TL;DR: my (f24) boyfriend (m26) has only exclusively dated women of a certain ethnicity (same as me). I feel unsettled by this but unsure if I am overthinking it.

My (f24) boyfriend (m26) seems to have only dated women of a certain ethnicity. We've been together for about 2 years. It crossed my mind before but I had just ignored it.

He has made reference to some of my features before and how much he likes them but has never brought up any race-centred dirty talk or anything in the bedroom.

I did jokingly ask him once if he did have a thing for said ethnicity, which he denied and didn't have much to say about it even when I pushed the line of enquiry.

It's very much on my mind at the moment and I worry I'm just a "conquest"?

Just wanted to know if my thoughts and feelings of being unsettled are misplaced? Maybe I have too much time on my hands for overthinking?

EDIT: Thank you all for your comments regarding this, you're right and I just needed to hear impartial reassurance that there's nothing to worry about :)). Unsure why the concept of a preference hadn't crossed my mind lmao but thank you!

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AutoModerator t1_iujcsj7 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 7:39 PM

#399,148

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WildlyUninteresting t1_iujd958 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 7:42 PM

#399,320

It’s 2 years. If you are happy in the relationship then you are overthinking it.

Maybe you are trying to self sabotage?

Sattalyte t1_iujdnk7 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 7:45 PM

#399,492

He clearly has a preference for your ethnicity, but if he's been with you for 2 years, it sounds like it's working out.

Its OK to have a preference.

juicyth10 t1_iujf40r wrote on October 31, 2022 at 7:54 PM

#400,060

Just a preference, I have mine to

Shibui50 t1_iujfhlf wrote on October 31, 2022 at 7:57 PM

#400,198

Eh...you DO know what a "fetish" is. right? Having a preference for a particular ethnic, religious or cultural group is NOT a fetish, and we would be a pretty staid species if everybody liked the same things and had the same preferences. Despite what the media would lead us to believe there is a lot more going on in what we find attractive, enjoyable and satisfying than just our thoughts and opinions.

I would not even try to guess what feeds your SO preferences but I DO know that you seem to report that there is more discomfort about this issue from your side than from his. Some people casn go their whole lives and never find a compatible partner. Unless there is something identifiably toxic going on, why do you savor the fact that you may have what a lot of people only wish they could have. FWIW.

r3cklessiguana OP t1_iujgg6e wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:03 PM

#400,604

Replying to Shibui50 (#400,198)

Silly question, but what would differentiate between a fetish and preference?

Pinwurm t1_iujgubc wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:06 PM

#400,746

Sometimes it's fetishization.

Sometimes its just an interesting happen-stance.

You've been together for 2 years, and you haven't experienced any race-related objectification from him.

It's more than likely the features he likes about you are unique to you. If he says you have "beautiful ____", it's probably because you have beautiful ____.
It doesn't have to mean anything more than that.

Even if he has some unconscious racial preference in dating, there's a huge line between that and abject fetishization. You might have some of those same unconscious preferences.

Overall, this sounds like this is an area in which you're experiencing some insecurities. I understand where those feelings may be coming from and you should know they're normal.

I would recommend two things. The first is to objectively look at your relationship and ask a few questions. Are you happy? Do you communicate healthily? Do your goals and values align? Can you trust each other?

I have a feeling you're going to answer those questions positively.

The next is to talk to him a little more about how you're feeling. Make sure he understands. More to the point, you may have to tell him what you need. He may not know.
If you need reassurances, tell him that.
If there's a compliment he uses that doesn't sit right with you, tell him about it and maybe offer an alternative.

You'll figure this out, hopefully.

Shibui50 t1_iujhvql wrote on October 31, 2022 at 8:13 PM

#401,085

Replying to r3cklessiguana (#400,604)

Excellent question. A preference is a tendency and is not causal. A fetish is defined as a form of sexual desire wherein sexual expression (and often times gratification) is inordinately linked to a person, place or thing. Thats not what the OP is describing.

Affectionate_Good345 t1_iujpaei wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:04 PM

#404,031

Preference =/= fetish

[deleted] t1_iujqru0 wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:15 PM

#404,723

[removed]

UnsightlyMeat t1_iujt23i wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:31 PM

#405,692

Do you feel like he treats you like a fetish? Does he say racist, weird things?

Everyone has a type. If he’s not being weird about it then I think it’s fine.

schux99 t1_iujuo0t wrote on October 31, 2022 at 9:43 PM

#406,359

I only date people of a particular ethnicity (same ethnicity I am).

Now I'm less fussy when it comes to just sex but anything that is actually dating that could have a future the guy must be this particular ethnicity. For me it's not a fetish it's about having the same culture to raise children in.

Now this is just me and I can't speak for your bf but only you can decide if you can live with those thoughts if you don't trust his answer.