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schrodingerzkatt t1_iui16dj wrote

Reply to comment by thesaddestpoem01 in ldr gf is going to dancing classes and I feel somewhat jealous by thesaddestpoem01

For a portion of the time I did ballroom, I was actually in your GF’s position (LDR, just trying out ballroom for the first time). One thing the team heavily emphasized was that if you came to the ballroom team expecting romance or a relationship, you are in the WRONG PLACE. Everyone was overall quite platonic with their partners.

My bf was a tad bit jealous too; the way we worked through it was me being very transparent about my partner, my friends on the team, and the time I dedicated to the team. I never felt that dance was romantic to me, it felt like any other sport I did. Just like how cheerleaders have to act excited and how football players have to act tough, ballroom dancers just act romantic. It’s just how it is. (For the record, my LDR ended for 100% non-ballroom related reasons)

Do not tell your girlfriend what she can and can’t do. I would approach it more like how you’ve been worrying that it’s more romantic than it actually is, and you’d love if she’d tell you more about her experience to dispel this fantasy you’ve made up in your head. That’s what’s going on in your head: a fantasy. In reality, ballroom lessons are likely sweaty, awkward, and loud (well, from my personal experience).

Think about it like this: writing romantic poetry is not a 100% romantic process. There’s probably times where you’re sitting there, frustrated, trying to find the right word. Or reworking a line that just isn’t working. Or tossing out the whole poem and starting over. Or banging your head against a desk because you have no inspiration. Eventually, the final product looks and sounds romantic, but leading up to that point was a lot of unromantic behind-the-scenes work.

If opening that line of communication does not help, please talk to a therapist or a trusted friend about your feelings just to vent it out. The idea of a man touching your girlfriend’s arm should not be enough to keep you awake at night.

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thesaddestpoem01 OP t1_iuiay0o wrote

It's not the arm. It's just the principle. But I suppose you're right. It's not the fact that there's another man touching my girlfriend. It's the fact that I can't be the one dancing with her. Someone else is filling that desire for my partner that I am all too willing to fill. That's what makes me sad. That's what makes me suffer.

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schrodingerzkatt t1_iuiez64 wrote

In life, we can’t always meet every single one of our partners’ needs, and that’s okay. If you are not there to dance with her, be there for her in other ways: virtual date nights, send her little gifts to show you’re thinking of her, write her poems, etc. If she loved you before she began to dance, she will love you after she continues to dance.

However, just because you can’t fulfill her desire to dance, does not mean she is not allowed to fulfill that desire elsewhere. I can guarantee that there is at least one thing that you crave that she cannot fulfill, and I’m finally certain you have found a way to fulfill that craving without needing to rely upon your significant other. All the dancing is doing is fulfilling her desire to dance, not her desire for partnership, romance, or companionship.

Continue to show her every day that you are going to be her source of intimacy and compassion. You don’t have to fulfill that desire with dance; do it in your own special way (see ideas above). If she has been your partner without dancing for so long, dancing is not going to suddenly become her sole source of intimacy. Continue to meet her emotional needs. I know art seems to be a very emotional thing for you OP, but it doesn’t have to be. Especially when that art coexists as a sport, a club, and a source of making friends in college.

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