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Mysterious_Bridge_61 t1_j2f8zhl wrote

I’ve been married 30 years. It is still hard for me to not have my original last name. If I had it to do over again, I would have given all my children my maiden name as a middle name. It would help my mental health so much with that.

Sexism caused this issue. It hurts and I get it. We Give your wife this. You and she both assumed that her taking your last name wouldn’t be a big deal. It was a big deal and while she doesn’t seem to mind having your last name, she wants a way for her name to not feel erased. You have the privilege of not having to change your name and getting to pass on your name. Step up and let her have something similar. Find a way to explain it to your daughter and having two parents.

Don’t make your wife hurt because your mom has a necklace.

ETA. Don’t do two middle names. Really too complicated. Instead, have the original first name-original middle name be a “nickname”. So, Violet Robin is something you can still call her because it makes you happy. You can tell your daughter it is a nickname. Just like sweetheart, or Baby Girl, etc. Kids understand nicknames. Probably younger brother has a few nicknames.

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KJEveryday OP t1_j2fa7m7 wrote

I get this. Thank you. I agree that her happiness is extremely important. A few things I want to call out:

  1. My wife has her own last name.
  2. I would have been fine with our kids having a hyphenated last name to begin with but she didn’t mention it at the time and we actively talked about it. She said it would be less of a hassle to just have mine.
  3. I would be fine to have even changed my own last name via hyphen but she never brought it up.
  4. She’s really against the compromise of having two middles, and the kids current one which myself and our families enjoy and know. We have a bunch of stuff that is embroidered already.

Again, I’m not sure if you saw, but I am leaning towards her getting to change the middle, and not doing what I think is a compromise by having two, and having her explain it to everyone. I suppose I’m just a bit salty about it. I feel like she isn’t compromising.

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Mysterious_Bridge_61 t1_j2fj535 wrote

I’ll just add that I didn’t realize that as time went on I would be more sad about the name issue. So the fact that she agreed to give your daughter your last name but not hers, may have felt ok to her at the time, but after a few years it is getting increasingly hurtful.

You think that she should “compromise,” but really she naively gave up her “right” to fight for giving her child her own last name originally not realizing it would hurt her. So now she comes to you saying that if her daughter gets the maiden name as a middle name, this feels like the right sort of compromise she should have asked for to begin with.

If she was asking to switch our your last name for her last name entirely, then a compromise would be appropriate. But she is suggesting an actual compromise that still leans towards the patriarchy that kids get their father’s last name and she is only asking for her last name as a middle name.

I hope this helps you feel able to get over your saltiness about her not “compromising”. Sexism in our culture often has women not even realizing that something is skewed towards males to begin and just accept it as normal, and then after some time they can see that the sexism has caused some hurt and resentment and it is very difficult to deal with.

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