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ApplesxandxCinnamon t1_j29berg wrote

This is so bizarre.

I know some people are ashamed of masturbating. I know why. But dude you literally caught her with her hand in the cookie jar and she denied it to the point that you think you're developing a mental illness.

That is beyond concerning. That is giant red flag waving in the wind while nuclear explosions go off in the background.

And she's choosing this as her hill to die on? She's willing to risk her relationship over this?

You said this behavior aligns with other narcissistic traits. If this is true and it's enough for you to think you need to end it, then end it.

I personally would not marry anyone who gaslights me, especially over sex.

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ContextTypical t1_j2ao4j2 wrote

Perfectly stated. If I were her partner I’d never believe a word she said. What other not so obvious things could she be so comfortable lying about? Soooo weird! I could never marry a person like this.

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Lady_Looshkin t1_j2bqvwq wrote

Cookie jar is an excellent name for a vagina. 😂

Jokes aside, I completely agree. If she will lie and gaslight about something like this, how are you expected to trust her with bigger things going forward? What won't she lie about and how could you ever trust that she was being truthful? I personally couldn't live that way, best of luck to OP moving forward.

23

JuliaHowells t1_j2c2sjy wrote

If she’s going to lie about this, what else is she going to lie about. This is wild!

4

olive_owl_ t1_j2b3rlv wrote

So she masturbates ALL night until it was light outside?? That seems weird.

275

GimmeQueso t1_j2bg55v wrote

That’s what got me? Like, that just doesn’t seem plausible.

100

smolbirb123456 t1_j2bo9nb wrote

It's a fetish post probably based on all the weird details

199

GimmeQueso t1_j2bu04e wrote

Ohhhhhh that makes so much sense. Idk how I didn’t think of it… but also, isn’t that what whatpad is for? 😂

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smolbirb123456 t1_j2bu5n9 wrote

some people get off on humiliation or the idea of others being disgusted by their actions which means sometimes they unfortunately post these things on inappropriate places to get their rocks off

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SednaNariko t1_j2cayob wrote

Also don't forget the "sucking" noises

Like unless you work for the circus or something you cannot be sucking yourself down there.

40

TheHierothot t1_j2cjykv wrote

I kinda assumed it was a suction-style vibrator, that is provided I can look past how clearly fake it is.

9

Homicidal__GoldFish t1_j2cl882 wrote

doing that for as long as she was doing it?? shes GOT to be raw down there then.... shiet MiNE is hurting thinking this poor woman going at it for so long

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_thundercracker_ t1_j29pbqx wrote

So let me get this straight: she thinks gaslighting you to the point you’re questioning your sanity is more appropriate than discussing something that makes her feel uncomfortable? Or is it the hypocrisy that’s making her lie her ass off?

214

murphski8 t1_j2btez1 wrote

Hours? No way. There are other subreddits you can post these stories to.

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deepspacenineoneone t1_j2cj7yo wrote

THANK YOU. I had to scroll way too far to find another rational person. (I just wanna talk about the sucking sounds? WTF is that meant to imply?)

40

shygrl__ t1_j2agsjq wrote

What I'm most stuck on is why she chooses to do this lying next to you in the bed where the prospect of getting caught is high. Like why not just go to the bathroom? And then when getting caught, she denies and denies. I do think she is definitely feeling some shame around what she's doing, but again why do it with you literally right there?

I think it would be good to have a serious discussion with her about the future of your trust in her if she continues to lie to you. The way the post reads sounds like this is something she just recently started doing as of 6 months ago, so maybe there is a connection there with something else? Has she started new medications that make her libido irregular, or something of the sort?

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Ok-Preparation-2307 t1_j2b0xoj wrote

Some people get off on the thought of being caught. It's an actual kink.

29

Weak_Seesaw_7838 t1_j2b5elm wrote

100% that’s what it is. She needs that excitement to get off. If she admits it to him it will ruin the fantasy. She will not stop this. It could be a hot role play for them adding some kink play for her getting caught. They need to get on the same page.

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panda_pandora t1_j29b8ww wrote

You definitely need to have a sit down talk about how the lies are affecting your mental health and tbh probably your ability to trust her also. Its weird she is lying about it. Maybe she is embarrassed which would make some sense as most women are not as open about masturbating as men are but at the point that it is making you feel insane that embarrassment is not worth hiding this over.

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76584329 t1_j2aqod8 wrote

It sounds like he did try talking to her and expressing how this has affected him, but she's having none of it.

  1. She's set one rule for him and another for herself.
  2. her denying her hypocrisy is more important than her husband's mental health. And 3) you can only save a relationship with someone who is willing to be honest, open, listen , and compromise.
15

daniel420texas t1_j2azs0j wrote

The only time i have seen someone flat out deny something so obvious , is with my narcissist ex. He would lie about stuff that i SAW him doing ! I questioned my sanity, until i got video proof of what he was denying , and he kept denying it. It was infuriating , and i dont blame you for feeling so frustrated ! Thats crazy. WHY would a person try to make you question your sanity?? Its actually mentally hurtful . WTF !!!! He even told me "does anybody in your family have schizophrenia?" knowing damn well he was lying. I think its extremely abusive.

idk ,, thats a big red flag, WHAT ELSE WILL SHE LIE ABOUT WITH NO REMORSE??? I wouldnt want to stay in a relationship with somebody who is capable of that. I suggest getting out of that relationship before it goes any further.

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cadaverousbones t1_j2a8tmd wrote

I would probably break up if my fiancé was doing something like this.

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excel_pager_420 t1_j29s7me wrote

Does she have hyper religious or controlling/conservative parents? Sounds like she has negative feelings around masturbation, like shame or trauma. I remember at school when a guy asked me and my girls friends if we masturbated and all my friends were like, "ew, no". It sounds like your fiancé is still stuck in that mindset, still sees it as this shameful thing she shouldn't claim.

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PinkBedazzledLeotard t1_j2bhyqv wrote

I’m sorry but trauma isn’t an excuse to be a narcissistic gaslighting asshole that ignores pleas from your partner to be honest for their mental health.

8

excel_pager_420 t1_j2cyp5h wrote

I wasn't trying to excuse her behaviour but provide a possibly explanation OP could explore, as his post indicated he's not quite ready to leave the relationship and wanted to make one last attempt at getting her to be honest.

1

wernercd t1_j29ac42 wrote

Sit down and talk to her and tell her she needs to stop gaslighting you. If she can't be honest then that's a huge issue.

You've *LITERALLY* caught her in the act.

The only extra step you could do is install a hidden camera and that's... problematic on it's own. But that would be "look. you can't deny this." to a new level - but that would be over the line to be honest for something you ALREADY know to be true.

I don't know if I'd say end the relationship but counseling or something to bring out that yes, she is in fact doing this and it's affecting your relationship to be lying about it.

26

pbd1996 t1_j2axgpt wrote

I will say, as a woman, I can’t masturbate while standing or sitting. I have to lay down. That’s probably why your wife masturbates in bed even though you masturbate in the bathroom. That being said, she shouldn’t be lying about it or doing it while you’re right there (unless your comfortable with that). I wouldn’t even keep asking her/questioning her. Just tell her “if you want to masturbate please do it when I’m not in here.”

24

Solitary_evening t1_j2abcwz wrote

Is it possible she is doing this in her sleep? Maybe next time record it and show it to her? I know that’s weird to do but…this whole situation is weird.

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juliaskig t1_j2ae71b wrote

That's my guess. I think it's wet dream.

1

WRose287 t1_j2alt7m wrote

I am just going to put this here, but you are in the situation so you know best.

I knew a girl in college who was constantly at the doctor for her vagina/vulva, it was red and inflamed a lot of times and she was very confused and concerned. She even thought she could be being sexual assaulted in her sleep by the person sleeping in her dorm room. It was so bad and irritated. She went to several gynecologists, no one had answers, it just appeared to have scratches and be inflamed. She went to a sleep specialist because of her anxiety (nothing related to the vulva/vagina stuff) and she slept in a controlled environment for a few days. They found out she masturbated in her sleep. She always had long nails and that's what was causing it to always be red and inflamed. She got her sleeping meds, cut her nails and from the meds alone it appeared to help this.

I've also heard of a guy who did this too but in his ahole. Some people do masturbate when they sleep. But, again, you saw it happening you know it best.

Have a serious talk with her if you think she is just lying. This is affecting your mental health and there is nothing to be ashamed about, maybe even talk about masturbating in front of each other as foreplay if you are into it. But explain that you don't find it weird or off-putting, you even find it healthy and sexy. But the lying is getting to you and that is unacceptable.

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random_english_guy t1_j2axwwe wrote

Just fucking drop her. A relationship cannot exist on a foundation of lies. She lies despite being caught in the act, she lies despite having the evidence on her fucking fingers.

If she is too proud to admit it and would prefer you believe you're schizophrenic rather than admit to masturbating, just think of what she could do during a crisis, or what she has already done without you knowing. For a titanic metaphor, there's enough room for two on that door, but she'll push you away from it saying theres only room for her.

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Emergency-Ad-3355 t1_j29yu82 wrote

You plan to get married and you are still dealing with lies and misdirection? You do need better communication or you will end up divorcing not long after marriage.

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DMmeUrPetPicts t1_j2bvgqn wrote

WAIT!! Someone please find the post a couple months ago from the woman’s pov where she is not doing this an her partner is gaslighting her…

It was posted maybe 2 or 3 months ago on this subreddit

15

KindheartednessNo167 t1_j2c0db0 wrote

Yes!!! I remember the other post. I swear there are writers that just like to make up fan fiction for this thread. Lol

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ontheotherside_throw t1_j2b8jf2 wrote

Pulling together a few different thoughts in some of the replies here, but either one of two things is going on. Either she feels some shame about telling you about her masturbation habits, or it's happening in her sleep and she doesn't know.

Years ago, I dated someone that denied masterbating when we were early in the relationship. It took almost a year before she opened up about it, as well as some of her other sexual desires. She wasn't comfortable talking about it, and I learned later, the more I pushed her on it, the less likely she was to talk about it. Your GF may not be ready to share that part of herself with you yet (even if it does turn you on) and that is totally ok and within her rights. Yes, it then gets weird that she's doing it in bed next to you, as it's also fair to know if someone is performing a sexual act on themselves in the bed next to you.

As others noted here, she may have some sort of sexsomnia. If she hasn't had a long term partner that she sleeps next to before, this may not have come up before. This also may have just started happening more recently. Also, she may even have some suspicions around this, but has a lot of shame coming to terms with it and/or admitting it.

The issue is now on the table, so you need to address it, but very delicately and respectfully.

"Hey, GF. I want to talk about something a bit awkward. I know we've talked about the masterbation thing before, and I don't want to rehash the same thing over and over. That said, I feel like we need some clarity about this before we go forward, as it's become a weird thing hanging over our relationship. I want you to know I'm not judging you for anything, and nor do I want to put you in a position that is uncomfortable. That night, while we were in bed, you were masterbating. It's happened before as well. Now, it is totally possibly that you were doing this in your sleep and didn't not realize you were. This is a thing that some people do, and from what I've been reading up about it, they can't control it and often have no idea they are doing it. If that's the answer here, again, I'm not judging you for it nor should you be ashamed about it. You may want to talk with your doctor about it, as sexsomnia is a type of sleep disorder, and it would be good to not only get an answer as to what is going on here, but also to make sure it's not a sign of some larger sleep or health issue.

That said, if what's really happening is you are getting yourself off and just don't want to tell me about it, that's ok. You have your right to your privacy, and I completely respect that. However, I also have the right to not have someone perform a sexual act while sleeping next to me. I'm not going to ask you any more about it, but I must ask and insist that if you are going to, please don't do it while I'm sleeping or trying to sleep next to you. This whole thing has left me feeling very awkward, as I'm sure it has you, and I think the best thing would be to keep that solo time 100% solo. Again, I love you and I care about you, I respect you privacy, and most of all, I'm concerned for your health and our health together."

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camlaw63 t1_j2c4sjw wrote

Geez, what would this post look like if you did want to make it long?

12

dotslashpunk t1_j2c8alz wrote

is this post actually real? if so this is completely insane.

9

Illustrious_Front669 t1_j2bfsyf wrote

She may not see it as masturbation. She may have been taught that it was just "scratching an itch". A lot of hyper religious people literally convince themselves of this in order to prevent eternal damnation due to sinning. She may feel intense shame. She may start to masturbate in her sleep, only waking when the big O hits. There are so many variables. Have you asked her to touch herself for your viewing pleasure? Maybe mutual masterbation will show her that it is, in fact masturbation? A lot of people feel intense shame while pleasuring themselves. If this is the case, only therapy can help this. Therapy and patience. Does she have past trauma surrounding sex? Maybe someone catching her when she was young, and telling her how horrible she was?

6

Fickle_Dinner_4226 t1_j2algmf wrote

This whole thing is bizarre. And you being so obsessed is also bizarre. But one thing I think you need to consider here is that she is not awake when she is doing this. If she is not awake when she is doing this then she would not recall this happening and to her you are the one making up accusations and looking crazy. This is an actual thing maybe you should do some research on that and see if this is the case. Because you are basing your entire relationship on this accusation.

5

patticakes86 t1_j2cukv7 wrote

Thanks for this. I had an ex pull this on me and question me about what I was doing at night. I'd wake up to him saying things like what Op is saying to his fiance and I'd be like "wtf are you talking about?" I do struggle with sleep issues, insomnia & sleep apnea so if I'm doing something when I'm dead ass asleep, I really am oblivious. He refused to believe I had no idea and kept pressing me to where I just felt....gross about it and super defensive cause how do I defend sleep?!? Anyways, he's an ex for some other reasons but that really made a big impact on my respect for him that he'd choose to keep shaming me vs just drop it. I sleep alone again so if I still do it, I wouldn't know and quite frankly, idgaf if it still happens so long as I am sleeping ok.

1

Guilty_Hunter9304 t1_j29e71f wrote

She's horny, but not for you. I'm sure it sucks, but that's how it looks from this guy's view

4

For2n8Witchling t1_j2a07gg wrote

Or maybe those, "mutual orgasms," aren't so mutual and she has to get herself off? 🤷 They need to have an uncomfortable but necessary conversation.

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Disco_Pat t1_j2a8cee wrote

>She's horny, but not for you. I'm sure it sucks, but that's how it looks from this guy's view
>
>
>
>Or maybe those, "mutual orgasms," aren't so mutual and she has to get herself off? 🤷 They need to have an uncomfortable but necessary conversation.

Or she just wants to masturbate because she doesn't have to worry about making sure another person is pleased sexually and she can just get off and then sleep?

Masturbation and Sex are not interchangeable. You can be in the mood for one and not the other.

Also, she is being super shitty about it either way.

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Legitimate-Living-50 t1_j2b16zk wrote

So it could be a few things

  1. Very vivid sex dreams, I used to get them constantly.

  2. She's so ashamed about it because of her upbringing that she's afraid you'll look at her differently - this I doubt because she should feel safe enough with you to know you wouldn't judge her

  3. She's being a hypocrite and trying to control how/ when you orgasm. But won't give you the same respect.

  4. She likes being able to cause you to think you're going crazy

4

yallblowmymind t1_j2bsjsm wrote

Could she possibly be asleep? I have done that like 3 times in my life during a sex dream

4

LeadmeNotFL t1_j2ca2jd wrote

I do this a bunch of times, like a lot, since I was a 14-15. The first time I did it while sleeping next to someone (my then boyfriend, now husband), I panicked when he spoke to me after I was done. He thought it was awesome and I wanted the earth to swallow me. Eventually, he realized I do it while deep asleep and he asked if it’s OK if he just masturbate too while watching me and we agreed as long as he doesn’t wake me because then my orgasm will just go away 🤣.

I wake up most of the time while I orgasm or right after, but sometimes I’d just sleep through it and then realized in the morning it wasn’t just a vivid dream.

4

Neonpinx t1_j2bsxhu wrote

She has shame likely because of how she was raised. But what you did with purposely watching her doing it and asking her how her orgasm was is a total creep power play. She has issues likely linked to childhood trauma and you are obsessed with getting her to admitting she is masturbating. You are more obsessed with getting her to admit it then understanding why she won’t and helping her heal. Your behaviour is a massive red flag.

3

patticakes86 t1_j2cup7d wrote

Who watches someone all night just to prove their point!?! Jesus Op, leave this lady and let her do whatever weird shit she does or doesn't do in her sleep in peace!

1

LeadmeNotFL t1_j2c8b5h wrote

Buddy, are you 100% sure she’s awake during the entire time? I have masturbated while asleep and I’d wake up right when I orgasm.

Technically, I’m having sex dreams that get so real that I end up masturbating as I’m dreaming. I don’t know how long I last doing this while asleep, but my husband says I tend to slow down, then go faster, and slow and can definitely go on for a bit. The first time it happened, right when I finished my husband something like “gosh, that was awesome” and I was completely confused, embarrassed, and had no idea what to say. I got also a bit worried he was going to start asking who I was dreaming with and things like that because honestly I didn’t even remember.

But one thing I can tell you, if I’m awake I won’t spend hours masturbating. When I masturbate, it’s usually because I’m lazy but horny, so I just want to get off quick. To spend hours at it, I’ll wake up my husband

I’m not saying, it’s not possible she’s lying about it. She can be lying about it and doing it while awake, but she can also be doing it while asleep.

3

CYWNightmare t1_j2b78ka wrote

I also wonder if she has a kink where she likes to masturbate but in hiding if that makes sense or is just ashamed. My gf was but eventually I got her loosened up. When it comes to masturbation with us it's usually because the other didn't want sex so we just live with it but everyone is different and it can be hard to agree on things.

2

L0hkiii t1_j2c6ake wrote

Genuine question: does she have a hyper-religious childhood history and /or abusive background?

She may be having sex dreams while genuinely not realizing what she's doing — both of you feel correct, but her childhood trauma naturally creates this absolute WALL between her subconscious mind and conscious actions, that won't allow her to accept what she's doing. By the time she's awake enough to talk, she's absolutely forgotten the dream.

If curious:

This is how some forms of PTSD present; while nightmares are usually just whimpering and heavily shuffling — don't think Hollywood, think "rigidity of sleep paralysis but some muscles work, then all of a sudden you gasp and open your eyes" — certain unconscious physical actions can become faster or slower based on the pace of the memory/dream. If someone hurt her in the past, she might be pushing someone away and then running — but since dreams aren't long-form memories, the dream ends, her "fists" relax, her fingers gradually unclench and end up in some highly sensitive zones, and that unconscious placement induces a pleasant sex dream a few hours later. This could very easily look like masturbating if you're not aware of historical trauma because she doesn't want to burden you with that knowledge. In addition, unexpected contact [again, based on trauma memories and body location of trauma] to certain sites can induce both a much more violent response ^((please see below)) and a much gentler one. But by the time she's conscious, she absolutely doesn't remember the movements (like people sleep talking), and may have absolutely forgotten the dream, or just remembers a terrible feeling of fear and being trapped. Now she becomes angry at YOU for making something up, waking her up, etc.

Regarding the physical contact thing: My wife is great at stopping my surgery-based nightmare, because I'll subconsciously smell her, feel her hair on my shoulder, etc., and that'll somehow orient my brain so my dream goes "oh, yeah, that's over, isn't it?". Then one time she tried waking me by wrapping her arm around my lower stomach to pull me close (instead of upper arm as usual), and her hand touched my surgical scars. I reflexively elbowed her... 18 months after we had just paid $32,000 for a sinusplasty/nose job combo, to fix a lifelong breathing issue. ^(I still hate myself for that). So your physical contact may have genuinely made her dreams so much better she slept well... Then slept better.

Just another perspective to consider, especially if the relationship has ZERO other red flags.

2

Someday_wonderful t1_j2bhyem wrote

You said she is denying likely to shame. So why not accept she doesn’t want to talk or open up about it and do try doing some pre marital therapy to get her to open up… it’s obvious you’re feeling strongly but do see there are likely reasons for her denial… if you’re serious enough about it to consider throwing away an 8 year relationship then take some steps to salvage first

1

Prestigious-Pea4447 t1_j2bu447 wrote

8 years and she still won't admit to masturbating (5x later with spell correct labeling it "master bathroom") is kinda strange and her literally lying to your face after you watched her for 10 min.

I'd just pack up and leave and just tell her you aren't leaving.

1

Virtual_Cry_1424 t1_j2bvdel wrote

Don't let her continue thus gaslighting.. i was in a 20-year marriage that I constantly thought I was going nuts. It's called the covert narcissist... they aren't out right nar5 thet are i In the down low narcissist... walk a way or you be in a rotten relationship for years

1

guineapickle t1_j2c7q63 wrote

Seems clear she doesn't want to talk about it. Just because you're in the same bed doesn't mean she has to discuss it with you.

1

DJNonnesi t1_j2cf6ei wrote

I was in this situation exactly (minus the hours and hours),except it was my boyfriend that was slinking his snake after I fell asleep! I caught him OFTEN,and wasn’t uptight about him doing it,just that it would wake me up and as an insomniac,it’d take hours to fall back asleep! So I went down the same path of telling him its nothing to be ashamed of,just do it elsewhere or less “enthusiastically”,and he denied it every time too! Between the lying,him gaslighting me,and the sleepless nights,it ruined us! And to beat it all (no pun intended),when we had our last fight about it,he then offers this up: “My doctor says I have a chemical in my brain that makes me hyper sexual !” Too little,too late dude,AND WTF DIDNT YOU SAY THAT THE FIRST TIME YOU WOKE ME UP WITH IT?

1

Deadly-Minds-215 t1_j2ci273 wrote

She’s embarrassed and ashamed, AFAB people are made to feel ashamed if they do those things.

1

ProfitNext535 t1_j2cpn78 wrote

Maybe she was embarrassed, and thinks masturbation should be done in privacy when no one is looking. You probably scared her by asking her how was her orgasm. Just try to talk to her like adults, her without the gaslighting, and you with getting angry over her embarrassment.

1

Clherrick t1_j2atwgm wrote

I thought you didn't want to make this long :) That is a heck of a story. I don't know what is the hangup on masturbation but it's there. More important to me is difficulty communicating with is so much the key to any marriage.

0

mmagers1 t1_j2b7d8t wrote

Don’t marry this woman, your sex life is going to be non existent, and from this little tid bit of information she is likely to explore outside of you and her relationship

The fact you had to go this far for an answer being together is a big red flag

0

Els236 t1_j2c0xxc wrote

So, she gets pissed off at you when you masturbate and you never do it in the bed, but it's absolutely fine for her to be doing some late-night fiddling and diddling in the bed, while also knowing full well you can hear and see it?

Then she denies the fuck out of it and basically makes you think you're going crazy?

Either this woman has some severe mental issues and/or shame, or she's just being an ass.

If you're "split up for the time being", make it permanent honestly. Such shameless lying and gaslighting would make me question nearly everything she ever said after that and a relationship cannot work with no trust.

0

[deleted] t1_j2c2u8n wrote

[deleted]

0

revium7 t1_j2cj662 wrote

she said no to sex already. he said he has no problem with masturbation, only her lies. did you even read the post?

1

Circuitarity t1_j2c6wns wrote

I have to tell you OP that it sounds like she is into long edging and doesn't enjoy the sex with you as much as the edging she can perform on herself.

I would put it to her this way "I could care less whether you masturbate or not, however when I catch you at it and you lie to me I can't accept that. If you lie to me about it once more I hope the lie is worth the potential future of our relationship because we will not have one. Do you admit that you masturbated in our bed before I asked about how the orgasm was?" and stick to the threat.

−1

GalleryGhoul13 t1_j2ajzc9 wrote

Her lying is not okay and neither is your forced “participation “. She can go pick a more appropriate place to do that if she wants to be sneaky and lie about it. If you turned her down for sex and then jerked off next to her everyone on here would be screaming assault.

−2

Hohmies86 t1_j2ak53x wrote

Time to get the damn video camera out and get some real evidence because apparently pussy juice all over the sheets and hand isn’t evidence….

Literally the only advice I can come up with

−7

NosyNosy212 t1_j2at354 wrote

Use your phone to tape it. She can’t deny it then.

−12

Hexagonsnsuch t1_j2b0iv1 wrote

No do not secretly film someone masturbating, that is a terrible idea.

10

NosyNosy212 t1_j2b0ool wrote

So much better to just gaslight someone to the point of madness I guess?

−2

Ponchovilla18 t1_j2a4k7w wrote

Dude, why are you so obsessed with her playing with herself? YOU are making it s bigger deal than it is, so what if she does, LEAVE IT ALONE. So what if she denies it, for whatever reason she doesn't feel comfortable admitting it. You're being a bit extreme thinking about ending it just because God forbid she doesn't want to tell you she's playing with herself.

−15

Prestigious-bish-17 t1_j2b1tlm wrote

The issue is the lies. If she lies about something like this, what else is she willing to lie about to the expense of that guys health or well-being? That is the problem here, not her playing with herself.

4

Ponchovilla18 t1_j2cjnkc wrote

Again, you are more focused on him when he is bringing this on himself. So I say it again, what is the big deal if she does and doesn't want to say? Like do you even hear yourself about why this guy is so focused on his "sanity" from hearing something but being told another? And then having an obsession with it to the point that he is so focused on it, his sanity is in question?

1

biteme717 t1_j29q46m wrote

She wants sex, but not from you. There is ABSOLUTELY no reason for her to lie and gaslight you, none . IMO, any woman who turns down sex to masterbate is wanting and fantasizing about someone else, sorry but that's my personal opinion and the same can be said about men. Call everything off and get your ring back, because she just showed you what that she's a liar and manipulator and she doesn't care! This says everything about what kind of person she is and she just proved that you can't trust her. Find someone who WANTS you who won't lie and manipulate and gaslight you.

−21

For2n8Witchling t1_j29zzeq wrote

Why are you embarrassing her over masturbation? She's a human. It's done by like, nearly every adult. She's clearly lying because she's ashamed/embarrassed. Y'all need to have a discussion about it. Tell her you don't give a flying fuck if she masturbates- it's normal, and she doesn't have to feel like she should hide it.

−23

Prestigious-bish-17 t1_j2b25fc wrote

He has said that, did you read the whole thing? He has trued to discuss it with her, let her know it's something he likes too, he's spoken to her, assured her, everything but she keeps denying and lying and gaslighting him, that's the problem .

3

ozperp t1_j29atm7 wrote

I find it hard to believe this really impacted your mental health. You knew she was masturbating; you were just frustrated that she lied about it.

I'd be much more concerned about her profound shame surrounding masturbatoon than anything else. You need to get to the bottom of that, with the help of a therapist.

−29

hypeb1337 OP t1_j29bu67 wrote

When you’re in an 8 year relationship trust goes a long way, I took her word for it and genuinely did not believe she was masturbating.

So yes, I was having a battle with myself trying to convince myself she wasn’t masturbating because I took her word for it. So my mind is telling me one thing but her word is very strong in this relationship and I do not want to just disregard the trust we’ve built. So I’m having an internal battle trying to work this out in my mind. After all it is just shifting and shaking, it could be anything or my mind is making the noises/feeling up especially since my heart is thumping like crazy when this happens. But today I learned that wasn’t the case thankfully.

I don’t expect you to understand, but hopefully this provides insight.

14

juliaskig t1_j2aejv9 wrote

You need. sit down conversation with her. Is there any chance she was still asleep?

−4

queencocomo t1_j2ae0nr wrote

When you trust someone implicitly you will absolutely convince yourself that you’re wrong in the face of h the their lies. Even if the thing they’re lying about is in plain sight. You don’t want that trust to be broken, so you convince yourself it’s you.

It doesn’t matter what the topic is, a lie is a lie. She made a statement and was lying about it. Even worse, she’s angry that he is masturbating—so i can see how he’d convince himself he’s wrong.

1