[21M][20F] Ex texted me after 2 years saying she's pregnant

Submitted by ThrowRaConfusedAF090 t3_zzopzl in relationship_advice

TLDR: Not sure what to do after ex texted me she's was pregnant

I'm posting for someone else:

My (M21) ex (F20) contacted me after 2 years. Initially, she tried to contact me on and off, always texting the following: "I need to talk to you about something important in person." I didn't respond at first and at some point just blocked her. Now she texted me saying she was pregnant and I have a son. She also added, "...the kid has a right to know his dad..."

I'm not sure if she's lying or how to proceed. She hasn't responded on sending proof.

Edit: She has the kid now, but didn't specify how old he is.

Update: He doesn't want to meet her unless there is concrete proof that the child even exists because he believes this is maybe just a lie to get him to meet with ex. Also, the ex responded with the following:

"I am not comfortable sending picture of my son through text. I want his life private and I don't trust his girlfriend (that's me) with private information like birth certificates and my son's identity. I can give you proof in person but not through text. Just say that you want to be a shjt father if you don't want involvement" this is paraphrased.

Update 2: He is VERY stressed out about this whole event. But, he is planning to meet up with the ex to see proof. It'll be a quick meet up in public where there's a lot of people.

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Comments

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Buranwasbetter t1_j2ct8gl wrote

Your mate needs to get a DNA done before anything happens

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ThrowRaConfusedAF090 OP t1_j2cud0w wrote

He said that his ex has lied for attention in the past and wanted proof before meeting. But ex hasn't responded

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[deleted] t1_j2cv3ul wrote

None of this matters at all. The only thing that matters for him is a paternity test.

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okverymuch t1_j2dlflv wrote

If she’s not willing to take a photo of her and the child and send him some basic details, then it’s likely it is a lie. OP says she’s lied to get attention before.

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ThrowRaConfusedAF090 OP t1_j2dpnu7 wrote

He's tried to contact hee and ask for proof of the child even existing. He asked for a picture of a birth certificate and a picture of her holding thr child. No response yet.

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UnquantifiableLife t1_j2egyu3 wrote

This happened to a friend of mine. He got a lawyer to send her a registered letter demanding a paternity test. Until she complied, he would have nothing to do with her or the child. Remarkably, he never heard from her again.

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enonymousCanadian t1_j2fd8p6 wrote

If she won’t text a picture of her with a child it’s highly unlikely she even has one. My kids aren’t on any social media but texting photos isn’t a privacy concern!

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ThrowRaConfusedAF090 OP t1_j2fsrmk wrote

She said she's willing to meet in public to show birth certificate and pictures. My SO is still suspicious on what she has to gain if it's fake.

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ShaktinCO t1_j2frs4i wrote

tell her "proof or take it to the courts and prove it there. until such a time as you provide proof a child even exists that could remotely actually be his, do not contact again."

create a throw away gmail account. provide that account to the ex GF. inform her that she will be blocked on ALL other forms of communication. once proof is provided (if it is) then arrange to meet IN PUBLIC to get a DNA sample of the child's to compare to your SO.

proof likely won't be sent, but at least there is an avenue in the event she isn't lying about the child.

likely she is, because why didn't she go after support?

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itsallminenow t1_j2dxw3b wrote

There's no avoiding the science of DNA tests. He gets proof, he knows where he stands. If she consistently refuses to allow him a test then that's an answer in itself.

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Devi1_May_Cry t1_j2esbxq wrote

>wanted proof before meeting.

He can be on the phone with her and be like, "I want proof of life!" and sound like all the cool action movie heroes of the early 2000s.

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MaryAnne0601 t1_j2ctrrm wrote

Do the DNA test and if yes get an attorney. Do not try and work it out yourselves if it’s yours. This is not a reasonable woman. How do I know? Because reasonable women don’t wait 2 years to contact the father!!

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ThrowRaConfusedAF090 OP t1_j2cuf0f wrote

He mentioned that the ex has history of lying for attention. So he's unsure whether or not she's lying

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Lucavii t1_j2cybar wrote

DNA tests don't lie

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Standard-Wonder-523 t1_j2doto2 wrote

She might not actually even have a kid. And if she has a kid, it might not be hers. I think that's the level of lying that might be going on...

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Lucavii t1_j2dp4vg wrote

>She might not actually even have a kid

Yeah, well insisting on a DNA test conveniently solves this lie too

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ForceEnvironmental20 t1_j2fsq05 wrote

Yep. Refusal to do a DNA test implicates the possibility of two lies: (a) she's lying about him being the father or isn't actually sure, or (b) the child doesn't exist. The DNA test solves both.

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spyddarnaut t1_j2czeuq wrote

If she usually lies to get attention. Work on getting an ‘agent’ who can get the paternity confirmation in his stead. If you can’t afford a lawyer to manage the whole exchange, a sister or a really close friend might suffice.

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Biceratops_Wrex t1_j2ctt60 wrote

Get a DNA test and go through the courts to make custody arrangements. If the kid isn't yours, that's it. If the kid is yours decide how much contact you want. If the kid is yours, you will likely owe some child support.

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ThrowRaConfusedAF090 OP t1_j2cubch wrote

He asked for proof first before meeting because the ex had a history of lying for attention just to meet up and talk with him.

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Biceratops_Wrex t1_j2cunci wrote

More reason to go through the courts. He needs to see an attorney and if the kid is his and he wants to be a father. They need to do custody changes in a public place and all communication needs to be written. It's perfectly fine for him to say "I'd like to handle this through the court system and I am not interested in having any relationship with you."

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lolifax t1_j2de2ww wrote

Make her go to court. If she’s just seeking attention, she won’t.

If the court orders a DNA test and the child is not his, then he’s done.

If the child is his, he will owe child support and will have the opportunity to come up with a court approved joint custody arrangement that protects him from his ex.

Going the legal route is the best way to keep maximum distance with the ex while looking out for the child’s needs.

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Dont139 t1_j2cwsm1 wrote

That changes nothing about a child being his. He needs to meet with the kid, go do the dna test himself

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Dependent_Remove_326 t1_j2ct637 wrote

Get a paternity test and if he is yours step up. They have cheap home ones that you can get at CVS but if she comes for child support you will need a court ordered one. Nothing else to do. If she wont get a test that means he probably isn't yours.

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Accomplished_Bison87 t1_j2cst2l wrote

Wait she’s currently pregnant and it’s been two years since contact….? Is that right? If so, just think about it, dude.

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Far_Pineapple2653 t1_j2cuwjy wrote

Lol paternity test before you even decide to do anything

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Psychic_Warrior t1_j2d631k wrote

I'm approaching this from the viewpoint of having a crazy ex.

The entire thing smells to me. Feels like an excuse to initiate contact. I would not, under any circumstances, meet in person. Start simple, insist on proof a kid even exists.

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ThrowRaConfusedAF090 OP t1_j2dp37x wrote

Thank you for the perspective. That's what he's did and asked his ex for a picture of her holding the kid.

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InterestingWork912 t1_j2dwtcs wrote

You can probably go to the county auditors office, or whatever office in your area that keeps official records, and figure out if she even has a kid.

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No_Proposal7628 t1_j2ec7b5 wrote

Your friend has no responsibility towards this baby until a DNA test proves the child is his. Your friend requested proof and she hasn't responded. Until she does, your friend doesn't have to do anything. He might consider contacting a family law lawyer and asking what steps he needs to take over this situation.

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Turbulent_Message637 t1_j2dv1z5 wrote

I think you should block her. If she’s serious about this she can start the court process to order a DNA test. This is not something to discuss because without a dna test even she may not know who the father of the child really is.

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ConvivialKat t1_j2f23fy wrote

Tell your BF to stop communicating with her and to get a lawyer. Have the lawyer send her a letter demanding a photo of the child (with her), a birth certificate, and demand an independent paternity test. Your BF needs to stop letting her control this situation and get this handled.

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ThrowRaConfusedAF090 OP t1_j2f2om2 wrote

He can't afford a lawyer

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ConvivialKat t1_j2f3qlv wrote

Can he afford child support? Because, if he can't prove the child is not his, that's probably going to be her next step.

Shop around. There are a lot of lawyers who function on a sliding scale based on income.

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unicorndontcare69 t1_j2f47nn wrote

My ex husband had an ex girlfriend who did this. 6 months before we got together she said she was pregnant then 2 weeks later said j/k found the guy. Then 4/5 years later said hey she deserves to know her dad but only through social media so let me stalk you there. I told her that we will get dna through the court and if he is the dad then we will go for A psych evaluation of her and custody. She got scared and blocked us. That was 2011. In 2019 the “dad” who raised her got her a dna and said no more child support but I’ll hang out with you if you want. So she went looking for my ex. He was paying me child support to me so he told her to wait until 18 because of his job (he didn’t want to pay her support). Turns out she’s his! And I have guilt knowing that the mom abandoned her with the grandparents shortly after I spoke to the mom in 2011. Her life would have been better and she would have been raised with her half siblings. But the kids all love each other and enjoy hanging out and talking on the phone. I would threaten her with court ordered dna and do it and get her out of your life if she’s lying. If the kid is his get the kid in a custody agreement so she can’t play games!

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Efficient_Garbage_82 t1_j2czm94 wrote

Is your friend needing proof that the kid is his or that the kid even exists in the first place? Surely the “mom” has some kind of social media. Are there pics of a kid? If so, how old does he seem to be? Does she have any family he can contact to verify that there is, indeed, a kid?

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ThrowRaConfusedAF090 OP t1_j2doyfm wrote

The "mom" isn't active on any socials at all. We don't really know her family's contact since he didn't date her for long.

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ContentedRecluse t1_j2dgy1d wrote

It sounds like he has no proof a child exists. I would ask for a copy of the birth certificate. Then I would check to see if the birth certificate was recorded with vital records/dept of health. Make sure the dates line up and that the one sent to you has not been doctored.

If everything lines up then you need to get a dna test. If in the U.S. she can sign up for child support and you may get one for free, or you can pay for one on your own. Do not sign or agree to anything without an attorney.

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Minute_Box3852 t1_j2fwu10 wrote

This is very simple, op.

No meeting. I want a DNA test before I even speak with you. Hit me up for child support? I can and will demand that test, and the court will make you comply so you might as well do it willingly and get it out of the way. No more back and forth unless it's yes, I'm making an appointment and the location for me to go.

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Coco_Dirichlet t1_j2ej53n wrote

She can take you to court and do all the DNA test through the courts. It's just dumb to wait 2 years without saying anything to anyone.

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Typical_Agency8984 t1_j2esngw wrote

Well proof would be DNA, schedule this asap if the age and timelines match

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AnotherDoubtfulGuest t1_j2espb6 wrote

Assuming that the kid exists at all, unless she’s willing to submit the child for a paternity test (done in a doctor’s office with your friend present), I don’t think he has anything else to say to her.

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spaceyjaycey t1_j2fmuoq wrote

Your friend needs to tell her point blank they do a paternity test or he ignores her and blocks her. If she knows he's the dad, she'll readily agree. Any excuses on her part is almost a 100% certainty he's not the dad. She's playing games and he needs to shut that down.

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