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oiler1996 t1_iyehnza wrote

I think it may be best to distance yourself from the friend abit, its ok to go to someone for outside advice and perspectives but your husband should be the guy your talking to the most about your issues. I understand that he doesnt want to do that but he needs to be an active part in the emotional aspect of your life. Right now he benefits because assumingly he gets the sex and fun stuff and sends you away to deal with emotions with someone else. Now your feeling guilt about sharing and becoming so close to the best friend when in reality you did what your husband wanted. I think you need to talk to your husband about this and explain you need him to step up emotionally for you, it will bring you closer together in doing so.

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throwingaway2846 OP t1_iyeztbg wrote

Thank you so much for your reply.

I want my husband to be the guy I come to so desperately, but he flat out refuses to work on his communication skills. When I come to him with my feelings (maybe once a week with something I'd like to discuss) if he doesn't understand them he gaslights me. I don't think this is intentional but is due to his upbringing. When I told him that I don't feel comfortable coming to him with my feelings anymore because of his past responses, he shut down and basically said I'm making problems. I had put distance between our friend and I for about a month but after we saw him last we started talking every day again.

What do you think I should do if he continues to not want to work on his receptiveness and communication? I can't force him to do it, and I really don't want to leave him. I love him to pieces and this is really the only area we have issues, but unfortunately it's an important area. At this point I'm starting to think he wants me to feel this way about his friend. Like you said, he's getting the perks without the work. I think he genuinely doesn't understand feelings and is scared of them, especially his own. Maybe that's why he's so okay with this, because he's shut his feelings off in that sense. I feel he loves me a lot, and I love him a lot too.

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oiler1996 t1_iyf1eo4 wrote

Have you ever expressed to him how you want him to support you when you are talking about your emotions or feelings? I know it sounds odd but some people are just really arent good at feelings and instead of discussing them they push them away, so telling him the kind of support would help.

Starting with smaller issues to discuss will help too, if you go to him with something thats stressful or difficult and he doesnt know how to respond it may cause him to shut down, but if you build up to something like that with him he may be more receptive to helping.

Maybe start by asking him to just let you vent to him first, then start asking for his opinion on whats going on.

Would he be open to seeing a councilor with you? that way you can discuss your feelings and they can provide him with tips and tricks on how to respond and help you?

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throwingaway2846 OP t1_iyf3no8 wrote

>Have you ever expressed to him how you want him to support you when you are talking about your emotions or feelings?

Yes, he's done a better job in a sense, but he still tries to fix my problem when all I want him to do is listen and sympathize. Most of my issues are just with dealing with 3 kids alone all day, then having to close at my job at night. I'm stressed and sometimes just need to vent. When I want solutions I usually state that before I start talking because I know sometimes he tunes in and out (which is totally fine when venting)

>Maybe start by asking him to just let you vent to him first, then start asking for his opinion on whats going

He sometimes does this, but usually he tells me he doesn't want to talk about whatever it is or tells me not to worry about his shit. I've told him this makes me feel left out of his emotions and thoughts and he apologizes.

>Would he be open to seeing a councilor with you? that way you can discuss your feelings and they can provide him with tips and tricks on how to respond and help you?

This is literally what I want. I don't want to see someone to "fix us" as he thinks, I just want a 3rd party there to help direct conversation in a polite and direct way with minimal confusion on our ends. He said he will not do this because he thinks they're going to convince me to leave him, that he's the source of the issues we have, be told that he needs to change, that I fell in love with someone broken etc. He doesn't grasp that I just want to communicate with him effectively. I'm exhausted, and I know he is too.

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oiler1996 t1_iyf5dda wrote

When he tries to fix the problem and your just trying to vent ask him to let you finish talking first, explain you want him to just listen as you were stressed throughout the day and just need him to be a pair of ears at the moment. If after your done he has solutions listen to his response, even if its not a good one just thank him for listening and you apprechiate him.

For him not wanting to talk about his feelings and emotions their isnt much you can do about that outside of reassuring him your their if he ever wants to talk and making sure he is comfortable doing so.

On option for councilling is for you to start out solo and then try and have him join in after you have gone a few times, this way he may be more willing knowing you have gone and you havent left him. Try explaining its not about fixing but its about growing together and becoming better for eachother

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