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reluctantdonkey t1_jegg03c wrote

You didn't just offer her sex, you offered her companionship (going out and doing stuff, joking, talking daily, etc.

No, it sounds like she's in no way capable of a deep relationship and doesn't want that right now, but it doesn't look like she "just used you for sex." (Source: Been there, seen that.)

It sounds to me like she did enjoy speding time with you, but she also didn't want to lead you on into thinking it was more than what sounds like an actual-friends with benefits kind of thing, so she did the right thing and broke it off when she noticed that you were starting to get that impression. You should be grateful for that, because, believe me, it sucks when these situations linger on with ambiguity.

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[deleted] t1_jegg7ma wrote

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reluctantdonkey t1_jegmgoq wrote

I mean-- she is a party girl coking it up on the weekends... no judgement on her AT ALL for living the wild life right now, but also her life-phase is totally incompatible with a relationship, and it sounds like this was pretty apparent from day one.

The worst thing that could possibly happen is to get into a relationship with someone in a phase of life that's entirely incompatible with one.

In future, it would be best to ask, from the very beginning and well before having sex, "Hey, I am dating with the intention of finding a longer-term relationship. Is that also what you are looking for?"

If the answer is anything other than, "Yes, absolutely!," do not engage.

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[deleted] t1_jegmlx8 wrote

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moomoodle t1_jegyftx wrote

From your comments, I think you need to go to therapy. The way you think about girls is so strange, it's like they aren't even people to you. All your comments are me, me, me. Oh I feel wronged because I had these expectations for this girl who clearly told me not to have these kinds of expectations, she used me she's to blame. If this is how you talk in real life, I can see why girls aren't gonna want to date you.

Edit: I don't mean this comment to be harsh, but more of a warning. I feel that your train of thought is hurtful towards yourself, the girls you want to date, and your goals.

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reluctantdonkey t1_jeh1fyp wrote

The vast majority of people (men and women) who go through that stage come out the other end and settle down. (I mean, if they don't, they are even LESS in a life stage appropriate for a relationship.)

Trust me, you should be well capable of finding someone not currently IN IT.

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MacerationMacy t1_jeh2lqz wrote

Of course you are. You’re assuming one bad experience (for you) is universal

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momisacat t1_jegkg3l wrote

You weren't honest with her (yourself?) about what you were looking for.

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[deleted] t1_jegkkpd wrote

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momisacat t1_jegkyd9 wrote

That happens. It doesn't mean there is anything wrong with you or that she used you. Learn from this and move on. Think about what you really want and be upfront about it with the next person. That's all any of us can do.

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[deleted] t1_jegl1np wrote

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momisacat t1_jeglsyl wrote

Do you think her intention was to use you for sex? Your OP reads as of that's what you believe.

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[deleted] t1_jeglz5v wrote

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momisacat t1_jegnr0w wrote

Do you frequently devalue yourself? Do you often think you aren't worthy?

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[deleted] t1_jego3yy wrote

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momisacat t1_jegprjh wrote

You really need to put some thought into that. It's impossible to have a healthy relationship while feeling like you are lesser. It's a great way to end up clinging to someone you aren't compatible with or even staying with an abuser.

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reluctantdonkey t1_jeh21nq wrote

Or.. it's possible that it's not an UNDER assessment of worth and an OVER assessment of sexual prowess?

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Kooky_Protection_334 t1_jeh3rc1 wrote

This is cliché but now often the saying "it's not you it's me" is actually true. It's so easy to think there is something wrong with you when things don't go right but really there usually isn't anything wrong with you and it truly is the other person. In your case she liked to party and do coke (you really want to be with someone who uses coke??). She never told you she wanted something serious and you said you weren't sure. So really no one lied to anyone here. She probably got the feeling that you were starting to get interested in more (nothig wrong with that) and realized she just wasn't. So nothing you did except for possibly wanting more.

I lost a few really good friendships and I still don't know why. And of course my mind blames myself first because if this something I did maybe I can fix it. We don't have control over how other feel or think. We can't make them want to be our friend or lover. We can do everything right amd still not be their person.

Sounds like you have some self esteem issues/anxiety. If you have access to therapy that might be a good palce to start. I've been there done that and therapy was definitely very helpful

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