Woman my father cheated with is texting me (24F)

Submitted by mybusiness-noturs t3_yimchd in relationship_advice

About five years ago, it was made apparent that my father had been cheating on my mother for over 10 years. Although this was painful to overhear, I had sort of hoped that my parents would get divorced because I always knew they had not been in love for a long time. I knew they would not because it would shatter my younger sister, who is on the spectrum and struggles socially.

It makes so much sense why my father was so mean during those years. He wasn’t abusive but just mean. Dinner time was never lively, but I always tried to start conversations. Growing up I was so curious about the world, I had so many questions about things like movies and politics, but at the dinner table, it was so quiet. No one really had anything to say. And sometimes my dad would get turned off by my excitement and just shut me down.

Fast forward to today, my parents are still together, and I can tell that my dad is trying very hard to be a good father, but I know he is not in love with my mom. I’m in a serious long-term relationship, and I was very nervous about my boyfriend meeting my parents. His parents are in love, and I can tell they take good care of each other.

I understand that all families are dysfunctional in their own way, but it’s clear to me that I come from a more broken family than his. Recently, the woman whom my dad cheated with texted my phone number, I’m not sure what she wants but this is her second time texting me. She texted me 3 months before asking for my dad’s name, and when I asked who was texting me I got no answer.

This time she asked me if I was Robert, and I asked who she was, and she told me “I am Emily.” Which is the name of the other woman. It’s stressing me out a lot, and my respect for my father is wavering. It makes me feel lonely that I cannot fully be myself with my family. I don’t have anyone to talk this out with, so it’s extra stressful in that sense. I worry that if my boyfriend learns this, then he will be turned off by me and lose respect for my father. It just sucks to have to keep this to myself and deal with the emotional consequences alone. It feels unfair to keep it to myself, especially when my boyfriend can tell that I am feeling down or thinking deeply about something.

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misterk2020 t1_iujddmk wrote

Sorry you are going through this. I went through the same growing up. Unfortunately, I have no advice to give you. My wife despised my Dad when I told her before we were married.

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Pelinal_Lex t1_iujfhnl wrote

I know you're worried about your bf, and how he'll react to this situation. Your best bet in that regard, is to be honest with him about this situation. You have no part to play in your father's mistakes, and your bf will see that

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robintheyounger t1_iujisvd wrote

I mean is your bf the type of person who judges people by their families? Is he from a culture that holds family "behavior" or "appearance" in high regard? If he's not then this feels like your own shame over your father's behavior spilling over into anxiety about what other people will think, when I think most sensible people would see that and go "ah what a shame your father is a jerk, must've sucked for you" and wouldn't use it to judge *you* as a bad person. You're not responsible for your father's bad actions. In fact it seems you condemn those actions quite consistently and seriously. Why not just open up to your boyfriend, since you say it's a "serious long-term relationship." So what if he sees that your parents are dysfunctional? As long as the two of you are treating each other well and it's not affecting your relationship, all it does is give him a little more information about your upbringing and in fact could be helpful in the future for giving you both context to be better communicators.

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Healthy_Charity2015 t1_iujunns wrote

Maybe Emily has something important to share with Robert. Did they have a kid together possibly? Is that kid sick/needs a kidney? I don't know- purely speculating. Tell your Dad his friend Emily is trying to reach out to him. He's an adult, he can decide for himself what he wants to do with that information.

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HandGunslinger t1_iuk7fgb wrote

Well, you're an adult, and you have an adult problem. The thing that you should do is to get your dad alone, and tell him that Emily has started texting you, and that you'd prefer not to be a part of his "other" life, as it makes you uncomfortable.

I suspect that he'll accept that info from you and handle things from his end, and you'll no longer get texts from Emily. If not, simply block her.

However, there needs to come a time when you disclose to your bf the dynamic that exists in your family, and the reasons it exists. I know you're hesitant because of the dynamics of his family, but his family is an ideal to strive for.

As for your father, it's obvious that he was unwilling to live in a "sterile" relationship, and sought love outside the marriage, and no doubt your mom is fed up with the relationship as well. It would probably have been better for all involved had a divorce taken place regardless of a sibling that's on the spectrum. Had that occurred, your mom and dad would now at least be amicable.

I wish you well.

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