I won't go into full detail simply because it's a long and painful story regarding a very abusive relationship with my now ex-boyfriend.

To cut things short and sweet - my ex-boyfriend didn't care about me or my emotions. He made it very clear when he said: "I don't have the time to worry about you too." So I did what I thought I could do and turned to our friends.

They were my outlet for three months because I couldn't talk to my partner about how him treating me badly was breaking me apart.

Now please, understand that my relationship wasn't pretty, it was one sided. My ex did not spend time with me, he did not show me any affection, he always got angry with me when I showed the slightest bit of care towards him, the only time he showed me any care or affection, was when he wanted — sex. I was too blinded by love to see an issue with this.

But here is where it gets ugly.

My ex-boyfriend and I have a fight about the few things I've mentioned above; it leads to me being in the wrong and inevitably, he chooses the solution for the problem is to break up. I was still in the Honeymoon-Phase, I was so madly in love with this guy and I was dumb enough to think that he was 'The One'.

Please don't judge me for this,

I have Borderline Personality Disorder - and growing up, lying was a survival tactic to avoid getting beaten to a pulp by my Stepfather and to get my mother's sympathy and sometimes her love.

I lied to keep him in a relationship with me. I spun a story to explain why I was, according to him, needy, over emotional, sensitive, clingy, childish and stupid.

It worked but not for long.

My ex treated me like he resented me, I was told that if I had problems, I had to talk to my friends about it, he didn't have the time for me. Yeah that's what he said. I couldn't talk to my partner about anything. I had to reach out to my friends - and I understand that, that's what friends are for. But I didn't want to build my friendship or base it off of my heartbreaking relationship. So eventually I started to keep it all in.

He treated me like he hated me. Acting friendly with everyone else but God forbid I open my mouth, then his whole mood changed.

On Christmas day I reached out to him, I asked him to give me hope, to just give me some clarity because in a sense, we were taking some sort of break. That's what he called it. And when I asked that, he said to me:

"We're done."

It just, broke me. I snapped. And I couldn't take it anymore. My heart was broken, my spirit too. So I locked myself in a room with a loaded gun. I messaged my friends a final time, and sent him a final message too, apologizing for being so problematic.

He didn't try to stop me.
Before putting my phone down to go through with suicide, I glanced over our Discord group, he was in there with everyone else playing games. Like his partner wasn't about to —

My one friend called my mother after failing to reach me and she managed to stop me. We cried and she held me until I fell asleep.

The next morning — everything fell apart.

The lie eventually unraveled and it ended up in me being forced into a video-call with my ex and my two friends, they didn't even ask if I was ok.

It was all about getting the truth out of me that morning.

I was forced to show my actual prescribed antidepressants, mood-stabilizers and medicine for my pre-diabetes.

I was forced to show medical bills, prescriptions and eventually I had to bring my mother into the call as well (I'm 22 just for clarification - I live with my parents because I'm still in college.) They did everything to pull the truth out of me, threats and words that to this day cut me deep.

I eventually took a breath after the abuse and threats got to the point where I had to throw up off camera, and I told them the truth. They were hurt, and I don't blame them for being hurt. I was wrong to lie to my friends and my 'partner' but I wasn't given a single chance to explain myself, to tell them the full extent of the story or the reason.

Because after I admitted to it, they left the call.
They Kicked and Banned me from our Discord group and cut all ties with me. No communication, nothing. They've been friends with my ex for longer than they've been friends with me, so in my eyes, it was a matter of choosing a side. And they did. Without hearing the other side's story.

I've learned from my mistake and I've since become better as a person. My life has slowly been moving forward - but my heart still hurts. My ex best friend said she'd reach out to me after 'healing' but it's been 4 months, I've tried reaching out to her. Trying to get some sort of response. She never replied to my messages.

They've moved on, they've written me off and forgot about me - completely. And I wish I wasn't still stuck or hurt by what has happened.

My ex-boyfriend still reaches out to me, offering friendship. Let me explain.

After the whole incident, a week goes by and my parents take me to a museum to help me get my mind off of what has happened. During that time, my ex (M 27) reaches out to me (F 22) asking that I go to the bathroom so he can call me. I was hopeful that maybe he wanted to hear me out, try to understand my side of the story or maybe tell me my friends wanted to do the same.

I go into a bathroom stall and call him, he asks me to turn on my video so he can see my face. I hesitated, my eyes were swollen and red from crying so I didn't feel 'camera ready' but I did it.

"Why did you do it?" I tried to reply but he cut me off saying "It doesn't matter, everyone is mad at you and I don't care anymore." It shook me to my core and made me feel so, so sick. I looked at the camera as if I were looking into his eyes.

"Lift up your shirt." He said.

I was so confused, I was so out of it. I froze and stood still in front of the camera. "I want to use you. I don't feel anything for you, nothing. So don't expect this to be some sort of act of me wanting you back." I didn't know what to say, in a way I felt like I deserved this. This was what my value was brought down to. I still loved him. I was still so in love with him. I don't know why, and I ask that you don't judge me for it. He spun a few more words that manipulated me into doing it. I guess in my heart I truly hoped that he still did love or care for me — truth is, I don't think he ever did. Even when we were dating.

I lowered my shirt and told him I had to go. So I ended the call and went back to my parents, trying to stifle my tears. He sent me another message, "I hope you know the others won't be as forgiving as I am." I put my phone away and pretended like I was okay. I tried my best to enjoy the experience with my family. But when I got home I just collapsed in bed trying my best to not scream.

My ex continued to reach out to me, offering to be my friend, offering to be there. I was still stupid enough to believe that, that was him caring. But it soon proved to be the very opposite.

He started asking me sexually themed questions.

"Would you video-call me if you have sex with someone else?"

"Would you send me pictures and videos while you are having sex?"

"Would you be okay if I had sex with someone else?"

His questions got more extreme and gross which I don't wish to share.

He wanted to be friends with benefits. I knew my feelings were deeper than just lust. And I knew he was taking advantage of them all. I knew I'd be hindering myself of healing and recovering from everything. And I'd go deeper into the rest of this part but I'm honestly so tired of telling this story over and over again.

As a way to avoid further manipulation, I told him we should just be friends.

It's been, like I said, 4 months since everything happened. I still haven't heard from my old friends but my ex-boyfriend still looms. Sometimes still asking the same questions. Assuring me he doesn't love me in the process. Making sure I know that I was the one in the wrong.

I want to conclude this story with the reasons behind why my ex-boyfriend couldn't stand to be with me.

I asked for his time, which he never gave.
I tried to support him, which he never wanted.
I told him I loved him, which he rarely said back.
I talked about my feelings, which he never cared for.
I talked about my problems, which he never had time for.
I asked him for affection, which he never gave.

I'm leaving this in your hands. Advice or words of encouragement, opinions and everything else would be so much appreciated.

And that's it - so as I've been branded, I thank you for your time.

The, emotional, stupid, childish, needy, sensitive, clingy, insane, mental, ex-girlfriend.