[35M][30M], My brother won’t grow up. I am beyond frustrated with trying to figure out how to help him.

Submitted by elektrofone t3_zz92w9 in relationship_advice

First off I should say I love my brother dearly. I have all the empathy and sympathy for him that I can give. That being said my patience is wearing thin and I am beyond frustrated with the situation currently.

A little backstory. My brother has always struggled with executive functions. He’s an amazingly creative person but when it came to school he struggled to get through. He probably should have been diagnosed with ADHD but never was. He had friends and was a talented musician so after school he played in a lot of bands and even toured regularly for several years. Eventually the music scene started to feel artificial and he felt like the path he was on wasn’t sustainable when it comes to supporting himself independently.

Since then he’s lived on and off with my parents [65M and 65F] who support him financially. He’s also had suicidal ideation although he’s never had an attempt. This put him in the psych ward at a hospital at one point. Since then he’s attended a stint at a behavioral health center which seemed to help but he quickly slipped back into old habits. I’ve tried to give him advice on how to move his life forward but every opportunity he eventually gives up on. He was on meds and then stopped. He went to therapy and then stopped. He had a job and then stopped. He now lives alone with my grandmother with my parents supporting him.

Meanwhile I feel like my parents relationship and mine is always clouded by his situation. My mother is always stressed about him but I also believe enables his situation and is codependent to a degree. When I express frustration I am rarely listened to and have no room for my own emotions. I can’t cut them out of my life completely but I’m at a loss of what to do.

I don’t know how to help him at this point. I and the rest of my family have tried ad nauseam to no avail. What can I do?

TLDR: my younger brother is in a state of arrested development and after trying over and over I am beyond frustrated and am at a loss of how to help him.

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Nani65 t1_j2a8qgp wrote

Let go of this fight, OP. You are part of the problem. As heartbreaking as it is, you can't fix him.

You might do some reading on codependency and growing up in a codependent family. Learning about loving detatchment is the best thing you can do.

I'm sorry, OP. It's clear that you love your brother very much.

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McSuzy t1_j2a7jhi wrote

You need to truly accept the fact that it is none of your business.

Your brother's failures are not your business and not your problem. You parents' decision to coddle to him is not your problem and not your business. Your grandmother's choice t house him is not your problem and none of your business.

It is very important that you manage your relationship with your family in a realistic and proactive way. Your mother will want to talk about your brother. Don't engage. Your parents aren't that interest in you. That's OK. Be civil, keep visits brief, and possibly reduce the frequency.

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d19mc t1_j2a7r98 wrote

Nietzsche, the philosopher, might be able to help. By what you said, that he’s highly creative but at the same time seems codependent, his writings may put into words what he might be experiencing. I’d suggest Genealogy of Morals as a start. He might finally feel like he’s been ‘heard’.

This is a very offshot reply, and I don’t know if it’ll work, but I think that it’s worth a shot.

If you’ve done everything and there’s been no avail, I think that you’ll need to go up to your brother and tell him about how you’re feeling and tell him what you wish would happen. If this doesn’t, then I think that you may need to let him go. I know you suggested that your parents are also intertwined with this in a weird way so I’m not sure, but that’s the best that I can think of.

In the end, I feel that you may need to let him go and let him figure it out, but your judgement is better than mine.

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Womaningreenandblue t1_j2ai51f wrote

It’s not your job . Be a good brother w/o focusing on how to fix him. Love him where he is . That may be what he needs most . :)

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