triaxisman t1_iyfa2z4 wrote on November 30, 2022 at 11:24 PM

> I can’t stop grieving who he was. Who he somehow still is.

Stop lying to yourself. The real him is the shitty cheater, the person you miss is not real, it’s just the charm he puts on so you put up with the rest of his crap. Do not talk to him, as you’ll just get sucked in again. And you feeling connected, also that’s not connection, that’s you falling for his bullshit again.

Here’s an analogy that might help. You know how when you’re really hungry even a stale piece of bread taste amazing? But it’s not the bread that makes it taste good it’s that you’re starving. Same thing when you “love” an abuser. It may feel like you connect with them but in reality, it’s because in the relationship you were mostly starved for his attention, so now when you get it, it feels awesome. But it isn’t. It’s just a stale piece of bread that just seems that way. Google intermittent reward, loss aversion, and trauma bonding as those concepts are similar and they all explain why it’s so hard to break free from abusers. But really, I promise you, every abuser is just a crusty old stale piece of bread or else they wouldn’t abuse you in the first place.

IwishIcouldsaytohim OP t1_iyfazys wrote on November 30, 2022 at 11:31 PM

Genuinely isn’t the love I miss anymore, it’s the company. I talk to my friends and I feel so bored. I don’t have anything in common with them, they don’t care about anything I care about. I find finding people I like to be so challenging, and it just feels so much easier to hang out with him. I’m really not trauma bound any more, though I know I was

Thank you for you comment though. You’re right that I shouldn’t go back

triaxisman t1_iyfdmps wrote on November 30, 2022 at 11:51 PM

So you’re lonely, and instead of continuing to look for friends you can connect with you want to talk to someone you openly acknowledge was emotionally abusive? That’s better? Sorry, ngl, that sounds like you’re rationalizing reasons to just start things up again. I mean you can talk to him if you want, but I can’t imagine that working out well for you in the long run. Most likely he’ll get emotionally abusive again, you’ll have to reheal and then you’ve wasted more time on him that you could have spent trying to find people you do connect with that aren’t abusive.