I (29M) have a minor issue with lady(F36) I'm seeing. Curious about what others think.

Submitted by AntiLiquidZero t3_yimigf in relationship_advice

So been dating this woman for about 9 months or so, she's a foreigner from a different place and things have been going decently well up until now. She's told me a few things about her past, that have really concerned me and I have confronted her, talked to her about everything but something doesn't seem right.

A bit of back story, she had another partner, whom she knew for about 3 years. That person gave her an STD after lying to her and now she's super safe sexually which is completely understandable. She also would perform oral sex on this person and learned she wasn't the biggest fan of it. Now she broke it off immediately with this person and moved on from them.

She meets me a few years later, I make it known that I'm talking to multiple women to see what's out there. She's fine with that and we take our time, slowly we realize that we're very compatible and we spend more and more time together. Before we ever have sex, I show her documents that I'm completely STD free and check myself up every 3 months. She's on birth control (patch) and still would like to use a condom for the most part which I'm fine with for the very beginning of our relationship.

Fast forward 9 months, she's been my only sexual partner. She still insists on condom usage and no oral sex. She's on birth control and I show another test showing that I don't have any stds. I'm starting to wonder what the issue is when you would openly have sex with a man who is lying to you about his status and I've been completely trustworthy this entire time, it feels strange to me? And when I asked her a simple question of, "Yo, if I got someone else to perform oral sex for me, would that be an issue?" She got upset about it and asked me basically the same thing. In which I responded, "I'm fine with doing anything sexually that would please you because I'd like to make sure your satisfied. I'm willing to sacrifice for you in that way if necessary because I want to make it work." For the record, though I have other people who would perform this act for me, I didn't say I'd actively go do it. I was just asking a question.

She basically didn't respond in kind and was worried that I would go elsewhere to find satisfaction because of the money and contacts I'm making. I understand we all have preferences in what we like and what we do. I just want to know if I'm crazy for feeling weird that another guy was good enough to receive those actions but not me? Am I not good enough?

And to expand on a previous thing, I'm starting to make more and more money, while meeting people of the same caliber. I'm a 6'7 dude who is hitting the gym more and more, garnering more attention because I'm looking decent. She feels uncomfortable with the attention (I can't help it) because of the hours I'm putting it. I've told her how she can erase all doubt. I give you everything that you require so you don't go looking elsewhere, that's why I never worry about you cheating on me. If you're worried about me cheating, why not just do what I request every now and then just to let me know you consider me better than a previous partner?

I know, a lot to read and through mobile, contextually it doesn't look the best. I apologize for the poor editing. I just wanted to share my thoughts on what could be the issue here because I'm trying to show that I'm capable and dependable. I never thought striving and working hard in the gym could actually add to the stress levels....

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AntiLiquidZero OP t1_iujd174 wrote

Again. I apologize for the poor formatting. I'm on mobile.

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feistyfeister t1_iuje5ws wrote

I highly doubt it has anything to do with being "good enough". Maybe the ex forced her to do it, maybe he was smaller and it was easier? TBH my partner is well endowed and I hate doing it because I have a strong gag reflex and I literally feel like its going to make me throw up and then turns me off from the rest of the experience. It only takes 1 traumatic experience to turn someone off of a sexual activity for a long time if not forever.

The condom thing also just might make her more comfortable. Birth control fails and maybe it just makes her feel safer.

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AntiLiquidZero OP t1_iujir1q wrote

She's told me something similar. I appreciate your response.

And well, I didn't mention that I'm above average in the size department. I know girth can scare certain people, I just thought that doing it every once in awhile to change things up wouldn't be an issue.

And with birth control, I told her I'd even buy plan B just to make sure she felt safe. I just feel weird because someone else who lied to her was able too and I've already said I'd take responsibility for whatever happens. Makes me feel like she doesn't trust me? But I think I'm over thinking it.

Thank you for your time.

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feistyfeister t1_iujl14w wrote

>Created Jun 14, 2009

It's worth a short to revisit the first part later down the line. Or tell her even if she only did it for a minute and then stopped but to not feel like she has to do it the whole time. But the more the subject is forced, the more she may not feel comfortable.

The second part is more complicated. Plan B makes you get your period but even worse which sucks and is also a whole other subject about how it makes some feel. I took it once in high school and my brain went down a rabbit hole of what if I was pregnant and blah blah blah and just made me feel emotionally like shit. It has nothing to do with trust. Worst case scenario - plan B doesn't work (which happens) and then she has to deal with the decision of what to do next which also sucks.

Maybe talk to her about when in the relationship she'd feel comfortable - like after 2 years? after being engaged? married?

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AntiLiquidZero OP t1_iujmmyp wrote

I think you're right. I'll stop trying to force it and see if it can occur naturally. I don't want 28 minutes of it, literally just 15 seconds or so just because it's her. It's reassuring.

As for plan B, I can't disagree with anything you said.

And I'll ask. What the requirements are for the next step. I know I'm ready for anything. Just need to see where she is at.

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Shibui50 t1_iuje79i wrote

Apples and oranges, my friend. Your lady's damage was NOT intellectual, it was primarily Emotional. You are using the wrong approach.

In the case of your SO there was betrayal and significant violation of an understanding and a trust. You don't heal that by emphasizing the physical side of things. She can probably understand readily that you like sex and that you are competent as a lover. Thats not the problem. The problem is what Sex, as an emotional expression and focus of a trusting relationship, means to you.

Her last guy did all the right things too but still betrayed her. You need to approach her on an emotional level to affirm that you are not the last guy and that what you have is validating for you on so many levels. Slowdown all the talk about sex as an act and start emphasizing how expressing your sexual behaviors between the two of you validates the unique nature of what you have.

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AntiLiquidZero OP t1_iujjb92 wrote

I never thought about it this way. Holy shit. This actually hits me different, its not about the sex....let me apologize for coming off in that way. I didn't mean to seem selfish, it's just that I thought with all the work and effort I'm putting in, I was wondering why a person who betrayed her was allowed all of everything but not me? Who has been completely trust worthy.

Right idea, wrong approach. I get it now. Thanks for your response. I'll speak with her again and try to work it out from a different angle.

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Suminori t1_iujourb wrote

It sounds like you knew what you were getting into when you committed to her. She was open with you about her past sexual traumas which explain why she is adamant about safe sex, and also that she simply doesn't like performing oral. What made you think that her mind on either of these subjects would suddenly change? If they were that important to you, you should have been working with her and having regular conversations about what you can do as a partner to possibly make her feel comfortable enough to engage in the kind of sex you want. And if she holds firm, you should respect that and decide if it's a dealbreaker for you. For the record, you should absolutely not be bringing her past relationship into the issue of her not performing oral on you. You don't know the full context for why she did it then and won't do it now, but it doesn't matter, it's her choice. It doesn't mean you're not 'good enough'. She just doesn't want to. If you really want to understand why, then you should ask her and have a serious conversation about it.

Her past trauma is related to a breach of trust. If you saw a future with her and wanted to work towards having her open up to you sexually, you should have been focusing on how to make her feel loved and secure in the ways that she'd be receptive to. Instead, you blatantly asked her how she would feel if you had sex with someone else? Coming from a woman, you blew it. Even if you had no intentions of doing so without her permission, you have now planted a seed of doubt in her mind when she was already feeling insecure. If you thought that it would get you what you wanted, you're wrong, it has likely done the opposite.

As for you bringing up your looks and how you're getting more attention than before, that should have nothing to do with the issues that you and your partner are facing. The fact that you're bringing it up and implying that she should just give you what you want from her since she's worried about you cheating with all the other women you could get is gross.

I'm not trying to paint you as a villain here, I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that you're posting for advice because you care about this woman and want to be with her (although frankly nothing in your post makes it sound like you do), while also having your needs met. I'm going to be blunt, it sounds like you might just be incompatible. But if you want to try and work on it, you need to cut the bullshit of bringing up her past and bringing up other women, and really just focus on building your connection with her. You need to talk to her and figure out what she needs from you in order to feel secure, not just what YOU THINK is going to make her feel secure. And you need to have an honest conversation about sex where you're really trying to understand the limits of what she's comfortable with, and work together to come up with solutions for you feeling dissatisfied.

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AntiLiquidZero OP t1_iujupgd wrote

What a message. What an absolute amazing message. I like brutal and honest messaging because it can serve as a potential wake up call.

I'll get the negative and disagreement out of the way first. Do I think I screwed up? No I do not. I brought up something that was on my mind because the person who was given access to her body, was a liar, a cheat, and untrustworthy. He's poisoned her body with food and a disease, meanwhile I've been more careful and I'm willing to show receipts. Why is a man who is reckless, ridiculous, and unreliable a better man than I am? Why was he given something he hadn't earned, meanwhile I work my ass off to show that I'm the real deal. And this is coming from someone who had one point had no self esteem or value to another person. Now? I can protect, provide, and help out in certain situations because I've worked to be capable. Bringing up other women giving me attention isn't me trying to attack an insecurity, that's a logical fact that happened when she was present with me. I can't stop things like that from happening

With all that being said, as for the rest of what you stated. I can't refute it. You bring up a lot of things I haven't asked myself before and it makes me truly think that the situation isn't about me. It's about her comfort doing certain things even though there is no real risk to her at all. And as far as you saying I don't care about her because it seems that way, she has a disease that makes it extremely hard to have a relationship with her. Let's just say I've taken care of her more than the person who was reckless and tried to kill her with his idiocy.

And it's fine to paint me out to be a villain. I don't take back anything that I said, I asked certain questions because I want to know the truth of why others were given something when they didn't earn it and abused it. While I'm willing to work for it, show that I'm trustworthy, and still not given a real answer. You've shown me a few things I need to look at. I need to be better, more forward thinking, and caring. I appreciate your time.

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Suminori t1_iuk240q wrote

Thanks for not being overly defensive in your reply. I can see that you're someone willing to improve and to hear people out.

I find some of what you're saying kind of alarming. I think you're misguided with your frustrations, which I might add, are valid. You're allowed to be frustrated if you feel that your partner isn't giving you what's important to you. But relationships aren't transactional, it's not a matter of do A,B,C and you will get X,Y,Z back. You are in a relationship with a person, a person with a background that they likely had no control over, a history of decisions that they can no longer change, just a myriad of their own reasons for why they are the way they are. We all have a past and have done things in the past that we might wish we'd done differently. What matters is what you do now and the decisions you make for yourself with the wisdom you have.

You can't just be with someone who has decided they no longer want to do certain things that they may have done for their toxic ex in the past, and take that to mean that you must not be as good as him or she must not love you enough. Who knows, maybe the fact that she's willing to stand up for herself and express that she's uncomfortable with it means that you make her feel way more comfortable and valued than he ever did. Isn't that what matters? Isn't that what makes you the better person? My point is, it's still not about you, and you won't know what it IS about unless you let her open up to you. You don't just get things you want in a relationship because you 'earn' them, you have to do the due diligence of looking for the right person who can give you most of the things you really want in a partner, and then respectfully communicate and compromise with them on the remaining few incompatibilities.

Her ex sounds like a piece of shit, and you sound like you're at least trying to be a good partner. But you also sound like you tend to make everything about yourself. I encourage you to take a step back and see your partner for the independent person she is, and that nothing she does is a reflection of you. At the end of the day, you could be the most caring, trustworthy, reliable partner, and she could just be a shitty one. Or just an incompatible one. And anyway, why are you treating oral like it's some kind of prize that her ex won and you didn't? Shouldn't the prize be the fact that she's now with you and not him? I mean in your own words, you could get oral any day from a number of other women. But here you are trying to make it work with her. I think you'll be amazed by the results if you put your ego aside and experiment with different ways of communicating. Wish you the best.

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