Submitted by ThrowRArandomnumberz t3_zz805t in relationship_advice
I'm not sure what to do. I (40M) went no contact with my abusive and narcissistic parents four years ago. It took me a long time to realize that I was abused by them as a child and as an adult. My wife pointed it out to me but it wasn't until we were forced to move in with them because I lost my job that things became clear. The abuse was both emotional (when I was a teen my 300 lb plus father would oink at me every time I got a desert after dinner) and physical (when I was a kid my mom would grab me by the knee and squeeze as hard as possible whenever I was disobedient. She would also slap me, although that only happened a few times). My dad once threw me when I was a kid into a recliner and when I hit the recliner the foot rest popped out. My mom would tell that story and laugh about it because it was apparently funny to see the foot rest pop out. I'll be honest, even as I'm typing this out I have a hard time believing I was abused - it's like I've been conditioned to think that what they did to me really wasn't that bad. Other people had and have it worse than me. My mom only slapped me a few times that I can remember. It wasn't that bad. Abuse really does mess with people.
Anyway, I decided to go no contact with them after we lived with them for a little under a year. That period of time was one of the worst in my life. They would yell at me for all sorts of stuff. My mom would get in my face and just start yelling at me, almost threatening me physically. I literally can't not even remember why I would get yelled at. I was always walking on eggshells. Any little thing could set them off. All I thought was, I'm a grown adult. I'm living with them because I'm in a terrible situation. I got to get out.
So, four years later, they are texting me regularly as if nothing happened. They send me birthday and Christmas cards like nothing happened. Occasionally they'll right something in a card like "We're sorry that things didn't work out with you living with us." No apology for what they did. In fact, when I was living with them, one time I called my mom out on how she physically abused me as a kid and her response was first I didn't abuse you to you deserved whatever punishment I gave you.
My plan is to text them this: "Please stop contacting me until you have both been regularly attending therapy with a licensed counselor who is NOT a Christian therapist or a pastor. Once you have been in counseling for at least 3 months, then we can talk about doing a joint session with your counselor over Zoom. If you continue to contact me without doing this, I will block your numbers."
Do you think this is a good idea? Or am I wasting my time? Should I just keep doing no contact. I want them to leave me alone, but I also would like them to get better so I can have parents that love me. I don't know. Abuse sucks.
TLDR: Abusive parents won't stop texting me. Should I respond with: "Please stop contacting me until you have both been regularly attending therapy with a licensed counselor who is NOT a Christian therapist or a pastor. Once you have been in counseling for at least 3 months, then we can talk about doing a joint session with your counselor over Zoom. If you continue to contact me without doing this, I will block your numbers."?
LeilaDFW t1_j2a1wtu wrote
Just block them, change your number if you must, send unopened mail back via “return to sender”. If you must send a last written request, get your attorney to. Don’t try handling this relationally. Consider it a legal issue. They aren’t going to change. Now, just so you know, 2 of my adult children went no contact with me strangely both are close to your age. I respect their decision but most won’t. I don’t agree I was abusive but I don’t question the validity of their perspective. I love my children and know I am me and they decided I was bad for them. Better just do what is best for you and don’t expect them to understand.