Submitted by overwhelmed393 t3_126z5o7 in relationship_advice
Long story short, my fiancé is amazing and kind and caring, usually. But the last few weeks he hasn’t been as understanding and caring as usual. I don’t feel as comfortable sharing with him when I am not happy with something he did because his reactions are more “you always just criticize me” and less “let’s talk about it and fix it”.
I don’t criticize him all the time, but like everybody in a healthy relationship, I share when something bothers me before it becomes a big problem.
But now onto the actual issue, as I don’t share when something bothers me as much anymore, I internalize it and it comes out in the wrong moments. I know that’s wrong and I’m trying to work on it.
So this evening I talked to him about me stopping e cigarettes completely from yesterday to today because I feel my lungs suffering and read articles about the effect it can have on the lungs and so on. He dismissed it and said all those numbers in the articles are meaningless because it’s just what doctors feel and a long time study needs to be done first to determine if it’s actually true, and that the numbers of teenagers being in hospitals with lung issues who smoke e cigarettes rising is not a fact but just a feeling of doctors. I tried to argue against it but noticed it doesn’t make sense and won’t get me anywhere, so when he then said “but you can stop either way”, I told him “or just wait for the long time study to be done and then stop apparently” in a sort of bitchy tone, he responded to that by walking away and telling me to fuck myself.
He has never ever said those words to me before, ever. He left upstairs and messaged me a few minutes later saying he’s sorry he spoke to me that way and that he was upset by me but it was wrong either way. I let it go because, our wedding is tomorrow!
Now an hour ago I sit and do my toe nails for the wedding, he is showering our dog in the bathroom and suddenly yells my name. I tell back asking what is up, no response. He yells my name again, I yell back asking what’s up again, no response. At that point I could have gotten up and went to him but it would have ruined my nails and I thought if it is urgent he could just answer. He yelled three more times, I yelled back three more times and then he stopped and a few minutes later I went to him.
He then tells me if I don’t think I should go to him when he yells for me. I told him I answered but he said he didn’t hear it. Which I don’t believe at all because I heard him very loud and because he has before yelled for me and not responded when I asked what’s up. Anyways, the issue is what he then said: “I want you to come when I yell your name in the future” Just like that, nothing else just in a very serious tone that sentence. Like what am I, your servant?
I walked away speechless and he came to me a minute later telling me “since you are mad anyways I will tell you something else, and then goes on to say “me saying f You wasn’t nice but ai apologized and what you did was the reason why I even said that at all so don’t you think you should have apologized?” I told him I don’t think those two things are comparable but he said that they are and walked off. While he talked to me it just seemed so condescending the way he spoke to me.
I don’t know him this way at all, I don’t know if it is stress because we are supposed to get married in 12 hours or if this is just who ihr is and he hid it well. I’m confused and don’t feel comfortable marrying this man tomorrow. Am I just overreacting and getting cold feet? I think it’s trivial and nothing to cancel a wedding for but at the same time I was in a very abusive relationship before and I am terrified and therefor very sensible and afraid to get into a abusive relationship again.
Can someone tell me that I’m just overreacting and everything is fine and I can marry him tomorrow, that I only have cold feet and that it’s normal?