ldr gf is going to dancing classes and I feel somewhat jealous

Submitted by thesaddestpoem01 t3_yic646 in relationship_advice

My gf (23f) and I (20m) are in an ldr for ~2 years. We plan on moving in eventually when we both finish college. We meet each other when we have the time and money and love each other a lot.

I've never been one for dancing. I don't think it's an interesting or profound art form. I think it's impressive when done well, but I don't enjoy doing it. My girlfriend likes it however. I've told her that while it's not my personal cup of tea, I'd always accompany her to dance lessons or whatever she wanted to attend in the future. Just the other day she told me her sister has been going to ballroom dance classes and convinced her to go as well. I'm really glad my girlfriend is trying out things that she likes but I can't help but get jealous...

The idea that another guy will be dancing with my girlfriend kind of upsets me. I feel controlling and possessive and I tell myself being jealous is unhealthy but I lose sleep over it. It seems silly, I know. But this is the same woman who refused to go to bar hopping with her sister because she didn't want to be hit on by other guys. I answered in kind and steered clear of places where other women would go to find relationships/hookups like bars, clubs, parties, etc.

I get a lot of people see dancing as just an art but I feel uncomfortable knowing another guy will be dancing and touching my partner, especially since ballroom dancing is seen as a romantic style of dance. I could really use advice in managing this jealousy. I feel like being somewhat cold towards my girlfriend now and I can't help it. I don't want to be this way but I can't help it. I don't want to tell her I'm uncomfortable with her dancing because it's not my right to tell her what she can and can't do.

Tldr: ldr gf going to ballroom dance where she'll be dancing with some other man. It makes me somewhat jealous and uncomfortable. I can't figure out what to do as the jealousy eats me apart, despite me being happy for her trying out her interests. How do I communicate this? How do I manage this envy?

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schrodingerzkatt t1_iuhy76t wrote

Former collegiate ballroom dancer here: just talk to her and tell her so that she can qualm your worries. Many people who do ballroom dance have girlfriends or boyfriends who ALSO are on their team and actively choose to not dance with their gf/bf. Overall, although ballroom looks very romantic from the outside in, team culture usually heavily emphasizes forming a friendship, not a relationship, with your dance partner. Of course there are exceptions, but if your relationship is otherwise healthy, there is nothing to worry about.

It’s how you said it in the post: dancing is just an art. The ‘romantic’ aspect of it is just the artistry of it, like acting. Just talk to her: ask her about the lessons and her partner, and when you get to see her again, ask her to teach you a couple moves for fun.

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thesaddestpoem01 OP t1_iuhz6jp wrote

I know I should talk it over... I just know know how I'm supposed to bring it up without seeming like a controlling jerk. I much lyrical and craft based arts to performance based ones. Poetry is a big one of mine. Yet this whole ordeal is... unpoetic and unromantic for me. I'm really big on romance so the idea of my partner dancing with another person makes me kind of saddened. It's just so... unromantic.

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schrodingerzkatt t1_iui16dj wrote

For a portion of the time I did ballroom, I was actually in your GF’s position (LDR, just trying out ballroom for the first time). One thing the team heavily emphasized was that if you came to the ballroom team expecting romance or a relationship, you are in the WRONG PLACE. Everyone was overall quite platonic with their partners.

My bf was a tad bit jealous too; the way we worked through it was me being very transparent about my partner, my friends on the team, and the time I dedicated to the team. I never felt that dance was romantic to me, it felt like any other sport I did. Just like how cheerleaders have to act excited and how football players have to act tough, ballroom dancers just act romantic. It’s just how it is. (For the record, my LDR ended for 100% non-ballroom related reasons)

Do not tell your girlfriend what she can and can’t do. I would approach it more like how you’ve been worrying that it’s more romantic than it actually is, and you’d love if she’d tell you more about her experience to dispel this fantasy you’ve made up in your head. That’s what’s going on in your head: a fantasy. In reality, ballroom lessons are likely sweaty, awkward, and loud (well, from my personal experience).

Think about it like this: writing romantic poetry is not a 100% romantic process. There’s probably times where you’re sitting there, frustrated, trying to find the right word. Or reworking a line that just isn’t working. Or tossing out the whole poem and starting over. Or banging your head against a desk because you have no inspiration. Eventually, the final product looks and sounds romantic, but leading up to that point was a lot of unromantic behind-the-scenes work.

If opening that line of communication does not help, please talk to a therapist or a trusted friend about your feelings just to vent it out. The idea of a man touching your girlfriend’s arm should not be enough to keep you awake at night.

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thesaddestpoem01 OP t1_iuiay0o wrote

It's not the arm. It's just the principle. But I suppose you're right. It's not the fact that there's another man touching my girlfriend. It's the fact that I can't be the one dancing with her. Someone else is filling that desire for my partner that I am all too willing to fill. That's what makes me sad. That's what makes me suffer.

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schrodingerzkatt t1_iuiez64 wrote

In life, we can’t always meet every single one of our partners’ needs, and that’s okay. If you are not there to dance with her, be there for her in other ways: virtual date nights, send her little gifts to show you’re thinking of her, write her poems, etc. If she loved you before she began to dance, she will love you after she continues to dance.

However, just because you can’t fulfill her desire to dance, does not mean she is not allowed to fulfill that desire elsewhere. I can guarantee that there is at least one thing that you crave that she cannot fulfill, and I’m finally certain you have found a way to fulfill that craving without needing to rely upon your significant other. All the dancing is doing is fulfilling her desire to dance, not her desire for partnership, romance, or companionship.

Continue to show her every day that you are going to be her source of intimacy and compassion. You don’t have to fulfill that desire with dance; do it in your own special way (see ideas above). If she has been your partner without dancing for so long, dancing is not going to suddenly become her sole source of intimacy. Continue to meet her emotional needs. I know art seems to be a very emotional thing for you OP, but it doesn’t have to be. Especially when that art coexists as a sport, a club, and a source of making friends in college.

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runningaway67907 t1_iuib4oc wrote

most of the men at ballroom dance classes are 60+ yrs old or you dance with a woman

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AC_NLGirl t1_iuihccp wrote

No point in being insecure. It’s just dancing; she’s not pool dancing or twerking on someone. Be confident in the fact that your girl loves you and would never hurt you in that way. She’s just taking ballroom dancing

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why_how_ t1_iui7wqs wrote

If You are uncomfortable, then you are uncomfortable. It's ok. You have rights to tell her what you feel. Then it's on both of you how does it go.

But I can't ignore her hypocrisy. You have already started compromising. And i can't ignore the reverse age gap. You are barely 18 and she 21. I honestly see lots of challenges ahead.

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thesaddestpoem01 OP t1_iuiakv6 wrote

Shoot. I messed up the ages. I'm actually 21. Sorry about that. We are actually both seniors in college so we are on the same point in our lives.

I often consult my parents for advice and my mother recommend for me to hide my jealousy and learn to cope with it. To teach myself to dispel it because it ultimately makes my gf happy. My father told me to confront my partner and tell her it makes me uncomfortable but not to forbid her from going. I'm not sure which approach is better.

As for the hypocrisy, I don't think I compromised too much. All I did is just start keeping other girls at a distance is all. I've always been a bit uneasy around girls anyways. So it's not a big deal for me. I don't think she even cares if I make friends with girls anymore. It's better I suppose but that apathy kind of makes me sad. Like we lost something... like I'm not as treasured as I once was.

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why_how_ t1_iuib1va wrote

Listen to what your father says.

One observation, man you are selling yourself so low. You are giving excuses for everything from your side. Any ways, good luck.

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