Is it unhealthy for me (31f) not to want to get to know one of my bf's (38M) friends?

Submitted by [deleted] t3_yi87mf in relationship_advice

Dating for half a year. My bf has a lot of friends, and the ones I've met, I've liked. He has one specific friend who has some characteristics that makes me feel "this is not a person I'd get enjoy spending time with, so I'd rather not meet them". I feel a little uneasy about them being friends, but I accept it. Of course, I encourage him to hang out with the friend as much as he wants to! It's just that I don't want to. My bf thinks I am too rash in my judgment, but I've dealth with "this type of person" before and have been burnt by it, and while I can remain civil it just won't be enjoyable for me.

Is this an unhealthy boundary for me to have?

TL;DR: I (31f) don't want to get to know one of my bf's (38M) friends based on what I know about them. Is that unreasonable?

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wrong_address t1_iuhi2su wrote

It's a reasonable boundary to have. If I were you, I'd not encourage him to hang out with that friend but I'd also not try to prevent him from it. 'Sure' instead of 'yes, please do go out with her'.

However, personally, if my partner expressed a wish that I join them/interact with a person I've wanted to avoid, I would do it, because they're my partner, I love them and one potentially uncomfortable afternoon/evening/night is a tiny sacrifice to make. If I proceeded to dislike the person after that, my partner should respect that.

Dying on hills of principles, especially when they're so low stakes, is never a good sign in a relationship.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_iuhjip7 wrote

I mean…fundamentally, you shouldn’t do anything you don’t want to do. Your free time is yours to use as you wish and you’re not required to meet or hang out with anyone.

That said, based on your follow up comments, you’ve been invited to a group get together where this friend is one of many who will be present. It’s not a one on one situation. If you need to “like” everyone who shows up for a party else you won’t go, you’re going to have a pretty bland social life.

I also think it’s kind of weird to prejudge someone to the point you won’t even meet them for something so basic as she posts racy photos of herself online. If she was a racist or a homophobe or something major? Okay, yeah that I would understand. But if your partner considers this person a good friend, I’d hope his judgment is pretty good and this is a person you can get along with.

My partner had a friend I didn’t much like after I met him. I told my partner I didn’t want to be alone around the guy. Within a few weeks of my experience, the guy was pretty much excommunicated from the friend group. Aside from that dude, I’ve never met a friend of my partner’s that I couldn’t at least tolerate as he has pretty good judgment.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhkbpl wrote

It's not just that. I don't want to go into detail, but there's a pattern of very attention seeing behaviour, which I have had previous bad experiences with in different ways.

See, the scenario you described is exactly what I want to avoid. I don't want to cause anyone to be excommunicated from a friend group, or disturb other people's friendships in any way.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_iuhkpf2 wrote

I wasn’t the reason the guy got kicked out of the friend group. No one else in the group knew about my experience. I simply told my partner I didn’t want to be alone with the guy.

You do you, but you asked for opinions and in mine, I think you’re being kind of silly to not even meet the gal. If you meet her and she’s seriously not your cup of tea and you can’t possibly be in her presence, we’ll then fine. But to me it’s like when my partner’s kid says “I hate that, won’t eat it” when he hasn’t even taken a taste and assumes that something green is an onion vs a granny smith apple. Yeah, they look alike but they aren’t the same.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhl84r wrote

I really do appreciate your input! I will have another think about this whole thing.

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MammothAd1266 t1_iuhf1ys wrote

It really depends on what the reason is.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhfdls wrote

Does it? I was curious about the principle of it, I feel like I should choose who I spend my time with.

But yeah, the reason is that she is a very sexually attention seeking, posting very revealing porn-y pics of herself on social media (amateur model) and is touchy feely with her female friends. I'm bisexual but don't want to be around that type of person due to previous bad experiences.

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MammothAd1266 t1_iuhgclx wrote

yes, you do have that right. But I can't say if it's a healthy boundary if I don't know why. For example if it's because they are violent, that's fair enough. if it's because they like a different genre of music, i'd say grow up.

The touch I get but the others, I don't see why it's a big deal. just don't follow her and you won't see them. I'd meet them but if she does get touchy feely, set boundaries. Intentionally aoviding her is going to be awkward and difficult. no one says you have to be best friends, but meeting her and being civil won't hurt you/

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhhs71 wrote

If I meet her and she makes me uncomfortable, I think that would make everything worse. I don't think I could handle it gracefully in the moment, and I would feel much more uncomfortable about their friendship than I already do. Even if she doesn't, chances are that I just wouldn't like her as a person because I dislike people who need to be the centre of attention. I would prefer for them to stay friends and don't want to upset that balance, so I'd rather stay out of it.

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MammothAd1266 t1_iuhimvs wrote

It sounds like you've already made up your mind that you don't like her which is ridicolous.

It's one evening, there will be other people there so it's not like you'll only be talking with her. it's for your boyfriend. sometimes, in relationships, you have to make compromises and do things you don't want because you know it makes your partner happy.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhl0m6 wrote

I 100% get why I come across as judgemental, and I appreciate your response! Imagine if it was something else. Let's say that he had a friend who was an addict, I had previous awful experiences around addicts, and said that "I'm sure this person is great, but they won't be my cup of tea". Would that be any different?

Which would be worse, your partner saying "Hey, I trust that your friend is cool in spite of their substance abuse, but I don't think that I want to get to know them" without meeting them, or meeting them and saying "I met them and I strongly dislike them now, I don't see why you're friends with them but I'll leave you to it."

I mean, I admit that there's chance that I'd like her, but I just don't think it's likely. And if she crossed any boundaries with me, I would be super uncomfortable with them continuing to be friends. Much more than I am now.

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MammothAd1266 t1_iuhm3sn wrote

Yes, that would be different. addiction is extremely damaging and can manifest in ways which are dangerous to the people around them.Whilst I firmly believe addicts need support and not isolation, I can see why someone would be cautious about being around them.That's very different to 'I don't like the fact they post pictures of themselves online'

I think you should go. It's one evening and will make your partner happy. Express any boundaries if she makes you uncomfortable and if she continues to do so, tell your boyfriend. Personally, I wouldn't continue to be friends with someone who intentionally broke my partner's boundaries. It's so disrespectful and it shows you what type of person they are.

I think you're being immature for not giving her a chance but he would being immature if he bruses off the fact she broke your boundaries

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Knale t1_iuhpll0 wrote

> I mean, I admit that there's chance that I'd like her, but I just don't think it's likely. And if she crossed any boundaries with me, I would be super uncomfortable with them continuing to be friends.

What boundaries do you expect her to cross at a group party?

Look. I get it, you don't have to love everyone, but this whole thing feels really weird and off-putting from you. Just be pleasant and cordial, and if you don't like her then don't hang out, but nothing you're saying here feels reasonable or fair.

This honestly just feels immature. You're going to be at parties with people who aren't your cup of tea at various points throughout your life, and at this point you don't even know this woman isn't your cup of tea. You're pre-judging her without even saying hello. "Attention seeking behavior" doesn't mean anything. I have some truly incredible friends who occasionally post a bikini picture on instagram. That doesn't discount them from being a good person.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhqvl0 wrote

I think there's a risk she'll be handsy with me, groping etc, which is something that she does at group parties, and yes, even with other people's partners. If that happens, I don't think I'd be able to handle it well. I know from experience that I tend to either shut down completely (freeze response) or react badly in other ways which would likely cause a scene. I'm sure she's an awesome person outside of this.

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Knale t1_iuhrig7 wrote

> I think there's a risk she'll be handsy with me, groping etc

So...maybe stand a little further away? Or when you meet say you're getting over a cold and you don't want to hug? There are dozens of options here other than judging this woman who you don't know. Smile and say "Hi, nice to meet you!" and go from there.

>which is something that she does at group parties, and yes, even with other people's partners.

You've seen this happen? With your own eyes? What does handsy mean? I hug/touch other women at parties besides my partner. Am I being handsy? I guess I just don't understand what you mean.

This is just one of those things when you're an adult that you're going to have to do once in a while, and who knows, maybe you'll get along really well.

Somehow I don't think this woman is going to grab your boobs at a party or whatever. I think you'll be fine.

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TuggNiceman t1_iuig6b1 wrote

>I think there's a risk she'll be handsy with me, groping etc, which is something that she does at group parties,

It's impossible for you to assume and judge someone for that when you have never met them.

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TuggNiceman t1_iuifxm2 wrote

I think it's really shitty to refuse to meet someone because they post sexy pics online. It's not any of your business.

It sounds like you've decided she's going to sexually harass you or something the minute she meets you.

I feel you're being completely unreasonable with your boundaries but go for it if you think it's necessary.

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TuggNiceman t1_iuifnfw wrote

>Does it? I was curious about the principle of it, I feel like I should choose who I spend my time with.

Absolutely.

If you refused to meet someone because they were a janitor or something, you'd be a huge unreasonable asshole.

There is no principle here, it needs context.

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TattooPuddle t1_iuhfdf2 wrote

It really depends on what exactly makes you uncomfortable. It's worth it to just be civil of the behavior in question isn't hurtful or problematic.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhfh4h wrote

Copy pasted from reply to another comment, the reason is that she is a very sexually attention seeking, posting very revealing porn-y pics of herself on social media (amateur model) and is touchy feely with her female friends. I'm bisexual but don't want to be around that type of person due to previous bad experiences.

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TattooPuddle t1_iuhfma2 wrote

I don't see how this impacts you in any way. You don't need to follow their social media and so long as you set some firm boundaries about physical touch with her, you should be fine.

You don't have to be best friends but I wouldn't go out of your way to avoid them because that's just going to make things even weirder.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhg4vm wrote

That makes sense. What I'm afraid of is that something will happen that forces me to set boundaries with her, and if it did, that would make me more uncomfortable with my bf being friends with her than I already am. I don't want to get in the way of their friendship, so I'd rather not invite a situation like that.

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TattooPuddle t1_iuhg96z wrote

When you're getting to know people, there's always going to be moments where you have to set boundaries, especially physical ones.

If you're worried about your BF being friends with her CURRENTLY why don't you talk to him about it?

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhgv79 wrote

The thing is, I don't like it but I accept it. I trust him. Honestly, there's nothing that he can say that is going to make me feel differently, so I don't see any point in nagging about it.

He invited me to hang out with her and a bunch of other people, and I said that I appreciate getting invited but I don't want to get to know her because I don't think that I'd like her based on what he has told me. He thought that I was exaggerating but it was getting late so we postponed the discussion. I'm sure she's great. She's probably not the kind of person I'd get along with, though.

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TattooPuddle t1_iuhgyuy wrote

You're assuming you won't get along with her despite never meeting her? That's a big leap. If you don't like her content, don't follow it. Clearly your BF finds her fun to hang out with so it's at least worth meeting her and then deciding if you like her or not.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhhhee wrote

I've had acquaintances in the past who behaved similarly to her, only... this girl is more extreme. I feel like if I meet her and dislike her - which I likely will even if I go in with an open mind, that's going to cause a bigger rift in my relationship than if I just don't meet her.

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TattooPuddle t1_iuhifr5 wrote

Actively avoiding a specific friend based off assumptions is going to cause a rift all the same. It just sounds like you have some hang ups about people who post more of their body online.

People don't behave like a hive mind. You've had some shit experiences but clearly your BF enjoys spending time with them so it's worth seeing what that is.

I'd be pretty peeved if my partner refused to meet up with a friend of mine based on assumptions.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhk033 wrote

I appreciate your input!

It's not only about that specifically, but I do have trauma about the attention seeking pattern in general. Both in terms of being used as a prop myself and people not keeping their hands off my partner.

Would it bother you less if your partner said "I've met them, and I just can't stand them and don't want to be around them." than if they just declined even meeting them? Or if your friend got creepy with your partner and your partner reacted strongly in a way that caused a scene? (I mean sure there's a chance that I'd like her, but what if instead it makes everything more difficult?)

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TattooPuddle t1_iuhki3b wrote

It would absolutely bother me less if my partner met a friend and said "you know what, not for me" because at least that shows that they made an effort to get to know the people close to me. They don't have to like my friends, so long as they can behave civilly if the occasion calls for it.

If you have some trauma behind certain behaviors, work on that with a therapist. Trying to avoid it instead of learning to deal with it doesn't make things any better.

The example of the friend behaving in a creepy manner doesn't really apply here. You're assuming that this person is going to do something based on your interactions with completely different people. If you want your boundaries to be known before hand, ask your partner to tell their friend in advance so it doesn't come up.

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sex_throwaway999 t1_iuhp341 wrote

> I do have trauma about the attention seeking pattern in general. Both in terms of being used as a prop myself and people not keeping their hands off my partner.

seek therapy

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhrl0t wrote

I am in therapy, thank you for your concern!

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Knale t1_iuhq2rr wrote

> Would it bother you less if your partner said "I've met them, and I just can't stand them and don't want to be around them."

Yes. Of course. Obviously. Because this shows that they made an effort to try and see who this person is before judging them unfairly.

>but what if instead it makes everything more difficult?)

You still haven't actually explained why you think that someone posting skin on instagram somehow precludes someone from being pleasant to chat with. Those two things have literally nothing to do with each other.

You don't need to endorse her social media use to get along with her. That's immature and silly.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhrjgi wrote

It's not just that. I didn't want to get into details, but main issue is thas a history of getting very physical with people around her at parties and hangouts. Yes, even girls who have partners who are present. That's a situation I want to avoid because of previous bad experiences. I wouldn't be able to handle it well if it happened.

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Knale t1_iuhrwfk wrote

>I didn't want to get into details, but main issue is thas a history of getting very physical with people around her at parties and hangouts. Yes, even girls who have partners who are present.

Without details I don't know what this means. Does she hug people? Does she grab people genitals?

I hug and touch all sorts of people at parties, yes, even with my girlfriend present. You continue to be really cagey with details and without those details it's impossible to determine how reasonable this all is.

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhs4ix wrote

Groping. Grabbing ass/boobs. I wouldn't gaf if it was about hugs and stuff.

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Knale t1_iuhsah9 wrote

And you've seen this happen before?

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[deleted] OP t1_iuhsdoh wrote

Nope, but my bf has told me about it, and ot doesn't sound like something you'd make up to impress your partner.

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TuggNiceman t1_iuigy7l wrote

This is sooooo illogical.

You've never met her. You don't know what she's like.

Anxiety is ruling your life here.

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TuggNiceman t1_iuigfqo wrote

>What I'm afraid of is that something will happen that forces me to set boundaries with her

It sounds like you just have really low self-worth and inability to set boundaries. That's the problem here, not her.

I got parties a lot. There's usually many people I don't know very well or just don't like. That's called being an adult.

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Donutduchess t1_iuhky0z wrote

It's unreasonable your bf is trying to force you to engage this person rather than simply be cordial.

I have only seen this type of force in two scenarios

  1. Guy friend is a pos and the gf not wanting to hang out with him makes the bf feel guilty about what a pos his friend is. The bf can overlook the pos traits because the guy friend is good at X game or childhood friends but when his gf doesn't hang out with him then he feels guilty that his excuses aren't enough to overlook the pos traits.

  2. Girl friend who is gay/bi and is very very touchy and does provocative stuff. The bf often has a crush on the girl friend and wants his gf to befriend her in hopes they will do girl on girl OR he gets a threesome.

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PristineReference147 t1_iuhiytc wrote

Always go with the gut. If'n ya don't wanna hang out, don't. I say good on ya. Why would he wanna force a bad thing?

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Knale t1_iuihl61 wrote

> Why would he wanna force a bad thing?

How does she know it's a bad thing? Guts can be wrong literally all the time.

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