I (33F) flew very far to visit my best friend (29F) and I feel uncomfortable around her boyfriend (31M)

Submitted by lonelyonaspecialday t3_yieq2m in relationship_advice

She told me her boyfriend was sick and she didn’t know if it was food poisoning or stomach flu because she had the stomach flu a week prior.

I told her I felt uncomfortable being around a sick person as I have very low immune system and a few autoimmune diseases, and have been getting over a three month long recovery of a very long battle with my gallbladder that has resulted in me losing 50 pounds unintentionally.

She got super upset with me, basically told me that she wouldn’t be able to trust me anymore or feel like she could lean on me if I didn’t come out. How she lived out here for a whole year and I didn’t bother to visit once, which I have told her multiple times that I couldn’t afford it, didn’t have the PTO, and her boyfriends mom was dying of cancer and I felt like crap asking her to fund my visit while someone was literally dying.

I ended up feeling super guilty and in fear of losing my best friend of 7 years I decided to risk my health and come out to visit. She asked me if there was anything she could do to make me feel more safe and I told her I would feel more comfortable if I knew I wouldn’t have to be around him and he gets very huggy with me and I would appreciate if he wouldn’t be all up in my face. She said okay she would let him know and although I still felt uncomfortable I felt that my best friend would try to make me comfortable so I put my feelings aside and came out.

She later told me (when I arrived) that she was sorry for saying that and that she was drunk and is now aware she laid into me way too hard, and she has trust issues with anyone in her life because of her upbringing ( I was already aware of this) but I moved past it because I was just happy to see my best friend. The first night I was out there was fine, but the second day her boyfriend said he was feeling better so he wanted to come with us to our outings. I felt uncomfortable but whatever I didn’t want to make a big deal out of it so I went with it. But he kept on trying to hug me and I didn’t want that especially after I told my best friend I wasn’t comfortable with that. I kept repeating myself like can you not and he just thought it was a game but I was like no seriously can you stop. Like it happened so much.

But it also bothered me because like they kept making out like 3 inches from my face. When this happened I would keep walking away but it made me uncomfortable. They do that all time and idk if I’m just being not tolerable of it but it honestly disgusts me. Whispering to each other and I’m not exaggerating - making out for like 5-10 minutes, whispering sweet nothings and just like, cupcaking in front of me… I just feel is so gross.

I’ve never been that type of person to just stop mid conversation and have a full on make out session in front of my friend when I’m with my husband so idk if I’m just being mean or if someone else would be uncomfortable too, but I’m also kinda upset that she got mad at me when I told her I would feel uncomfortable because didn’t want to be around a sick person due to my health, and she told me she would do things to make me feel more comfortable and she didn’t keep her word. I’m also annoyed I flew across the country to see her and she made it a group thing when she’s always the one who talks about how badly she wants it to be “just us” and “girl time”.

Am I being out of line for feeling this way?

3

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

inna_hey t1_iuih67k wrote

>I put my feelings aside

that was your first mistake

12

lonelyonaspecialday OP t1_iuii5yz wrote

I thought I made the right decision… to save our friendship. I don’t mean this in a rude way, was I not supposed to be sympathetic for her feelings?

0

Snozzberrys t1_iuiqgaz wrote

> to save our friendship

What friendship?

You laid down a perfectly reasonable boundary and she responded by emotionally blackmailing you into capitulating to her demands. Then after you compromised and set additional boundaries she trampled all over those.

It doesn't sound like your "friend" respects you very much.

6

lonelyonaspecialday OP t1_iuir1gx wrote

Perhaps she doesn’t realize that’s how I view the situation?

1

inna_hey t1_iuitwav wrote

What is there to be confused about? You have a weakened immune system and are susceptible to illness. It's not rocket science, it's very unlikely that she didn't understand that.

You seem to be bending over backwards to avoid accepting the obvious conclusion that she prioritizes her own feelings over yours

5

lonelyonaspecialday OP t1_iuixulw wrote

You’re right, it is very hard for me to accept because she has done so many things for me, especially pretty recently. So I just have a hard time believing that she just doesn’t care, cause she’s shown me in different ways that she does. She was there for me when my grandma died 3 months ago, even flew out to surprise me and break me out of a depression. She’s given me a place to stay when I was nearly out of a home… I mean I could list off lots of things. She has stated that she does have a hard time understanding what it’s like for me to have my illness…

1

inna_hey t1_iuj7rl2 wrote

People are complicated. They can be caring in one instance and weirdly indifferent or hostile in another.

2

Snozzberrys t1_iuismim wrote

> I told her I felt uncomfortable being around a sick person as I have very low immune system and a few autoimmune diseases, and have been getting over a three month long recovery of a very long battle with my gallbladder

It sounds to me like you explained yourself pretty clearly, your friend probably just doesn't care.

4

inna_hey t1_iuitkuz wrote

The problem is that you weren't sympathetic to your feelings.

2

WeeklyConversation8 t1_iuj01ri wrote

She doesn't care about your health. No good friend would ever ask and manipulate you into putting your health at risk to come visit. The visit could have been rescheduled for after her boyfriend is over whatever he has.

1

samzimms t1_iui8hks wrote

They sound like they are about 15 years old. Maybe distance is the best thing in your friendship.

7

lonelyonaspecialday OP t1_iuifi9v wrote

When you say they sound like they are 15 do you mean how they are all over each other? Or in another sense?

1

kimariesingsMD t1_iuim3dd wrote

Meaning that this does not sound like how 30 year old's should act. Her getting emotionally hysterical when you told her about your feelings regarding your immune issues, the childish making out in front of people, her not doing anything as far as making the hugging stop, etc.

She claims to have trust issues, while she literally can not be trusted to put your best interests first or stay true to her word.

You should have stood up for yourself when nothing was being done about the hugging and addressed it with your "friend" as it was happening. You needed to say "Hey, you promised me that you would make sure that is was not constantly happening to me, with his hugging. You told me that this trip was for us to spend time together, and instead I am feeling like a 3rd wheel. It seems as if you have absolutely no regard for my comfort level or care for my well being."

3

lonelyonaspecialday OP t1_iuimqyl wrote

You’re right. I should have spoken up. I have no reason to feel uncomfortable speaking my feelings to her, but in general I usually stop myself because… well I don’t really know why. I guess I just wanted to make sure that how I was feeling wasn’t out of line. I feel sometimes I get into my head too mjxhz

1

ScreamingSicada t1_iuiixol wrote

As someone with immune issues and many friends who also deal with it, our favorite phrase in this situation is "is you getting a hug worth my death?" Pointing out the legit possible end result that you have to struggle with to someone who is all up in their own happy fluffy feelings is a rough play. But you need to sometimes.

As for the making out, spray bottle. If they want to act like puppies in heat, treat them like it. Or reminding them to save space for Jesus. Or that if they want a threesome, to call your husband. Because without him knowing and giving prior consent, it's cheating.

6

AutoModerator t1_iui82t7 wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. (Includes, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, FDS, MGTOW, etc.) Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, or situations involving minors and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

bweep t1_iui9il2 wrote

You need to realize that you guys are not friends. You are making up any excuse not to go see her, and she is being totally disrespectful to you making out with her boyfriend in front of you.

1

lonelyonaspecialday OP t1_iuiayqj wrote

Making up any excuse? Sorry, but being hospitalized for my gallbladder 7 times in the past 6 months and being a little apprehensive to expose myself to a sick person does not mean I do not care about her. I literally had to claw my way back in to my health, so yeah, I feel I have a right to be a little bit concerned. I still came.

And, yes I do find her cupcaking with him constantly disgusting, I know for a fact that she cares about me too. People are people and we make mistakes and my original question was if I am being out of line for being annoyed at the situation, not if I felt we were friends or not.

2

bweep t1_iuiynvc wrote

I had the same problems with my gallbladder, so I had it removed, and all the problems stopped. Any doctor who wouldn't take out your gallbladder after being hospitalized 7 times is negligent. They should have taken it out after the second time. If this has caused you to lose income you might have a malpractice case.

2

WeeklyConversation8 t1_iuj0jr1 wrote

No kidding. I had gallstones 15 years ago. I was told they can treat it, but the odds are good they would return, so I decided surgery as I didn't want to go through the pain I kept having. It got so much worse the week before the surgery which showed I had made the right choice.

1

lonelyonaspecialday OP t1_iujekod wrote

It’s been a long journey with my gallbladder. The pain started about 6 months ago, and each time I went to the hospital they did blood work, CT scans, MRIs and ultrasounds and it was the 6th doctor that finally listened to me that ordered a HIDA scan and showed I had low ejection fraction. The last time I went was after I was diagnosed, they just said I was having a flare up. I’m supposed to meet with a surgeon this week actually but I’m terrified. I’ve heard scary things about gallbladder removal, like diarrhea all the time and bile reflux

1

bweep t1_iuji1c4 wrote

When I got my gallbladder out, I had a 4cm stone and it was about to rupture. After having it out, I had indigestion for about 3 weeks, and then after that nothing, I can eat whatever I want. If you were to get diarrhea after surgery, there are ways to treat it, like taking a bile salts supplement or just eating less fat in your diet.

Please don't leave yourself in pain because you are afraid of the side effects. I know it's scary, but there are ways around it if it does happen. I know when I had gallbladder attacks, they were comparable in pain to when I was in labor. You shouldn't have to endure that.

1

The_Duchess_of_Dork t1_iuiip34 wrote

It makes sense you wouldn’t visit her while dealing with all that! Illness takes so much out of us (on top of time to heal, overwhelming emotions to deal with, need to be safe, less $ available and PTO, etc.) Some young people really don’t understand this (in my experience as being someone who has health issues while I was young).

You should talk to her about how you went out there and A. the making out with her bf/not giving you dedicated time and B. how she didn’t help with the boundary you set of him not hugging you etc!

She hasn’t taken your illness seriously at any turn it seems.

1