long distance bf wont get a job

Submitted by Snoo36463 t3_z8wox9 in relationship_advice

me (20) and my bf (20) met online and have been dating for 1 year, everything is super great. we've met irl 4 times and every time has been amazing. being with him makes me so happy. i want to see him again but we're both 20 and money is a problem. we're about a 15 hr drive apart so we have to fly to see each other. which obviously gets expensive.

im a full time college student and i work 20-30 hrs a week. im very thankful that my family helps me pay for my rent but i pay for everything else like groceries, gas, etc. my boyfriend doesn't have a job, isn't in school, and has no money. his situation is difficult though so im very understanding. he doesnt have his license and his family refuses to drive him anywhere so he's stuck applying to places that are walking distance. i get that he doesn't have many options. but in the last 6 months he has had 3 different jobs, all of them lasted about 2-3 weeks and he either quit or got fired because he didn't want to go to work. every opportunity he had he just threw out the window for no reason.

im not judging him at all for his situation. i know its hard for him and he has to worry about things that i dont have to. but he wont stop asking me to buy him things, like constantly. last trip, i paid for EVERYTHING. his flights, food, movie tickets, every time we went to dinner. i spent almost 2 entire paychecks, 4 weeks worth of work. im happy to buy him stuff, i love buying him things that make him happy. and im fine with paying for most things like dinner and movies and stuff. but he didnt bother saving a single dollar. this was around the time he had his last job, he got a paycheck right before the trip and spent it all on random stuff. i dont even know what he spent it on but when he came to visit me he had absolutely no money. and still he keeps asking me to buy him things. i dont know if he's even tried getting another job.

i know its not my business what he does with his money, its not like we're living together or even living in the same state but its starting to effect me too because there's things i NEED and want to get for myself and im trying to save money for the future and stuff. and i want to see him so badly but i just can't pay for everything again i literally cant afford it. so i cant see him until he gets a job. i dont think he's gonna bother getting a job. idk its starting to effect our relationship and im getting upset and worried idk what to do or say to him

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TallTanandMeh t1_iydogss wrote

So thats a red flag. If hes unwilling to work isnt in school what are the long term prospects? Do you think the relationship could survive you graduating getting a career while he stagnates? Excuses aside if this is someone you see yourself building a life with it should be worrisome that hes not actively building anything even for himself.

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TheBald_Dude t1_iydoin0 wrote

This guy must be SO good of a player, i cant even get a gf and this guy is here getting a sugar mama that he doesnt even have to see alot. 🤣 /s

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Such-Candidate8083 t1_iydp6hq wrote

First things first. Set your boundary on how much you can afford to spend on him and enforce your own boundary with your own self.

Second, if he doesnt want to do anything in order to see you, do you want to be with him?

Third, are you compatible if he doesnt work or go to school and you do? Are you compatible if youre long distance and cant afford to see each other?

Fourth, hes making excuses for not having a job. There are thousands of open entry level jobs you can do from home. Or businesses you can start. Plus he got a job, then did not keep it THREE TIMES.

Fifth, a friend of mine spent tens of thousands of dollars on a man over the course of five years. He never held a job, never did childcare, and never helped with chores. Instead, he hit her and played video games for hours daily and impregnated one of the women that he played with. I’m sharing this so you know that sometimes people don’t change. Sometimes they get much worse. And it can go on for as many years as you allow.

And whether or not he decides to change is NOT IN YOUR CONTROL.

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Snoo36463 OP t1_iydqsf4 wrote

Replying to TallTanandMeh (#814,216)

yeah ive been thinking about that a lot, our plan is to move in together in 2 years when im done with school but if he keeps doing this i dont think its gonna work out but i really dont want it to come to that lol

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Snoo36463 OP t1_iydsb18 wrote

Replying to Such-Candidate8083 (#814,462)

he's a really sweet and caring person but the problem is he's just lazy (i feel bad for calling him that but he is lol) he wants to play games all night and sleep all day. but when i see him in person he's completely different, he wakes me up at 9am every morning so we have more time to hang out and he doesnt want to touch video games because we could play together anytime. our plan is to live together in 2 years when im done with school and i really really want to so im trying really hard to help him. but yeah if he keeps doing this its not gonna work out as much as i hate to say it

also sometimes he jokes about in the future im gonna get a big job and pay for everything while he stays home and keeps the house clean. i dont want to live like that and im starting to think its not a joke lol......

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Such-Candidate8083 t1_iydt941 wrote

Replying to Snoo36463 (#815,470)

No i dont think thats a joke, i think thats his wish. And its fine to want that and express that but if you dont want that, youre not compatible.

Plus I hope he realizes that staying home and managing a household is actually a lot of work so if he doesn’t like to work, then he’s not gonna like that arrangement either.

God forbid you end up bringing in the money and doing everything at home too, like the friend i mentioned.

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