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[deleted] OP t1_j6mqm6b wrote

Reply to comment by TortoisePenetration in Partner(37F) of 5 years doesn't want me (30M) to go to one of my best friends wedding by [deleted]

She just feels uncomfortable surrounded by loads of white people she doesn't know, as she's faced some pretty hideous racism in similar situations in the past, before we were together. Also one of the pictures of the bride to be on the wedding website is the first picture of her and my friend together at a festival where they met. In the photo she is wearing a Native American headdress. She sees this as cultural appropriation which has also put her off and made her mad that I still want to go. I agree with the cultural appropriation bit, but the picture is from 10+ years ago and I highly doubt it's something the bride to to be would do now, however I've made it clear I want to go to support my friend, nothing else.

She doesn't really enjoy socialising tbh, she's become a bit of a recluse. She's an incredible human, really kind, funny and warm, but there's definitely some issues that I'm struggling with. Most of the time she's happy for me to go to any other kind of event, but she definitely likes doing everything together, I think it makes her feel safe. She has had therapy in the past but not for very long. Honestly it sometimes feels like we're going down different paths but I love her deeply so it's really hard.

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GreenOnionCrusader t1_j6n2trs wrote

10+ years ago, it hadn't really hit a lot of people how insulting it was to do the headdress thing. I remember back in grade school (a lot longer than 10 years ago) how we would make feathered headbands out of construction paper while we were taught about the totally symbiotic relationship between the Native Americans and the pilgrims. We've learned a lot since then. We learn and grow as people and it's unrealistic to think people don't make mistakes, even racial ones.

Maybe bring up couples therapy. It can help define the paths you're on and whether those will be together or apart. Hopefully together.

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Kelski94 t1_j6n7lyv wrote

She needs to go back to therapy as it's clear she is dealing with a lot. I don't think someone wearing a headdress 10+ years ago when cultural appropriation was talked about is a reason to deny your right to go see your bestest friend get married.

Of course she can decline to come, but it doesn't give her the right to dictate to you that you can't go. Has there been any other instances where the bride or groom has said anything remotely racist and it could feel as if you are taking their side over her? That's the only thing I could think of that might upset her?

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