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gordonf23 t1_j6mov9c wrote

There’s no dilemma here. You should go to the wedding. She certainly doesn’t have to accompany you if she doesn’t want to, and nor should you attempt to convince her (and it sounds like you’re not pressuring her, which is good), but it’s childish and controlling of her to try to stop you from going to a friend’s wedding—especially a GOOD friend’s wedding—simply because she doesn’t want to go. You don’t list ANY reason here why she thinks it’s ok to ask YOU not to go on your own.

Your wife is your priority and she should be your priority overall, but this is not a reasonable request from her. You are not obligated to change your behavior every time your wife isn’t comfortable with something. This is a HER problem not a YOU problem. The compromise here is for you to go and she stays home, NOT to prevent you from going at all.

“Honey, I’d love you to be there too, but I totally understand that you’re not comfortable accompanying me to this wedding, and I’m fine with you not going. But this is the wedding of one of my best friends, someone who is really important to me, he was a lifeline for me while I was growing up, and I’m honored that he invited me to this important day in his life. So I’m going to accept the invitation on my own and attend it. Can you tell me how you’re feeling about this?”

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[deleted] OP t1_j6mr89k wrote

Thanks for your response. There's no pressure from me, even though I would love her to come and would love for us to just be able to enjoy it. She hasn't outright asked me not to go, but she has and will give me a hard time if I do. She saw a photo of the bride from ages ago wearing a Native American headdress which also put her off and for her is another reason why I shouldn't go, owing to the cultural appropriation. I agree with the cultural appropriation bit, but I don't think a picture from a festival 10+ years ago is reason enough to not go. I am going to support my best friend, nothing more. She's become pretty hard line on a lot of different things and has cut off a number of her own friends as well. Thanks for your advice, it's much appreciated. I thought I was going mad.

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gRainbird t1_j6n8t2c wrote

Being a POC, it's understandable for her to have her guard up, but it sounds like she's taken things to an extreme in some cases. Yeah, rocking a tribal head dress at a festival isn't great, but I don't think an isolated incident like this, given the context, is grounds to not even want to talk to the person. Her scope of violations seems to be pretty wide from what I see.

Go to your friend's wedding. If she has an issue with it, you need to have a serious discussion with her about what she is expecting for the two of you if YOU aren't black. I know the world we live in has incredible racial problems but if you aren't going to be able to even hang out with a friend who may have said something as trivial as "I don't like rap music" because she will see it as a racist comment, you are going to suffer for the rest of your life.

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[deleted] OP t1_j6ndm1o wrote

Thank you, this is really invaluable advice and I really appreciate it. All I want is to do the right thing but in this instance I was having a difficult time knowing what that looked like. Thanks again for taking the time

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gRainbird t1_j6nf44d wrote

You're welcome. I've been with a Korean American woman for 6+ years and it's been a very important part of our relationship to understand the cultural differences, what she finds offensive and being aware of how she is reacting to something. Thankfully she is really open about it and isn't so wrapped up in it that she lets it ruin relationships.

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