boyfriend shares a birthday with my mom

Submitted by lalasbakery t3_yindz8 in relationship_advice

My boyfriend and I have been dating for a little bit over a year. His birthday is Dec 31st and my mom's is Jan 1st. My family is really big on spending Christmas Eve/Day and New Years Eve/Day together. I don’t really care about New Years itself, but it has always been important to me to spend it with my mom and I have never gone out to spend it with friends.

Last year we had been dating for a year and I spent the 31st with my bf but went home around 9/10pm to my family. My mom was a little bit upset by this and I could tell my boyfriend was also a little upset I left early but ultimately they both understood.

This year our friends are planning a camping trip from Dec 28th - Jan 1st and my bf really wants to go. I suggested we go the 28th and come back the 31st at night so I can go to my family. He said that kind of defeats the purpose of a New Years trip to which I explained I don’t care to spend New Years with friends, I care about his and my mom’s birthdays.

He agreed to what I suggested but he seemed bummed about it. What can I do?

ETA We are both 23, dating for about a year. It is a committed relationship. I live with my parents because Mexico.

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samzimms t1_iujhpbi wrote

I think this depends on your age and the seriouness of your relationship. If you are young, still live at home, etc, then I can see prioritizing your mom's birthday.

But as you get older and enter into serious, committed relationships, then that will usually take priority. In that case, I would go on the trip and see your mom on the evening of Jan 1 or even the next day.

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peakpenguins t1_iujhsjc wrote

Tough situation, but to be honest I feel like your mom is a little old to be needing to celebrate on her birthday knowing that you're a young adult with your own life and it's a major holiday. Maybe in the future you could do something with your mom a few days earlier/later? Or I guess alternate years with your mom/boyfriend if it really comes to that.

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lalasbakery OP t1_iujpfyw wrote

To me the fact that it's a holiday doesn't matter much. Spending it with friends is not something that I want to do. I place more importance on their birthdays and since my entire extended family gets together on the 31st they take the opportunity to celebrate my mom's birthday. I am also very close to my mom, we have a really good relationship.

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peakpenguins t1_iujqg7d wrote

I get it, but you also now have a boyfriend who may put importance on his birthday and the holiday, so you have to figure out how to juggle things in a way that doesn't make him feel less important.

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LittleSpice1 t1_iujmhbg wrote

I don’t see why you need to be there the night of your moms birthday? If the trip is until the first then you’ll still get home at some point on her birthday and can celebrate with her?

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lalasbakery OP t1_iujq4bf wrote

My entire extended family gets together the night of the 31st and it's like the celebration for my mom's birthday as well.

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LittleSpice1 t1_iuk20yj wrote

Does this happen for anyone else’s birthday too or just your moms?

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lalasbakery OP t1_iuk28xd wrote

We try to have everyone get together for other people's birthdays but since my mom's is on a holiday mostly everyone has the day off. It's just easier for everyone to make it on hers.

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Mishy162 t1_iuk55vd wrote

Bit much to expect your bf to forgo his birthday celebrations so your Mum can effectively have 2 days of celebration. You are an adult now, time to gain some independence. If you can't ever see yourself making your bf's birthday a priority over your Mum's, then just let him go. It's not fair of you to make it so that he will never be able to celebrate his birthday properly with yourself, his friends or even his family on his actual birthday.

Edit to add: he doesn't share a birthday with your Mum, her birthday is Jan 1st. So it's entirely reasonable that you don't see her at all on Dec 31.

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FreckledAndGinger t1_iujk9as wrote

I mean... he said he agreed but is bummed out about it. There's nothing more to do, or say about it, year after year.
He's allowed to be upset, but ultimately the routine will become second nature for him to get used to.

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LittleSpice1 t1_iujow84 wrote

But should it though? If they end up getting married, he becomes her immediate family and should have reasonable priority over her parents. I believe setting boundaries with parents/in-laws is better done sooner than later.

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lalasbakery OP t1_iujuy04 wrote

And I agree with you. I don't want him to feel like his birthday comes second ever, eventually it will come first. For now I want them to feel equally as important to me and I am having trouble juggling them in a way that makes them both feel good. It's bad enough they have to share with a major holiday.

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LittleSpice1 t1_iuk3p29 wrote

I also share a birthday with my FIL. Somehow this has never been an issue. Your boyfriend and your mom even have different birthdays. I don’t think you’re making him feel like both of their birthdays have the same priority because you leave his birthday early to start celebrating your mom’s birthday, which hasn’t even started by this point.

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lalasbakery OP t1_iujqeny wrote

Yikes, you're right. That's not something I want him to have to do though. Maybe I should compromise a little more and say we can go back really early on the 1st like another commenter said.

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quirkypelican t1_iujnx4y wrote

I understand that family comes first and everything, however do you realize that your boyfriend is continually sacrificing HIS birthday night on your behalf? He’s explaining to his friends why you need to make an early exit, having to justify and excuse you. IMO you should really give him the night of the 31st under the condition that first thing in the morning is your moms day as it’s kinda unfair she gets the entire day on the 1st but he always had to cut his plans short for you on the 31st.

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[deleted] t1_iujvxzt wrote

[deleted]

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lalasbakery OP t1_iujx5n9 wrote

I thought your comment was a little out of line and after seeing your second comment calling me a "16 year old spoiled brat rich white girl" unprovoked I can see you're really not here to give any helpful advise. I am 23, work a full time job, and am Mexican. You are ridiculous.

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lets_be_best_friends t1_iuk5z5m wrote

Girl, your boyfriend is right. Gotta leave the nest at some point.

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