triaxisman t1_j2cz098 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:08 AM

If youre bothered by porn and he wants to use it, then you’re not compatible. Stop trying to police and control someone else’s behavior. The more you do that, the more they’ll lie and hide shit from you. Instead break up and find someone you’re compatible with who you don’t have to police.

[deleted] OP t1_j2cz5ix wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:10 AM

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[deleted] OP t1_j2cz7l4 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:10 AM

I disagree that it's me "policing" when he agreed to stop. If he never agreed to stopping & agreed it was harmful to him + our relationship I would agree. But I am definitely not policing him when we've already had a conversation about it, he agrees to stop, and then does it behind my back.

triaxisman t1_j2d071q wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:24 AM

Rather than break up because he’s untrustworthy or discuss with him why he keeps doing it even though he said he wouldn’t (he could be having trouble with temptation, he could just have agreed to avoid a fight, he could have changed his mind) you’re instead monitoring his phone and getting more and more upset by it. If you don’t want to call that policing, ok, how about controlling, or nagging, or dictating, or dominating?

[deleted] OP t1_j2d0fnx wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:27 AM

It's controlling or dominating to set boundaries and then be upset when those boundaries are violated? Ok. 👍

triaxisman t1_j2d0sb9 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:32 AM

No, it’s controlling or dominating to try to force other people to behave how you want. Boundaries are what you do for yourself, not what you force other people to do for you. For example, here, a healthy boundary is to break up with someone who says one thing but does another. It’s controlling and codependent to stay with someone and try to force them to do what you want when they clearly aren’t going to.

[deleted] OP t1_j2d0ogn wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:31 AM

If he changed his mind or needed to say yes to avoid conflict, he needed to communicate that. Because he hasn't, that's on him.

triaxisman t1_j2d1100 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:35 AM

If you don’t want to help him through that, that’s fine, but then stop complaining about it and break up with him already. You clearly have problems with him, don’t want to help him with better communication, and you don’t trust him. Why you still bothering with him then?

[deleted] OP t1_j2d19j6 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:39 AM

I never said I didn't want to help him thru it or that i dont want to communicate - how am I supposed to help somebody thru something they've never expressed they're struggling with? - this is an advice subreddit, not an assume worst case scenario for everybody's relationship subreddit. That's why I came for advice.

opinionsarelikeahs t1_j2d22bx wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:50 AM

Here's advice - he has already expressed to you that he doesn't agree with your boundaries because he is still doing it . You ARE policing his behaviour because you are checking up on what he is doing , and then kicking off because you don't agree with it

This relationship is not based in trust - you don't trust him so you are regularly invading his privacy , and it's not healthy . He doesn't want to adhere to your boundaries or he would have done so , not continued and tried to hide it from you

Just as an FYI for the future , a lot of people are not going to be happy with your obsessive checking of their phones for behaviours . Freedom to pick up a phone and Google it is not the same as going through someone's phone trying to catch them out , and a lot of people have a basic expectation of privacy . Not every aspect of someone's life , partner or not , is supposed to be completely accessible to you at all times , people are allowed to have thoughts , conversations and desires that are nothing to do with you , romantic partner or not . You sound controlling , and untrusting , and if you want to have a happy relationship in the future you need to accept that you cannot control people. If they are going to cheat on you , smothering them and giving them no privacy is not going to stop that , it's simply going to make them even less desirous of being loyal because frankly its exhausting living under surveillance

[deleted] OP t1_j2d2f5h wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:55 AM

I would 100% agree with you if we hadn't established beforehand that its okay to go through each other's phones. He has gone through mine exactly like I've gone through his.

opinionsarelikeahs t1_j2d2ogm wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:58 AM

But he isn't ok with it clearly , and why do you need to go through each others phones ? You don't trust him . He is so uncomfortable with your behaviour that he needs to delete things because you are being controlling and going through his phone and it's clearly not an occasional thing

It's not healthy , and it's not going to fly in future relationships . If you want to be happy you need to start with why you feel this obsessive need to be in someone's private life , because I promise you future partners will see a massive red flag waving

[deleted] OP t1_j2d3971 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 10:06 AM

I agree with you. It wasn't like this in the beginning. I had never gone through his phone before recently. But that's opened my eyes to new ideas about him feeling like he needs to hide things. I don't want to make him feel that way, and will for sure talk to him and ask about the way he feels about going through phones. That's why I ask for advice because I hear different viewpoints I haven't thought of before, thank you. I wish he could've communicated it to me but I can see why it could be difficult for him to express. Thanks again.

opinionsarelikeahs t1_j2da6ms wrote on December 31, 2022 at 11:42 AM

Best of luck - and before worrying about him , take some time to ask why you are feeling like that. There will be deeper reasons

[deleted] OP t1_j2d2kan wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:57 AM

However, I do agree that we do have trust issues. That is a major flaw that we are also trying to fix, I just don't know how I'm supposed to feel safe + able to trust when I find him doing these things any time I've looked thru his phone.

triaxisman t1_j2d1wdj wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:47 AM

> If he changed his mind or needed to say yes to avoid conflict, he needed to communicate that. Because he hasn't, that's on him.

Saying it’s on him, how does that show you want to help? If anything that shows you don’t want to help, thus my point. No where have you said you want to help him with communication, you’ve just been blaming and pointing fingers the whole time. Blame is where you want the other person to take responsibility to fix it, helping is where you share that responsibility.

[deleted] OP t1_j2d2a29 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:53 AM

... because it is on him for not communicating? If I was hurt that you replied to my comment but never communicated that to you, that's on me for not saying that it would hurt me, right? Same concept. Like if I just randomly replied to you saying "I don't want you to reply to my comment, you don't want to help me, you're pointing fingers" when I've never expressed that I didn't want you to comment before and you didn't know it about that, you'd be blindsided. Because I didn't communicate it. It's unreasonable to assume I know everything he's thinking and feeling. He needs to communicate. I cannot help him without the communication.

triaxisman t1_j2d2nhp wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:58 AM

Yep it is on him, and that’s all you’ve been saying. Blame blame blame. If you want to help, you’d look for ways to empathize and problem solve. I even gave you ways to empathize that you could use to start to problem solve, but your response to that was to put it all on him instead. You’re in blame mode not help mode.

[deleted] OP t1_j2d310m wrote on December 31, 2022 at 10:03 AM

I am seriously trying to help but like it's literally impossible for me to help if he isn't communicating. If he's out at sea drowning and I'm at home, he can call me and tell me he's drowning. If he doesnt call me and tell me hes drowning, I don't know hes drowning, and it's impossible for me to help. I'm not a mind reader. Apparently you are, but I'm not. I am so willing to help him not drown. But how am I supposed to know he's drowning without that phone call.

triaxisman t1_j2d3ete wrote on December 31, 2022 at 10:08 AM

There’s ways to help, it doesn’t take mind reading, exaggerate much? And if you’re trying to help, what are you doing to help? All you describe is policing his phone, getting upset about it, then complaining about it on Reddit.

[deleted] OP t1_j2d3kia wrote on December 31, 2022 at 10:11 AM

Bc that's all you know, and clearly you don't actually care about helping. That's fine bc you aren't useful at all whatsoever. Be more useful and helpful and proactive in the future ;)

[deleted] OP t1_j2czpci wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:17 AM

And the porn is the surface level issue - the real issue is that I have to FIND OUT he's doing these things, he has not once come to me about any of these things. It would be different if he admitted to his mistakes vs me having to find out about it.

triaxisman t1_j2d0mtg wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:30 AM

For all of these types of complaints, rather than break up because he’s untrustworthy or discuss with him why he says one thing but does another, your solution is to monitor and object to his behavior getting more and more mad. I don’t see how that’s helping either of you.

Smores_Graham t1_j2e0rv4 wrote on December 31, 2022 at 3:50 PM

Do yourself a favor and listen to the comments/ yourself and leave already It doesn't matter if you both "have permission" to go though eachothers phones, what matters is that you feel the need to have to. You yourself said the relationship has trust issues. He's trying to hide stuff from you, and it's about his ex too

Why the flying fuck are you in this relationship because there's obviously no communication or trust. Is the sex just that good?

[deleted] OP t1_j2d1ykw wrote on December 31, 2022 at 9:48 AM