How To Tactfully Tell Him His Messy Room Is A Turn Off?

Submitted by DisMyLik8thAccount t3_yif3dp in relationship_advice

TL;DR FwB Had me stay over at his place for first time, he didn't tidy up at all and it was disgustingly messy. Should I let him know this is the reason I won't be coming back, and what's the best way for me to say that politely?

I [26f] Have been hooking up with this guy [25m] for a month now. (Completely casual friends-with-benifits thing, not romantic) This weekend was the first time I stayed at his, and as soon as I stepped in his bedroom, I almost immediately called a taxi to go home

He appeared to have not tidied up at all, despite having invited me a few days in advance. It was unacceptably messy, to the point I felt uncomfortable being there. I'm Talking entire floor begging to be hoovered, (Dirt and bits of wrapper all over) at least a dozen or more empty drink containers, and he didn't even have fresh bedding, in fact not even proper bedding for that matter. No mattress cover, just a blanket partly draped over, which was covered in bits I had to brush off (Over night I told him I was too hot so we could sleep on top of the duvet rather than the dirty blanket underneath. I Woke up shivering in the middle of the night but still wouldn't get under there)

I'm Not one who's judgemental about mess. I Live in a messy family myself. However, I will say it's polite to clean up a bit when you expect guests, and not doing so says something about how you feel about those guests. Am I not worth whacking out the hoover and a recycling bag, let alone some clean bedding?

As soon as he stepped out the room I was on my phone looking up transport home, and thinking of excuses. The only reason I didn't was because I live a fair distance from him, and it was late on a Sunday evening, so finding transport would be difficult or expensive. I Talked myself into trying to just get comfortable and tough it out, though a couple hours later I was regretting it and longing for my own bed and a hot shower

If I meet him again from now on, I definitely want to avoid his and will just stick to my place. So my dilemma is, should I do him the favour of letting him know the reason I won't go back, or just stay polite and say nothing? I Know it's kinda rude and not my place to comment on the cleanliness of someone else's home, but then again I might be kinda helping him out by saying something? Maybe he's gone a bit blind to the mess and by saying something I will help him for when he has guests or girls around in future?
If I do say anything though, I know I'll have to be very careful and tactful about how I do it. So my two questions are, should I say anything at all or keep in zipped, and if I say anything, what's the best least rude way to do so?

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CatelinaBaylorfan t1_iuiser4 wrote

Suggest your place. If he really wants his place, tell him that you need fresh sheets and for him to pass a vacuum. Don't comment on his habits or your previous comfort level, just lay the boundary.

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kaleidoscopevoyager t1_iuib0sg wrote

That’s gross. Just tell him though. Some people aren’t bothered by dirt and seem to be almost blind to it. It may not have crossed his mind that it would bother you. People also have different ideas about what is considered “clean enough.” He may have tidied before you came. It might have been grosser before lol

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samzimms t1_iuib1al wrote

It's just a FWB situation and he is putting in no effort. I think you should expect more for yourself and stop seeing him.

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DisMyLik8thAccount OP t1_iuib9n5 wrote

I Mean fair enough, but the thing is I do want to continue seeing him, so that's what I want advice on

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mrbuddhawannabe t1_iuib7f2 wrote

If he wants to do it again at his place then suggest your place. If he insists or asks why, then tell him you are not comfortable at his place. If he further insists or asks why, then just tell him that it is the way he keeps his place. If he keeps asking for reasons then just tell him the truth.

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DisMyLik8thAccount OP t1_iuibf8y wrote

This is kind of what I was thinking. Like, don't tell him unsolicited, but if he asks me what we don't go to his anymore I'll answer his question honestly (But tactfully)

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tinny36 t1_iuicvb9 wrote

I"m not quite following...you said "If I meet him again from now on, I definitely want to avoid him and will just stick to my place. So my dilemma is, should I do him the favour of letting him know the reason I won't go back, or just stay polite and say nothing?"

So do you plan on seeing him again, or you're ending it?

If you're ending it, go ahead and tell him. Do the 'break up' part then say' and to be honest, I was pretty uncomfortable in your place, I felt very unwelcomed and not valued as a guest by how little effort you put into tidying or cleaning.

If you're NOT ending it, and it doesn't bother you to stay at your place, then just keep offering your place, and if he ever says 'what about mine', then say, 'yeah so about that, I totally want to do things equally but I feel like maybe you don't really want guests over?' When he's like 'what do you mean', then say 'I just felt a little uncomfortable there, I like sheets on a bed and I just felt like I was always wiping crumbs off me'. So I don't mind meeting at my place.

If you're not ending it and you DO want to be able to stay at his place, tell him sooner rather than later, and depending on how well you communicate, you can make it light hearted... Next time you agree to get together, you can say 'so I can come to your place but like, YOu've been to my place, you see what my apartment is like, I like a made bed, with sheets on it...I mean, girls like neat and tidy, you know? (laugh)

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DisMyLik8thAccount OP t1_iuidw8g wrote

Oh sorry, that was a weird typo. I Meant to say, 'I Definitely want to avoid his place' not 'avoid him'. I Don't want to avoid him, I still like him

>Next time you agree to get together, you can say 'so I can come to your place but like, YOu've been to my place, you see what my apartment is like, I like a made bed, with sheets on it...I mean, girls like neat and tidy, you know? (laugh)

Funny thing is I kinda tried this already, before I'd even seen his place. The other night we were chatting online and he said, 'Well if you're coming I better tidy up a bit, I've let the place get kinda messy'. (Or words along those lines) Now I have before encountered men like him who are blind to mess and don't clean up properly, and I wanted to make sure he knew my expectations to avoid this very situation. So I half-jokingly said, 'Yeah you better had, I like a clean space lol' just to drop the hint in case he needed it. Didn't work though evidently. So yeah, at this point I think if I'm gonna say anything I need to be direct, hints don't work

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tinny36 t1_iuif5kz wrote

Ha, clearly.

Or, since dudes play games just as much as they complain WE do, he could have done it on purpose to kind of show you he's NOT putting effort into this, as a relationship.

Either way, if it's just a fwb and transactional...you're not worried about cultivating a 'relationship', then definitely set out your standards. YOu can say 'yeah...I'm not going back to your place unless you clean up. I'm not sleeping directly on a mattress and wiping crumbs off my skin. So, I'm sorry, but you either 'really' clean up this time, or we stay at my place.

You'll be able to figure out if/when you get tired of his laziness and always being the host.

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WildlifePolicyChick t1_iuidyby wrote

I'd say something, and I'd definitely say something if he brings up the evening or suggests you come back over again.

"I enjoy your company and we have a good time together [other words here], but I have to tell you - I'd rather see you elsewhere or at my place. Your apartment was [be specific] and very uninviting. If you want to entertain women at your apartment, you might consider [whatever he needs to do]. Anyway just needed to say that. So meanwhile, [SUBJECT CHANGE]."

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dancing_chinese_kid t1_iuibf5s wrote

>So my dilemma is, should I do him the favour of letting him know the reason I won't go back, or just stay polite and say nothing?

How is that a favor to him?

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WildlifePolicyChick t1_iuie8a6 wrote

Because if he brings other friends and/or Lady Friends to his place and they too find it disgusting, then yeah he'd probably want to know that.

I know I would.

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DisMyLik8thAccount OP t1_iuic2qh wrote

Like I said, it might open his eyes to it, so he won't have the same problem when bringing girls, or even just friends, home in the future

If everyone's too polite to say anything, he'll end up 35 y/o wondering why he's never got passed the talking phase

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dancing_chinese_kid t1_iuichjg wrote

You don't know that will happen and you're not the authority. Speak only for yourself.

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DisMyLik8thAccount OP t1_iuicpsj wrote

What?

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dancing_chinese_kid t1_iuiefsd wrote

You don't know he'll end up alone because of how messy his place is. For all you know he'll meet a woman tomorrow who doesn't care and they fall in love.

Tell him you want a cleaner place all you want, though, but this idea that you're doing him a favor is silly.

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DisMyLik8thAccount OP t1_iuif562 wrote

Think you're looking into this all a bit too deeply man, maybe taking it a little personal

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dancing_chinese_kid t1_iuik1qu wrote

I'm married to my HS sweetheart and sleeping in the same clean bed every night. Nothing personal to take from it. :)

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DisMyLik8thAccount OP t1_iuik794 wrote

Fun fact this guy was my high school crush, don't plan on marrying him though

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WildlifePolicyChick t1_iuiefye wrote

She IS speaking for herself, in hopes it might save him social embarrassment later.

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iNeedPhotos t1_iuj4pzp wrote

"Sloppy people aren't attractive. I don't want to do anything with you in this disgusting room."

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