me. After that I never let anyone pay for my meals or give me gifts unless it's on my birthday.

Recently(less than 2 months) I started dating a new guy(25M) and I've always insisted we pay 50/50 for everything especially meals. We were friends for a long time before we started dating and he was fine with it then but now that we're dating he says it hurts his pride and always rushes to pay before i can remove my wallet. I usually let him pay at restaurants and then transfer half the amount on the bill to his account latter on.

It really annoys him but I'm never letting someone pay for me again. I tried to get him to alternate (where if he pays for one meal, I pay for the next) but whenever its my turn to pay he hardly orders anything and insists he's not hungry.

I don't know what to do. I've tried to explain it to him but he says I just need to trust him.

How do I find a middle ground where both of us are happy?

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icanschwim t1_j6hfcby wrote

Maybe you could each take turns paying when you go for datenights?

I will admit at the start of my relationship I had this weird thing about being the one to pay or being "seen" to be the one paying because I'm the "man". Like I had to prove I was the provider I guess? But who the fuck was I proving it to?

Its so cringy and redundant looking back on it. Who fucking cares who's paying?

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tinyqueenb t1_j6hfeyh wrote

People who use money as a manipulation tactic suck. Your ex is trash for doing that to you. People who love bomb with gestures, gifts, and spendings only to use it as a weapon against you are narcissistic. You didn’t force your ex to pay for you. He’s full of shit.

I get why you now are distrustful of having people pay because you think it could be used against you. I would just tell your current boyfriend where your feelings are coming from and take solace in knowing you have done more than enough to try to split payments. If your boyfriend insists he’s comfortable paying on dates and doesn’t want 50/50, a nice middle ground is maybe establishing whoever suggests the date pays.

You can come up with some date ideas ahead of time and prepay activities! That way you’re also contributing. I personally don’t find splitting the bill a big deal. It shouldn’t hurt someone’s pride when a partner wants to equitably contribute. :)

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Proper_Strategy_6663 t1_j6hjsdh wrote

Have you told him about your trauma and told him that his pride doesn't supercede it? And honestly fuck toxic masculinity be where men's ego is tied to their wallet.

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