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When you ask your partner "Hey can I go through your phone"

After they die, or if they go missing.

When you have a specific reason and they have given their permission. I was in very abusive relationships in the past where, when I was allowed to have access to technology like a phone, I was monitored completely. He had access to my camera, microphone, texts, internet history, call logs, downloaded apps, etc etc. I’m now currently in a new relationship, gave the guy my password because I was happy to be allowed to keep my phone while in a relationship, and told him he could go through it whenever he wanted if he asked. Well, he went through it without asking (just looking for an email, but still) and I immediately changed my passcode. He tried to argue it, but I told him I had laid out a boundary and he crossed it so he lost that trust I had given him. I explained to him what my ex did and that I refuse to be ok with someone invading my privacy again.

This was the first time I had laid out a boundary for a man and stuck to it. I was so scared, but figured that if he was going to be abusive, it’s better to find out sooner than later so I could get away more easily. He ended up understanding and I didn’t get into any trouble 🤷🏻‍♀️ I kept expecting it for days, and felt guilty even now a couple months later. I just firmly believe that every person deserves to be their own person and deserves their own privacy, no matter how long they’re in a relationship. I always give that respect but never thought I should be able to give the same respect to myself. I don’t care if it’s normal for couples to have each others passwords for stuff. I’ll share them when I’m ready to give up that bit of privacy. Maybe soon, maybe never, depending on what it is. The choice is mine alone

It’s not okay, ever imo. To me my partner going through my phone either means they’re insanely insecure, don’t trust me, are projecting their mistrust or all of the above. Can they use my phone to order food or call/text someone if their phone is dead? Yes. But going through my texts/social media dms etc? Complete violation of my privacy. That being said I have nothing to hide, ever so if they ask then yeah sure, but it’ll also completely change my view of them.

If they are dead or missing.

"No, I'd like to keep my phone to myself." "Cool, hand it over. u/tinaxbelcher said it was the right time if I asked, regardless of whether you consented."

😉