Hi All,

I'm in need of an outsider's perspective and for advice on an unexpected situation.

I've been in a long distance relationship with a man overseas for a little over a year now. We travel back and forth for sometimes a month at a time, FaceTime multiple times every day when we're apart, text and send photos of our day-to-day happenings. We're really happy together, have the same type of humor, and even work in the same industry (one that tends to alienate us from our friends and family - so it's adds a very special level of connection). When we first became an exclusive couple, we agreed to be monogamous and make things work.

He's always been really open with me. When his phone goes off, he has shown me plenty of times who it is or has even said "Martin" or whatever the name of who is calling him is. Unprompted, too. He was extremely transparent with me. Also, he mainly talked to his sister, his male friends, and had a few female friends that were married or have kids. One or two were single, but I always like that he was able to maintain long term friendships with women in a non-romantic way. A lot of guys I know can't do that.

Anyway, I'm currently visiting him. I've been here for about a week and nothing has seemed out of the ordinary until this morning. He was showing me photos on his computer in his of something he's interested in purchasing. It was in a browser window and peeking out from behind that window was the inbox of a messaging app. I could tell it wasn't Slack, iMessage, Discord, etc. I couldn't identify it, but it was clearly a messaging inbox. There were usernames like "rosiebaby" and "miagirl" (more complex, of course) that I knew weren't names of his friends. I also saw names in there that I recognized as his friends and that were clearly saved in his contacts as "FirstName LastName."

Now, I wasn't trying to snoop, but it clearly shows the latest message sent underneath each username. As messaging apps do. I saw that the first message to rosiebaby was sent this morning and said "goodnight beb" (different timezone).... i also saw one that said "I miss you" further down to another user (although it's possible this was from another user. idk. I was taking fast glances).

I asked him very directly what was up. What was that app and who are those people he was talking to. He said it's Skype and those are people he doesn't know that are just chatting to each other, and he minimized the window. I said, "That was Skype? Hmm okay. Makes sense. But why are you messaging back these girls that you don't know...?" and he said "it's not me, some of these are group chats."

Anyway, to fast forward a bit... he tried to assure me that they weren't his messages for some time, but eventually admitted that they were him but that it was nothing. I said 'ok well if it's nothing than what do you guys even talk about? can you show me?' and he showed me, VERY quickly, two of the message threads (meanwhile he was trying to show me the ones between his contacts and i was like no no no those are obviously not the threads i'm curious about). They were kind of just general getting-to-know each other chats. One was a response from him saying like, "I don't like coffee" and her asking if he likes vodka. Another was like "i just returned from the store" or something. Nothing sexual except for the "i miss you" and the "beb" etc.... then again, he only showed me 2 message threads (I would guesstimate that I saw 7 or 8 other questionable threads down the list) and only the last few messages... minimizing the window when he would turn to me to talk. The "goodnight beb" message was sent just a few hours prior while I was in bed in the room next to his office. He said they were nothing but just a way to occupy his time with meaningless conversation while he worked. He said he's never even exchanged numbers or IG handles with anyone, and has no idea where some of them even live. When I asked, he assured me that he never made any attempt to meet these people or swap pics.

I was obviously distraught. He kept trying to explain to me that it's nothing and it's meaningless. I said 'if it's, in fact, nothing.... can you show me the conversation so that i can understand?" ...No. And we went back and forth like this for awhile. I was like, "I can get past this if it's *actually* nothing... and if it's actually nothing, than you should have no issue showing me... because it's nothing!" and he was like no no you just have to trust me. I said "You broke my trust already today (for the first time) and you have evidence right there that can rebuild my trust in an instant, yet you're choosing to not show me. You have an app right there that can alleviate me from all of these doubts and assumptions rushing into my mind, and you choose not to. You say they're 'meaningless' but your actions are telling me that these messages are full of meaning. You don't want to show me because I'll be upset, and yet you're telling me they're nothing to be upset over."

I'm not a dramatic person, and I understand people make mistakes and/or do things that I don't 100% understand. I'm willing to be like okay he just needed to have meaningless conversation, but the fact that he won't show me these 'meaningless' (his word) conversations is incredibly alarming to me. This is really out of character for him, and I don't know what to think. I'm not sure if I should book a ticket home and just re-evaluate from there, or try to see if I can actually trust him and allow him to keep his dignity without combing through personal messages. I told him that that kind of blind trust might be doable between friends, but not in a committed relationship. Anyway, I feel crazy.

Can you please help me by providing some outsider perspective? Am I just not familiar with the random workings of Skype (wow even this question feels dumb) and is it possible that I have nothing to worry about? Please help me try to put the pieces of my mind back together. Thank you.

Edit: Just for context, he's been pushing for even more commitment in our relationship for some time. He's what I would imagine the antithesis of a fuckboy is. He wants us to move in together and possibly even start a family some day. He's been single for the better part of the last decade and had a few casual relationships, but was in the market to be in a serious committed relationship with someone he felt sure of. He said dating just to not be alone is exhausting and a waste of time and energy. Just thought that might broaden his part in this a bit.