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You said he told you he cares about you but can’t be in a relationship right now and is moving out… sounds like you’re in denial about him breaking up with you and that has already happened. The sooner you cut off contact, the sooner you can start to heal.

He’s cheating. And like all cheaters, he’s going to make you feel like it’s your fault that it happened instead of taking ownership of his mistake.

✔️ Distancing himself seemingly out of nowhere

✔️ Bitching about things he used to like about you

✔️ Not wanting to come home

✔️ A sudden desire for time apart

✔️ Gaslighting you to the fucking moon

This man has a fling at work and he’s too chicken shit to tell you. Do not feel shame here. You can do better than him.

Edit: and I hope you ignore the children of this site who compare your situation to their senior year flings. People don’t change in this way and they certainly don’t try to keep the door open. You are being kept as an insurance policy in case this other woman doesn’t work out.

I don't think hes necssasarly cheating but I do think this calls for an end of a relationship if you want to be with someone you live with for the rest of your life, its almost like he wants a girlfriend and not a partner you know? The commitment without all the other commitments that go with it. I can't say for certain but if they don't want to come home to you at the end of the day I think that means its the end. To turn your whole life upside down so he can get some space seems extreme.

Sometimes space can clarify things. If you're a compatible match, it can survive this. You say that you can't afford to move right now, so where is he planning on living? Both of you living apart is the kind of money that works getting a bigger place. Do the math with him, however if you find resistance - it's not the living situation that is the issue, and he'll either need to come clean, or you'll have to let him go without knowing any more details.

Sorry this is happening to you!

Don't listen to that.

"My bf broke up" - he's cheating. "My bf didn't break up" - he's cheating but wants a cake too. "My bf farted" - he's cheating and his arse has spoken about it.

Seriously....

There is not much you can do besides respecting his decision. It's hard to pinpoint what made you guys grow apart, but that state is often irreversible unless both people have strong desire to change that. Looks like he doesn't for whatever reason.

Go through your emotions, breathe in and out, you'll be OK.

I’ve done all of these check marks and it had nothing to do with cheating. It was just taking me time to realize that I didn’t like my girlfriend anymore and I had to come to terms with it. Y’all are so predictable here

Same. I had just caught the ick and didn’t like my boyfriend anymore. It happens, but sometimes you cling on a little too long out of circumstance/obligation. Nothing to do with cheating.

My SO and I went thru this same thing. He moved out after 5 years and for two weeks we had very little contact.

But we reconnected in such a stronger way after about a month and started actually going on dates and making time for each other. We are living together again and are closer than ever.

**Now, before Reddit jumps on the "he was cheating" bandwagon, he never did. I know for 100% fact he wasn't. We have all the same friends and his two BFF's, their wives, his boss and my son who works with him, and his roommate at the time can all testify to how depressed he was and he didn't want anyone but me. I spoke to them regularly to make sure he was ok due to his PTSD and depression.

My point is, you two broke up. But - BUT - if your XBF truly feels like he says he does, this may be something you two can work thru while living separately and working on yourselves while rebuilding your relationship.

Ignore the downvotes. Reverse the genders and redditors will hop onto she is cheating.

This is reddit home of the pity a rapist thread.

Heck it was deemed cheating when a woman who went to a work party and didn't update her bf every hour despite answering all his calls.

Men get a huge delusional benefit of the doubt here. There have been stories of women finding underwear in their bf/husband's bed and shit ton of excuses come out.

In fact men are so used to this delusional benefit of the doubt they often feel victimized if they're words aren't automatically seen as facts and their intentions aren't instantly deemed 100% good.

I'd prepare for it to be permanent. I broke up with my ex and framed it as a break at first because I was afraid of him and needed to focus on just getting out. I'm so sorry.

Hey, friend. He did break up with you. That's what "doesn't want to be in a relationship right now" means. But it sounds like he hopes you can reconnect as friends in a while. I'm really sorry, this is not what your hopes were for the future. But you have to deal with the reality in front of you for best results in time. Take at least a couple of months no-contact once he moves out; do not string yourself along but work on acceptance and finding your new way forward. Good luck, and hugs.

Are you serious??? Men get the benefit of the doubt??? LOL! It's the complete opposite, and most people will tell you that.

Sorry, can't give you any advice, but is your relationship my relationship? Because almost to the boot the same thing have happened to me 3 weeks ago, except my ex?-bf says "it's not that he doesn't love me, on the contrary..." but still decides to rent an apartment separately. He also says in messaging he doesn't want to give me a cold shoulder, but he also doesn't want to act as if "everything is the same except we live separately". I mean, he literally said he can't do this right now, but then keeps contacting me.

So, um, sorry for jumping on your post, I know it's painful, but I'm wishing you all the healing your heart needs right now.

He told you the truth and now you have to believe him and not try to attach some other meaning or feelings to his words.

Most people have been there. The devastation of a break up especially when you are not the one initiating it.

It will get better. In a year’s time, you will look back and see the situation differently. Good luck.

“Can’t have intellectual conversations with me that have depth and meaning” ah he’s one of those. Who’s at fault for not having good conversation? The person who is putting in as much effort as possible or the person with the mindset of not being able to have a conversation before it even starts… sounds like someone from r/iamverysmart Sorry I don’t really have any advice but you sound like a really nice person and he sounds like a bit of a cunt.

Or it could be that he just doesn't want to be with OP anymore. You're not obligated to stay with someone you're not happy with. He's not happy and ended things.

It’s fine if you lack the experience to see the signs dude but actively encouraging burying their head is some malevolent shit. Nice job.

>he doesn't want to lose me from his life but that he cant be in a relationship right now

No, that's...that's a breakup. He broke up with you in an amicable, polite fashion. You are single.

You are no longer a couple. This relationship is over.

Very sorry. Try to respect his wishes and move on.

He said "I dread coming home to you"?

What a horrible thing to say to your partner. Sounds like he badly wants out, but it too scared to actually do it.

I hope you can take the time to heal. I was dumped after 6 years and it was very difficult, but I'm doing well now a few years later.

>he doesn't want to lose me from his life but that he cant be in a relationship right now

uh, i mean, it sounds like he DID break up with you? I'm confused

See me and my partner have always had separate rooms for various reason due to our relationship style etc but also due to our personalities and need for space from one another. I love him to the moon and back but seeing his stupid face constantly with no space ro retreat to would be a nightmare for me.

Space isn't always a bad thing. Space doesn't mean that love isn't there. But also space gives you time to think and reflect in a way you can't don't in close proximity.

I'm sorry you're going through this. Changes like this are scary and stressful and bring with them quite a few emotions and very easy ways to spiral. My interpretation is that the relationship is over, he said as much. It's likely he backtracked to minimize hurt and make it sound like a temporary break, but its better for you in the long run to see this relationship as over. Half a decade is more than enough time to determine if a relationship will continue to flourish....or if it has run its course.

I wish you all the luck in building space for yourself and grieving the closing of this chapter in your life

The more you act like you don’t care the better the end result will be for you. Let him go and don’t reach out to him first ever

Hi op I have been dealing with something incredibly similar. Take this as a break up. I had all the same thoughts as you after 7 years of being in a relationship. I was miserable for months as decisions were repeatedly changed and he was wishy-washy. While it hurts like a fucker to be broken up from who I thought I would spemd my life with I also feel so much lessstressed worrying about all the what ifs of my kind of on kind of off relationship. Take time for yourself.

Also OP, sometimes we have to take whatever living accommodations we can afford - but don't ever do studio living with a significant other before. it's like sharing a hotel room permanently. even the nicest, most lavish hotel room will start to drive you insane if you have zero privacy from your spouse. for years. trying to take naps were pointless.

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I'm sorry, OP, but saying that he can't be in a relationship right now and moving out is breaking up. He broke up with you. I'm so sorry. But, you need to accept reality and make plans to move on with your life. Trying to convince yourself there is still hope is only going to hurt you more. Good luck and best wishes to you.

He did break up with you. “I can’t be in a relationship with you right now” is a clear as you can be when breaking up with someone. Im sorry.

It sounds like he wants to move out and break up.

Yeah, you need to make a clean break up with him. Sounds like he is fizzling himself out of the relationship. You should date other men in the meantime. He is not worth it due to his behavior.

Thank him later, you deserve happiness in this life. Not one foot in and one foot out. I don’t believe in soulmates… there’s 8 billion people, there’s gotta be endless people you’d connect with.

Try set some goals and work on yourself, get your life and have plans for yourself. No one should ever consume you so much that if they walked out on you you wouldn’t know what to do. You’ve gotta reach a place where no matter what you can handle being on your own. Learn to be alone again, it’s a beautiful thing!

He wants to break up.. sounds like he had felt this way for a while. Give yourself a chance to see life without him.. that's what he wants.. yall had and have the chance he doesn't want it. He doesn't like something about you.

What made you think this wasn’t a break up? It sounded to me just like he wants to stay friends and keep you around for emotional support, without the commitment of a relationship. That doesn’t seem very fair to you

I'd take it as a win you got 5 good years with someone. Mine broke up with me after a year and a half. I didn't understand at the time and thought she just needed time to work on herself. So for a whole year I held on to the hope that once she did that we'd get back together. We did not. I should've just taken it as a break up so I could move on and not torture myself for a year. She's moving in with someone else now and is doing better at least. Now I don't entertain those thoughts anymore. I implore you to let this one go and move on he's not moving back in.

I'm sorry this happened to you. It is very painful to lose someone you love. Especially, if it is fully initiated by him and is not what you ever wanted. It's going to hurt for a while. But it'll get better. My advice from personal experience: don't stay friends. It's going to make the healing process longer and more painful. I know it isn't easy at all, but that's much healthier for you. Otherwise, you're going to re-live this pain over and over again, every time it seems it's getting better between you two. Learn to live without him. It's a great skill and achievement in life - being able to be happy by yourself. And remember, there's no such thing as "love of my life". There is only a "love of my life at this particular moment";)

‘Little things you do that he used to live now annoy him’ He’s definitely doing it to break up. If a relationship hasn’t flourished after 5 years will it ever? Also money does make life easier but I’m gonna say that there are plenty of couples with little money that are still in love with each other. Some of the happiest people I know don’t earn that much. I empathise with you I really do but the sad truth is that moving out is the start of him moving on with his life.

Look it's time to go . You can't be with someone who doesn't love you or respect you. As the old Sting song says , " Set Them Free" If you love him you respect his space . I know it's hard but move on. Life is too short .

Yeah….he broke up with you. He may have walked it back to make you feel a little better but he’s done. YOU may feel like you’ve both got love for each other but he has made it clear it’s not happening for him. I’ve been on both sides of this situation and it’s incredibly painful. I am sorry. And the sooner you recognize it’s over, the faster you will be able to heal and move on to someone who appreciates you for you

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I actually asked this of my ex husband when I started feeling claustrophobic in my marriage. Looking back, I could see that I was becoming a third wheel in my marriage (mistress being work) so I wanted to see him on my terms instead of his. So moving out meant no expectations. I see where he’s coming from- he needs space to decompress and evaluate but still both you and his freedom. I’d take this as an opportunity to live alone and- decorate your house as YOU want. Make friends on the Meetup app, eat junk food and listen to True Crime on a Friday night, have date night with him one day in the week and spend Saturday night as his place, etc. If this dynamic ends your relationship, then he was never really yours to begin with

>we both don't have much money and cant really afford to move out in this economy, also no family support either

Yet he's moving out.... So either you both could have afforded to find a better place with a bit more space or maybe there's just something else that's also wrong and he's over it and wants to break up.

Ive been there, it helped straight away after his depression got easier. Are u sure he doesnt have mental health issues right now? Thats usually when people need space and snap over small stuff. It was easier for me because i didnt officially live with him but far away and after i got my own place in the city he said hes feeling better and wants us to live together again.

But also why did he first want yo break up? What made him to switch and decide moving out will do

Sometimes, no matter how much you cant believe it, it really is just mental health.

this happened to me and then 3 months later he broke up with me :/

Did someone cheat on you?

If five years isn't long enough for a relationship to flourish, I don't know what is.

This is how my wife asked for a divorce 🤣 exact words and all

>We have been together for 5 years

BUT ALSO

>I feel like we haven't had a fair chance to let our relationship truly flourish

I'm not sure how much time you think an exclusive relationship takes to "flourish," but it's definitely less than 5 continuous years! Time for you to move on.

Sorry to hear that; it is over. It happens. Not all relationships go the distance, some of the passionate ones burn up and then once the fire dies down some it ends up falling apart.

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My guess is that he met someone - coworker, fellow student - with whom he connected intellectually, and now he's drawing unflattering comparisons to OP. He'll change his tune when he realizes that happy relationships are not built on intellectual connections alone...

Codependency. Read up on it. I think you may relate.

Sis, he already broke up with you. He told you he doesn't want to be in a relationship right now. That means you're not in a relationship. He dumped you and is moving out. You have to realize this or it's going to be much harder on you in the long run. Let him go. You will find someone else down the road.

You needed to be a bit stronger here. He moves out then he is gone.

There might be a chance of saving it though. I was in his same shoes at one point, but she did everything she could to give me space in our small apartment. I moved out after we broke up but we kept seeing each other and after some time, I felt better and more committed to her. The only person I thought about was her and I wanted to spend my one day off with her. I messed up by waiting too long to get back together though. I miss her dearly.

I told my current girlfriend that I'd be happy to move in with her but I'm still gonna keep my apartment so we have our own personal spaces to retreat too. I don't wanna make the same mistake.

It's a break up.

He never once suggested just moving to a bigger place, did he?

Well, if that's a rent issue, I get it. But the fact that he didn't bring it up raises alarm bells for me.

He may be afraid of hurting your feelings, or of being alone, but going from living together to living apart?

That's gotta be a break-up, even if not directly called that.

Very sorry for your pain.

Please be kind with yourself and please stop any/all communication with him. It will only prolong your suffering.

This may seem insensitive for me to mention, but consider it a bitter pill that might help take some of the shine off the halo you have put over this guy:

It is highly likely that he has his eye on someone else -- someone with whom he has been having "intellectual conversations." 🙄 On that note, your ex-bf is a twat. just saying.

It's awful to lose someone you are so invested in. Yet now the only way through this is to find your determination and actively put him out of your head.

If you need a short period of wallowing, that is 100% understandable. Heartbreak triggers the same physiological response as bereavement. Only you must treat it the same way: He is dead to you. Trust me, that attitude is the fastest route to peace and loving your life again.

Self-care, Time, Distraction (the good kind -- friends, fitness, pets...); these things will help you.

Please consider posting an update after a few weeks.

Sounds like he broke up with you but wants to keep you hopeful in case he has regrets so he can return to the relationship. It’s fine to want space but stringing someone along for your own convenience is just wrong. Let him go OP you can’t make someone stay if they don’t want to and you’ll only end up hurting yourself more if you try to stop him.

Focus on yourself, it’ll work itself out in the end.

Why do you think this is not a break-up? If he can't be in a relationship with you right now, he is breaking up with you.

No, OP is confused. You have it right. She was, indeed, dumped.

Someone can be your soul mate for a while, and then it’s okay if that changes and you both move on to other happiness in life. That doesn’t mean the relationship was a failure; it had just run it’s course.

You have a new, exciting adventure on the horizon!

I am so so sorry this happened to you. 5 years is quite significant already, but its better to think of it as that the relationship ended. Its better for your grief and healing, than hanging on a string of hope and waiting for anything from him. It would be loss of time. He has possibly other plans and it would only hurt you further. Take care

A HUGE question - Is he an introvert? If yes, then what he is saying makes sense. He doesn't have a place to recharge his energy. Extroverts get their energy from others around them. Introverts get their energy from themselves.

What he is craving is alone time each day. The current living arrangement doesn't give him that.

Something for you to think about - does he at public gatherings disappear every so often? If yes, this is a coping mechanism so he can recharge. I will bet he hides in the bathroom for a few minutes. It is a common tactic for introverts to use in situations like this.

This webpage explains it simply and perfectly. https://danineteen.wordpress.com/2013/05/08/dr-carmellas-guide-to-understanding-the-introverted/

I have a suggestion - how about finding him a block of time a few times a week where you leave the house for a couple of hours so he can have his alone time. You could go to the library, the park to read a book, something. The important thing is you are giving him alone time blocks that it sounds to me he desperately needs.

Edit: Do NOT think you being with him doesn't take energy. IT DOES. Do NOT make this about you whatever you do. If you go that route, it WILL backfire on you and make things worse.

So he can afford a place of his own, but not a bigger place for the two of you?

Idk about that… this sounds like a straight up break up to me…

If he’s to the point that he can’t stand being around you, then why would you want to be around him anyway? You deserve to be loved all the time, not just when it’s convenient for the other person.

I’ve been through enough breakups to know.. there must be something going on with him he’s not telling you. Maybe he met someone else. Tbh that was my first thought. He’s trying to ease out of it because he’s not sure of the whole situation yet. That’s why people gradually lose interest in one person, because they gain interest in another person. This has happened to me in the past. But the bottom line is.. I guarantee.. like absolutely guarantee you.. this is not your fault or your doing. Whatever reasons he gives you that place blame on you are just so he can save his own ass. I’m telling you. It doesn’t feel like it now, but you’re probably actually dodging a bullet. He’s probably not the great guy you thought he was. I’m sorry you have to go through this, it’s totally not fair. But keep your head held high and do you. He is doing him. Trust that. And you do the same. Things will get better. If he suddenly wants to make it work again, fair warning.. whatever else he had going on didn’t work and he became afraid of being alone. I’m sure some redditers would agree with my analysis because they’ve also been there, done that. If it helps at all, I’m in a relationship with the best dude now, after dating men that ended up being douches like this dude. I’m sorry that he’s not living up to what you deserve. Best of luck to you. There are actually good dudes out there who will love you for exactly who you are, and will do it genuinely. 🍀 Again, don’t think for one moment that it’s you. It’s absolutely not. It’s all him.

Unfortunately most of them aren’t built solely on love either. I’m not saying it’s not a possibility that he’s a jerk, found someone else, whatever….but I think it’s also totally possible he just learned (unfortunately the hard way, through living together in a matchbox) that the two of them don’t click the way he needs. He may regret it later. I hope OP is beyond this by that too me if he does

A surprise pregnancy will fix him right up.

I think they may have🤔

Yup. Usually it’s more about people pleasing, trying to give it more time “because they’re such a good person,” or just the unfortunate fact that people don’t always know what they want. It sucks to be on either side of it, but god….cheating is not the only reason people leave

Yeah….idk what gender has to do with any of this, but people are literally allowed to not be happy in their relationships anymore. And that’s good enough reason to end it

It sounds like your bf is wasting your time. That’s not fair to either of you, and I’m sorry it’s happening :/

He broke up with you.

Yup. I was in a five year relationship and it was slow as mud. I ended it for several reasons (mostly I realized he didn’t even like me but whatever), took some time for me, and my current boyfriend and I already talk about the future. Plans to move in together (next year), moving cities when we’re done with school, a timeline for getting married and trying to start a family……it’s been a few months. It’s flourishing. The difference is astounding when someone is actually prepared to be your partner (and you’re prepared to be theirs) and not just your best buddy who you love a lot and then waste time to “see where things go.”

At most, I’d assume a year is enough to tell. Thoughts?

So first of all, start referring to him as your ex-boyfriend, because he broke up with you. Five years IS giving it a fair shot to flourish, and clearly it didn’t, because he broke up with you. It is time to accept that truth and consider next steps. You are single now.

Um hate to say this but he did break up with you. He said he doesn't want to be in a relationship. That's literally him saying it's over.

Take this time to heal get back on your feet glow up save and travel or find a new job in another city or something. New place new you.

5yrs is a long time but unfortunately some times good things come to an end. It was also enough time to flourish just sucks that it didn't.

It may be more painful when you find out he's moved on too. Just FYI.

He wants to break up, but, 1) he thinks the blow won't be so hard if he does it slowly, 2) He's a coward and wants you to do his dirty job or doesn't want to be seen as the bad guy, 3) He thinks the grass will be greener on the other side, but is keeping you in case his plans fail, 4) He means everything he said... Whatever his reasoning and true feeling are, the truth is you will hurt, I'm so sorry.

Sounds like he’s letting you down easy. Prepare your heart.

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I'm sorry OP, but the reality is that your relationship is going backwards.

I'm a firm believer in actions. If he can walk away, he's not invested and you need to find someone at the same level of commitment and not wait on someone who is waffling.

100% Agree with this. Dating for 6 years and I have my own place, but when I used to share a Studio with someone, oof. It was very straining. However, I understand why a lot of people spend 45 minutes in the bathroom now. It was the only time that I could catch some me time.

Yeah, I was waiting for the "and then we decided to not break up, but just move out instead" but that didn't come.

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I'm gonna be extra frank here:

1. it sounds like space was needed and you didn't take that seriously
2. you sound kinda clingy.
3. it sounds like you were dumped but you haven't really accepted it yet... which makes me circle back to 2): you sound kinda clingy.

"we haven't had a fair chance to let our relationship truly flourish"

You've had FIVE years, wym?

I agree 100%, sometimes you just need to go into a bedroom and lock yourself up, or go into the living room and have some time to yourself. That doesn't mean you love the person any less, but humans need and deserve time alone, too.

It's not a horrible thing, it's an honest thing. Had he insulted her that would've been something else, but if your partner says that, and you don't dig deeper to find out what's going on, then you really ARE horrible to come to.
Op sounds clingy, like unhealthily clingy.

Your relationship is over. Your focus right now should be accepting that and taking care of you. I’m so sorry.

In life, most of the people who become a part of our lives have an expiration date. And that is totally ok. It doesn’t make you or them awful people. I guarantee you will look back one day and see the valuable lessons you learned from this relationship.

what youve got here was actually a rewording of: "i want us to remain friends despite the breakup"

not: "i want to move out but not breakup"

What a shithouse! Sorry to hear op :(

Let him go, there’s probably an 80% chance from general experience he’ll come back once you’ve healed anyway then the balls in your court 🙈

OP, I am so sorry but this is 100% a break up. And by the sounds it of you deserve better… it’s not fair after all this time that your little quirks have become annoying to him but it does happen. I think the best thing for you to do now is spend time with your friends and yourself and move on. I really am so very sorry for you, I can’t imagine the pain you must be feeling. ❤️

Wow… you are… a sad sad person. I’m sorry someone hurt you that bad. But not everyone is always, how do you say, eating the shit sandwich?

Also calling it before you say anything back “well you’re young and don’t know. Sorry you don’t have experience in the real world’”

Maybe some time and space is what he needs to realize he doesn’t want to be without you everyday. You should always have separate lives from your relationship. Sounds a bit suffocated to me. Give it time to air out it’s hard but don’t lose yourself over someone else ever.

Sadly this relationship has run its course and it’s time to divide up any shared assets and move on. Trying to work it out will only prolong the inevitable.

It sounds like he wants out of this relationship and is trying to dump you, but you’re not accepting it. The more you try and fight this breakup, the more suffocated he is going to feel… and will probably block you.

Yeah, that was my first thought. OP, 5 years is def a lot of chances for a relationship to flourish, so I think you are telling yourself lies here. You created this story of how the relationship just Had No Chances, which is simply not connected to reality. Please re-evaluate: why you are creating this narration, what is the purpose, and what is the truth? And how this truth changes things, when you realize what it is (spoiler: the relationship had tons of chances to flourish, but it just didn't. So maybe this man isn't actually your soulmate? just an example of things that may come to mind when you recognize the "we just had NO CHANCE to flourish" things is a total fabrication)

Honey, he broke up with you.

This is a breakup. There is no move-out-but-not-breakup.

Dump him.

Sorry boo, you got dumped.

Also, he basically called you dumb, annoying and DREADS COMING HOME TO YOU?!? That isn't really the soulmate level shit you think it is. Especially since you guys have had 5-years to figure it out! Pressure (of 2 people and anmials being in a bachelor suite) can either make diamonds or it can make crap, and it sounds like it's made crap.

I know it's hard right now, but when you look back at this relationship in a year or two - without the rose colored glasses you have on right now - you're going to see how it just wasn't the one. I used to think that my ex was my soulmate because we kept finding our way back to eachother, so it had to be fate! But now that I've stepped back I can see it for what it was. I was constantly an anxious mess because I could never predict what would start a fight (and I use the term "fight" loosely, since it was more him getting mad/being rude about something I did or didn't do). I told my therapist once that I couldn't imagine my life without him, and the thought alone brought me to tears and she played the devils advocate and said that maybe the reason I feel that way is because I've lost my sense of self in this relationship by trying to hard to make it work and the reason I can't imagine my life without him is because I don't know who I am without him. At the time, I thought she was wrong. 3 years post breakup, she was absolutely right. Your ex didn't bother to try and make things better (and if he did it really wasn't working), his resentment kept building to a point where he strongly dislikes mundane things that you do. That is not a functional relationship, and there isn't really any saving it because that's all he sees now so while he still likes you as a friend, any hint of romance will be laced with those resentments. I hope you find healing and a love that doesn't need 5-years to flourish or fizzle. <3

Do you guys get out of the house separately? Do you guys have separate groups of friends, and each get girls night and guys night fairly regularly? People sometimes don’t realize how much they do need other people in their life and think a relationship isn’t working when in reality they just spend every waking second of free-time together, not sure if this is the case but it’s worth mentioning.

This is what some guys think of as a "kind" break up. Meaning, if course, that he was too chicken shit to tell you outright. You have been broken up with.

Same here. after 7 years Marriage she just said.
I don't want to lose you. You are a good man a good father, but I don't feel like I want to be in a relationship.

I agree! Maybe you don't have timelines and stuff in a year, but you sure as hell should be in a better position relationship-wise than you were 12 months earlier. They're 60 months in and OP is like, "We just need more TIME." Yeah, NO!

Look up attachment styles on google. Your partner sounds like heay have disorganized attachment style. Figure yours out. You may both find this helpful. You should both do an online quiz and discuss your results. A couples therapist may be helpful before making any big life changing decisions for either of you.

Honey he tryna let you down easy instead of just telling you how he feels. I’d take the L and take it as an opportunity to take the next step in your own life, on your own.

As an introvert, that sounds like a nightmare. Like there is no person, not even my mother, who I could spend time with like that without being able to shut myself in my room. I think I would just start hating that person.

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I’m sorry OP.

It’s very frustrating and painful when you are crazy about someone but they don’t return the feelings. And you think to yourself…but it could be so fantastic! We could be so fantastic!

Alas….you have to accept that reality isn’t what you want it to be.

I cried lots of tears. But I did move on. And you will too.

Something similar happened to my son's father. He was dating some woman when I was still living with him (were we done, slept in different bedrooms and all that jazz) after I moved out about two weeks later he moved her in. They were together for four years and she said she was getting an apartment for her kids but was still making plans with him for the future. Then she decided to move fully out of the house into the apartment. Soon after she fully moved out she said she wanted to be single for a while but acted like she still wanted to be friends but cut off contact. Then got into a relationship a month later and unfriended him on Facebook and eventually blocked him (he did not try to contact her either after she cut off contact, at least that's what he told me). When she first got the apartment I told him that it wasn't going to last long and so did his best friend. If you love someone why would you want to move out? It was a weird situation. Maybe you both need space but I would consider this a breakup.

She's still processing. And maybe he waffled too much and gave her a straw to clutch at. It's clear the relationship is over, though. "can't have an intelligent conversation" oh jeez

Do not string yourself along. Rip off that bandaid.

That was my first thought too. He's been having deep conversations with someone else.

Nah...if someone has issues in a relationship, it's up to them to fully spell out the issues. And if you love someone, then you do it in a way that's honest and still kind.

The dumped person always seems to feel like the other one just wasn't trying hard enough and was throwing away a potentially fantastic relationship. But the reality is, this is the potential running out. The fact that they want to break up means there's nowhere to go but down.

It sucks now, trust me I know…but you will thank him for this soon enough for leaving. You DON’T want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with you. PERIOD. There’s so much better out there in the world, which you will see.

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Before a man gets to this step they have wanted it awhile unfortunately. It’s clear he loves you and worried to hurt you, but you do not want a partner that is not in love with you. I hate to say it, but this was a break up and he’s trying to soften the blow for you.

Sound like a bigger home might help, you have to work on keeping the spark, he’s not contributing. I’d let him go, he’ll be back, but don’t compromise and give him a part time relationship, it’s all or nothing. So if he moves out that’s it.

Please listen to what he says. Ii don’t know how old you are, but there are many different people you’ll be able to connect with emotionally. This person has just no chosen you. Don’t waste your time trying to convince him. It hurts like hell, but live your best life and the person that chooses you back will come along.

He broke up with you. He’s not in love with you.

Hey. I am going through something similar. Look up attachment styles/theory. He may feel like his proximity to you is affecting his freedom. Even though he loves you. Look up living apart together. There are people who are married and live separately because that is what works. Living together is the root of issues for a lot of people. Lack of freedom of space/choice is what begins the end of many relationships. Me and my partner agrees to separate. She was willing to try to live apart-together, but she had never been involved romantically with someone else. And she does have reservations about whether I am the one or not. So instead of trying to convince her to stay or work it out, I’m just letting her go. Maybe temporary, or maybe forever, but I could never feel ok if I knew she had reservations. If she sees other people and relizes she wants to try again, I may be available, but I might have moved on. I just think the modern romantic relationship blueprint isn’t a fit for everyone. Some people don’t want monogamy, some people do but need their own space. Some people are polyamorous. Wish you the best . It is so hard to feel the relationship may be ending when there isn’t something drastic as the cause. I know I’ve been left with a lot of questions that don’t seem to have answers. And it hurts. <3

The sad reality is that sometimes relationships end when you don’t want them to. I am so sorry this has happened to you, 5 years is a long time with someone. Please be gentle with yourself, if possible, get in touch with a therapist or at the very least, surround yourself with people who love and care for you. You will get through this

Do not give OP false hope, she doesn’t need to stay on the hook. She needs to accept and process and heal and move on.

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You have to break up. This happened with my boyfriend and it completely changed the dynamic of our relationship

Yea there’s some perception issues here I think. A lot of the post seems contradictory, I would bet op has a rose coloured glasses approach rn :/ not the best thing to have after being dumped unfortunately

He absolutely broke up with you. Advice from someone who was in a very similar situation years ago - rip the band-aid off, go no contact, completely separate yourselves. It will huuuuuugely benefit your healing in the long-term. This is ultimately for the best and you will be okay!

That line hurt the most

This IS a break up with him stringing you along for sex and comfort u til he finds your replacement.

He is NOT your soul mate. He's a jerk that is trying to use youand prolong hurting you

He's dumped you. The relationship is over.

Cut him out of your life, block everywhere once he's gone, and get into therapy.

No, he wants to break up. You’re taking what he said and trying to find different meaning. Sorry, but he broke up with you.

I've been through this. My partner and I were about 5 years into our relationship, had been living together for 2 years, and, I don't know, we both needed to grow a lot. He basically was having a break down because he was realizing how much the world sucks, and that all the pretty ideals he'd been raised to believe in aren't actually followed by people who claim to follow them. His childlike naivety/innocence was dying and he didn't know how to handle it. He kind of went on a spiral, and it was almost impossible to deal with, but I was signed up for the long haul.

He said he loved me, but we needed to be apart. I fought it as hard as I could, but eventually I had to agree to let him go.

We'd been dating since we were teens, and we were then young adults just out of college.

He went off and figured himself out, I went off and took some risks that weren't as great, we both grew a TON, and he realized what he'd thrown away. A year after our separation, we met up, talked about things. Stuff felt different, right, like we were clicking all over again. Never once in our separation did I think of him as anything but my soul mate. The entire time apart we were both yearning for each other.

After a couple of weeks of talking things out, seeing where each other was, we decided to get back together, and we haven't looked back since.

The relationship is perfect now. Previously our communication was like pulling teeth, and now it's like a well oiled machine. We understand each other, talk to each other, work with each other. He is completely devoted and he shows it in every action. The break up sucked, and I personally don't think we needed it, but it forced us to grow past some things that were holding us back. We've been together 13 years now and have pretty much the most stable and loving relationship in our social circle.

I know this isn't the usual way this kind of story goes, and it may not be the case for you either, but who knows. All I can say is, be good to each other. If you really care for each other, then through this process do not be spiteful or hurtful, even when you are hurt. We always, ALWAYS, were kind and gentle to each other, never did anything intending to harm, and we were honest with each other at every step. You can see how much a person loves you, and how much you love a person, by how you treat them and are treated by them even in the most difficult of times. Keep that in mind as you go forward.

Good luck!

OP he dumbed you. It’s time to move on. Flourish by yourself and don’t let him ruin that for you.

The reason why he’s saying he doesn’t want to lose you from his life is because he’s using you as a back up plan. He’s checked out of the relationship and is ready to move on but wants a back up plan in case things don’t go as well as he planned.

Yeah, my partner and I don’t live together and tbh I’m kind of not rushing it just because I’m not sure how I’ll handle that 🥲 like literally no break ever?? No space that’s my own at all?? Idk 😬 I’m hoping we can find a place that will allow for us to have our own space still. He is the same way though, so it’s all good, we both understand each other. A lot of it is sensory/stimulation issues for both of us

As others are saying he did break up for you. Best you can do is give him space.

Do not text or call him first. If he wants to talk he will reach out to you.

Focus on you during this time. Find a counselor or friend to confide in. Don’t wait around hoping for him to come back but do keep in mind some space and going no contact does give him the chance to do some thinking and possibly realize he made a mistake. Continually reaching out will only push him away further

"Move out but not break up?"

You're in denial and I honestly don't think you are ready to listen to what anyone has to say. If "I dread coming home to you" didn't do it, I don't know what will. Even if you lived in a castle with your own wings, it wouldn't make a difference... the tiny box house is just an excuse (in your head).

Also, like, they can't afford separate places or a bigger place. It just doesn't make any sense to interpret this the way OP is choosing to.

It's over.

It's all over but the crying.

It sounds like you both have been in a relationship that hasn't been its best. He acknowledges it and is ending things so that you can both move on. Have some self respect for both yourselves and l e t h i m g o.

Can we let humans be human and have human emotions?? She sounds in denial, which makes me think this is ver go to attitude when conflict arises. For someone to get to the point of saying what he said it's gotta take enduring a lot. It's a normal response if her attitude is anything to go by.

OP... He broke up with you. But he wants to stay friends.

I think that's a bad idea if you're still so in love with him, sounds like he'll string you along.

Get some space until you can say you're over him.

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u are dumped OP and what he says about not losing u in his life, he want to get the same benefits he gets from u but not in a relationship with u means he can date someone else while being civil with u

He broke up with you. End of story. Let it hurt but don't beg and wail for someone to stay.

I live with my girlfriend in a campercan with a living space of 5,6 square meter (602 square feet). If one of us needs some space one of us wil just leave the van and give the other space.

Definitely not for everyone though (we can do our own thing in each others presence and we don't need much privacy from eachother). We did need to get used to it at first, but it al worked out.

I guess my point is that living in a single room with eachother is doable for atleast some people.

I'm sorry. He broke up with you. It'll be ok.

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>I feel like we haven't had a fair chance to let our relationship truly flourish

You've been together for 5 years. I know it's hard to accept, but it's over.

If after 5 years he's developed an annoyance for you and no longer wants to live with you, you two are done. Plus, you deserve to be with someone who is happy to come home to you and who doesn't find your presence to be annoying.

>I feel like hes my soulmate and this whole things is breaking my heart and soul

Your soulmate would want to be with you just as much as you want to be with them. It's going to be painful to move on but you'll get through it.

I hate when people do that

Sounds like he did break up tho?

Sorry OP, I think he fell out of love ..maybe he met someone else.

It's time to move on and just accept the situation.. it's a painful process but you have to go through.

Just let him have space. I would be clear with him that you all are not to sleep around etc. At least make sure you know where you stand and his true intentions. He will either realize he misses you are likes being single. 🙁

I’m sorry OP but this is him breaking up with you “he can’t be in a relationship right now” means he is now single because he has broken up with you. He values you but as a friend, not as a gf. ‘He dreads coming home to you’ he fell out of love, it happens. Just be strong and understand the reality of what actually happened. You can love someone with all your heart but that doesn’t mean they’ll give you the same in return.

This talk is so very related to them wanting another person and keeping you dangling while they pursue them guiltfree because they said they are not in a relationship anymore.

(I have a pair of friends a guy&girl who have done this numerous times when they have a chance with another sexual partner.)

Exact same scenario every time and neither of them can admit it's just a jerk move to keep the ex on hold while sealing the deal with new person.

I never worried until the guy did this to the mother of his kids and the girl started giving advice to me on how healthy relationships works after binging tiktok for a few years and never having a relationship last longer than a few months...

Then I had a sit down and told them they are both to old at 31 & 34 to be doing this to people. (Been happening since we where 17 & 20, atleast 7 times between them, that I know of.)

Best bet, is move yourself somewhere new for your own sanity,(sitting in memory filled granny flat of what used to be is horrible on the mental) lose the guys number and don't let mutual friends know your location, occupation, wage and relationship status until you are happily comfortable to do so in a new relationship/life/situation.

I am an introvert and during my life I always have 1 person that I can spend 24/7 with. Usually my best friend. But other people will drain me