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Why can't you go? She thinks she's going to be jumped by racists, does she think by going to a wedding that it means you're a racist too? What's going on there?

This does sound very controlling. Does your partner enjoy socialising at any other occasion? Would she be happy for you to go to any other kind of event? Honestly this sounds like social anxiety that's been left unchecked, but that's only because I've had friends behave similarly.

At this point it feels like you've known this friend long enough that they're practically family. You should go to the wedding.

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It's fine if she doesn't want to go, but not wanting you to go is controlling and a red flag. Go enjoy the wedding.

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There’s no dilemma here. You should go to the wedding. She certainly doesn’t have to accompany you if she doesn’t want to, and nor should you attempt to convince her (and it sounds like you’re not pressuring her, which is good), but it’s childish and controlling of her to try to stop you from going to a friend’s wedding—especially a GOOD friend’s wedding—simply because she doesn’t want to go. You don’t list ANY reason here why she thinks it’s ok to ask YOU not to go on your own.

Your wife is your priority and she should be your priority overall, but this is not a reasonable request from her. You are not obligated to change your behavior every time your wife isn’t comfortable with something. This is a HER problem not a YOU problem. The compromise here is for you to go and she stays home, NOT to prevent you from going at all.

“Honey, I’d love you to be there too, but I totally understand that you’re not comfortable accompanying me to this wedding, and I’m fine with you not going. But this is the wedding of one of my best friends, someone who is really important to me, he was a lifeline for me while I was growing up, and I’m honored that he invited me to this important day in his life. So I’m going to accept the invitation on my own and attend it. Can you tell me how you’re feeling about this?”

She just feels uncomfortable surrounded by loads of white people she doesn't know, as she's faced some pretty hideous racism in similar situations in the past, before we were together. Also one of the pictures of the bride to be on the wedding website is the first picture of her and my friend together at a festival where they met. In the photo she is wearing a Native American headdress. She sees this as cultural appropriation which has also put her off and made her mad that I still want to go. I agree with the cultural appropriation bit, but the picture is from 10+ years ago and I highly doubt it's something the bride to to be would do now, however I've made it clear I want to go to support my friend, nothing else.

She doesn't really enjoy socialising tbh, she's become a bit of a recluse. She's an incredible human, really kind, funny and warm, but there's definitely some issues that I'm struggling with. Most of the time she's happy for me to go to any other kind of event, but she definitely likes doing everything together, I think it makes her feel safe. She has had therapy in the past but not for very long. Honestly it sometimes feels like we're going down different paths but I love her deeply so it's really hard.

Thanks for your response. There's no pressure from me, even though I would love her to come and would love for us to just be able to enjoy it. She hasn't outright asked me not to go, but she has and will give me a hard time if I do. She saw a photo of the bride from ages ago wearing a Native American headdress which also put her off and for her is another reason why I shouldn't go, owing to the cultural appropriation. I agree with the cultural appropriation bit, but I don't think a picture from a festival 10+ years ago is reason enough to not go. I am going to support my best friend, nothing more. She's become pretty hard line on a lot of different things and has cut off a number of her own friends as well. Thanks for your advice, it's much appreciated. I thought I was going mad.

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10+ years ago, it hadn't really hit a lot of people how insulting it was to do the headdress thing. I remember back in grade school (a lot longer than 10 years ago) how we would make feathered headbands out of construction paper while we were taught about the totally symbiotic relationship between the Native Americans and the pilgrims. We've learned a lot since then. We learn and grow as people and it's unrealistic to think people don't make mistakes, even racial ones.

Maybe bring up couples therapy. It can help define the paths you're on and whether those will be together or apart. Hopefully together.

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Has his group ever done anything racist to her or other black people to make her think this way?

If she's really that scared to be around a bunch if white people so much so that she thinks you shouldn't go then she's nuts and I'd reevaluate my commitment

Hopefully she gets the help she needs to get over herself

She needs to go back to therapy as it's clear she is dealing with a lot. I don't think someone wearing a headdress 10+ years ago when cultural appropriation was talked about is a reason to deny your right to go see your bestest friend get married.

Of course she can decline to come, but it doesn't give her the right to dictate to you that you can't go. Has there been any other instances where the bride or groom has said anything remotely racist and it could feel as if you are taking their side over her? That's the only thing I could think of that might upset her?

Being a POC, it's understandable for her to have her guard up, but it sounds like she's taken things to an extreme in some cases. Yeah, rocking a tribal head dress at a festival isn't great, but I don't think an isolated incident like this, given the context, is grounds to not even want to talk to the person. Her scope of violations seems to be pretty wide from what I see.

Go to your friend's wedding. If she has an issue with it, you need to have a serious discussion with her about what she is expecting for the two of you if YOU aren't black. I know the world we live in has incredible racial problems but if you aren't going to be able to even hang out with a friend who may have said something as trivial as "I don't like rap music" because she will see it as a racist comment, you are going to suffer for the rest of your life.

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Thank you, this is really invaluable advice and I really appreciate it. All I want is to do the right thing but in this instance I was having a difficult time knowing what that looked like. Thanks again for taking the time

You're welcome. I've been with a Korean American woman for 6+ years and it's been a very important part of our relationship to understand the cultural differences, what she finds offensive and being aware of how she is reacting to something. Thankfully she is really open about it and isn't so wrapped up in it that she lets it ruin relationships.

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Wow. I’m floored at how incredibly stupid and selfish her reasoning is for trying to control your behavior.

She has problems you can’t fix.