how do I(21f) tell my mum why I am not picking up the phone

Submitted by mganga_mzungu t3_yiir3c in relationship_advice

I need some advice on how to tell my mum that my father said that I am no longer welcome to join our family calls.

A bit of background, my relationship with my family is complicated. When I moved out of the house my parents initiated a once a week mandatory family call. During one of these calls my father asked me to sort out my 'beef' (his words not mine) with my brother, who I no longer speak to, because he is tired of walking on eggshells during the family calls. Before this happened my mother dropped off the call due to Internet connection issues.

I have always been civil during these calls and have never said anything negative towards my brother. He however often finds opportunities to make rude comments towards me. After my father asked who would be the one to start the talking between us there was silence and after a couple seconds I said that I was not interested in fixing the relationship with my brother. My father then said that there was no point in me coming to the family calls if that was the case and ended the call. I have since not attended the family calls and I am waiting for the moment where my mum asks me why I have not picked up the calls. How should I phrase this politely?

TLDR: father said not to join family calls if I don't fix my relationship with my brother

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_iuiuvwc wrote

Just…call your mom and tell her what happened? This doesn’t seem very complicated. 🤷‍♀️

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mganga_mzungu OP t1_iuix83q wrote

I know this sounds exactly like what I should do, it just wouldn't go over very well. Think if it as if I need to speak in work language.

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_iuiyetg wrote

“Father said I’m not welcome on the group call as I am not interested in having a relationship with brother. I would still like to talk to you directly though.

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mganga_mzungu OP t1_iuiz4on wrote

She's super picky about what words I use... I just think if I say 'not welcome' she will somehow either use that against me or make it an even bigger problem. Honestly I couldn't care less about being on the call or not

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inna_hey t1_iujduzi wrote

i'm not sure how we as a bunch of strangers are supposed to help you with your mom's weird hyper-specific word policing

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sarilarifari5 t1_iuizzgh wrote

Than just don't do the calls and let your father explain it to her.

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Bandage-Bob t1_iuj6jeb wrote

It sounds like she's miserable to deal with as well so why haven't you just gone LC or NC with her as well?

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knittedjedi t1_iuk21gz wrote

That's nice. You can still have am adult conversation with her.

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susgodtraplord t1_iuj0zzf wrote

Your post says to me that you were bullied into being the “mediator” in every conflict and forced to compromise your feelings for the sake of someone else’s all the time. This reads like you’ve been manipulated to believe that unless you act and speak perfectly when voicing a concern, those concerns are invalid and don’t deserve to be heard. Your whole family sounds like absolute trash, from what you’ve described. If I were you, I’d seek therapy and take some time away from those who work to drag you into toxic patterns.

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mganga_mzungu OP t1_iuj32iw wrote

Already in therapy, and yes this is exactly what my therapist has said to me before. But since I'm a broke uni student still need the $$ from the fam

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susgodtraplord t1_iuj39vv wrote

Is it possible for you to get a job through your school? I worked in a cafeteria in undergrad for some extra spending $ and it didn’t interfere much with my schoolwork- either that or pick up a part time on the weekends. Do you have insurance?

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mganga_mzungu OP t1_iuj47co wrote

School only provides unpaid internships. And I don't really have time to work as my uni is a bit different than most and I'm usually at uni from 8am to 8pm mon-sat. I don't have insurance but I do pay for health care through the student union.

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susgodtraplord t1_iujcnqr wrote

Does your school have a mental health resources office? If you get health insurance through the school, you may be able to recieve mental health care through your uni, or even perhaps find a local therapist that would accept your insurance. I totally get the time constraints- that sounds really tough. Maybe an online WFH job could give you what you need? Something simple like data entry from home or secretarial work that would still give you time to do your schoolwork.

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Elegant_Ad_3620 t1_iuix4ka wrote

if your family is being dense about why you and your brother don't get along, then don't participate anymore. and why do you need to be polite with your mother about why you have not been on the calls? why can't you say 'I'm 21 and it's time to grow up. Bro continues to antagonize me in family events/calls and I'm done with it. Dad can fix this by fixing bro.

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mganga_mzungu OP t1_iuixjb1 wrote

I still rely on them financially as I am in university so I can't mess up... Other wise things will get a bit difficult for me. It's best if I stay on good terms

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Elegant_Ad_3620 t1_iuj2cv5 wrote

here is a recommendation...since you rely on them $$, get back on the calls and when brother starts to get pissy, say something like 'i don't know how to respond to that'. let your parents witness his pissiness. then when you are on your own, you can go NC>

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mganga_mzungu OP t1_iuj3857 wrote

Uff the amount of times I've said that phrase... But NC is definitely going to happen at some point

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Jen5872 t1_iuiy7jf wrote

Tell her the truth. Tell her you're father told you that you were not welcome on the calls anymore because even though you're civil towards your brother, he can not manage to do the same so you refused to mend a relationship with your brother who is hateful towards you.

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mganga_mzungu OP t1_iuiygz8 wrote

I mean I will tell her that I just need help phrasing it differently... More polite...

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Jen5872 t1_iuizihc wrote

There's a saying... You can put all the lipstick on a pig that you want but it's still a pig.

I can't think of a way to politely tell your mom that your dad told you you're not welcome because you won't subject yourself to your brother's craptastic behavior. It is what it is.

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mganga_mzungu OP t1_iuj049v wrote

Ugh... You're right, I feel like I'm just lying to myself thinking there's a way to mediate this

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The_Infamousduck t1_iuj97q0 wrote

Prepare yourself in advance for "Yes I know, he told me, and I agree with him".

Seems to be a lot of information you're leaving out of this. I really hope your brother every once in a while dropping a rude comment isn't enough for you to bail on your family, so I assume there's hopefully a lot more.

More info would help towards answering your questions.

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Healthy_Charity2015 t1_iuk93si wrote

How manipulative! Gees, if my parent did that to me, I'd go NC until they apologized.

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