I (M30) don't have any desire for sex with my girlfriend of 3 years (f30), but I still have a active sex drive

Submitted by bennysteves t3_yi5n0f in relationship_advice

Does this mean my relationship is over?

She's wonderful and kind and caring but I just don't have that urge to jump into bed with her. I still have the urge with others, though I would never act on it.

We've tried various things, dressing up, new positions etc but I just still find it hard to get excited about sex. What can I do?

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beesorbears t1_iuhad7p wrote

I wouldn’t say it immediately means the relationship is over, but you certainly need to work on this.

If things don’t change, ending the relationship is probably best, otherwise it’s likely you’ll end up in a dead bedroom.

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Electronic_Dress975 t1_iuhavzy wrote

Did you ever have that desire? If so can you think of anything that changed.

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Nini_1993 t1_iuhdc1t wrote

Well, if you want to work on the relationship, maybe try going to a sex therapist.

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Andromeda491 t1_iuhh6kt wrote

3yrs is right around when the cupcake phase ends.

Congratulations, you've now entered the steady, sometimes monotonous phase of "comfortable".

In the comfortable phase, you have to work to keep a relationship from feeling stale in the absence of the novelty of the cupcake phase.

But honestly? You sound like you only "like" your gf, and that doesn't bode well. Even in the comfortable phase, you should still have some semblance of excitement. I mean, you're still getting to have sex with her. The woman you've decided to be with.

My partner and I have been together for 5+ yrs, and we have a little one so there's not a whole lot of room for "super crazy hot sex". Our first three years were full of it. But now? We're tired. Life's crazy. Our child is the ultimate mood killer. But, even when we're just having maintenance sex, we're still happy and excited to be able to still share that sort of physical intimacy (even when it's 10 minutes of silent grinding so we don't wake the sleeping monster). And when we can, we spice shit up. But it takes planning, and effort to break the cycle of maintenance sex.

If you're genuinely feeling zero excitement towards having any physical intimacy with your partner, and you don't feel lucky to have her, then it's time to move on and let her go. Especially if you feel lust for other women but not for the wonderful kind woman who you've grown bored of. It happens, but try your best to be decisive.

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