I, 23M ended a perfectly good relationship with my gf who's 22F for what feels like a mental problem and fits a pattern i desperately want to break out of....

Submitted by ThrowRAselfdestruct t3_127c1zb in relationship_advice

hey, i understand this isnt the typical post here, but ive been in about 6 relationships that all never lasted longer than 2 months. i always mess things up by either saying something rude, going one joke too far, being too forward or being too distant or i just randomly get nervous like things are going too well and break it off immediately. my last relationship i broke up with a perfectly good pretty nice kind hearted girl for absolutely no reason, i just woke up one morning felt like shit and just told her i didnt like her anymore and to move on in one simple text and blocked her. later recieved a voicemail from her saying "i used her" (which i didnt use her for anything). anyways i struggle with bipolar depression and i grew up in a really bad family dynamic, my mother resented my father as he "forced her to quit her job to raise us" so she would always talk about how she threw her life away to rot at home to raise my sister and i for us to turn out like shit, and that marrying my father was the worst mistake of her life. ive never once seen my parents hug in my entire life. the arguments were daily, loud, and often violent. i dont know, im very up and down emotionally, happy one minute wishing i would die the next minute, and the worst part is i always instantly regret the breakup i thought was a good thing in the moment, and feel shitty about the lonliness again when its 1 AM and im drinking/smoking to numb my brain from the regrets and desired death and have nobody to talk to and nobody that gives a damn (i have very few friends). but i dont know i feel like i turn cold on people fast, like i dont trust a good relationship ever, and the thought of marriage scares me because its the commitment to someone you think you love in the moment only to grow to resent eachother over time and spit venom at eachother every day like my parents did. i know its irrational since im a completely different person than they are, but i guess im deathly afraid of ending up as miserable as they are, and having a kid who grows up the same way i did. i guess my question is, how do i learn to be more comfortable in a relationship and how do i enjoy the present moments more without paranoia?

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Here_To_Read_ t1_jedkl91 wrote

This is beyond reddit. You need a therapist. Your problems (in this capacity, especially involving mental illness and abuse) cannot and should not be solved by strangers on the internet, but by trained medical professionals.

Edit: one word

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ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jedl8xt wrote

Replying to Here_To_Read_ (#2,518,432)

i went to a therapist once back when i was a junior in high school, she was "supposedly" one of the best but after 4 sessions she cut me off, refunded my parents and said she felt guilty taking they're money as it wasn't working at all and a complete waste of time. i was emotionally dulled, in that state of depression where life felt synthetic, nothing brought me any sort of happiness or pleasure, had no energy at all and i felt like i was merely existing in a world where everyone else was doing (if that makes sense). now its worse because its 100% all bottled up, that terrible frontal headache you get where you're about to cry i have that every minute of every day but nobody can tell.

Edit: i also have been prescribed antidepressants several times but i fear becoming dependent on pills to live life. theres got to be a way through right?

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Here_To_Read_ t1_jedlxf2 wrote

Replying to ThrowRAselfdestruct (#2,518,579)

That headache you're talking about... is it metaphorical?

Therapists are "the best" on paper. You habe to chose who works with you and what way works for you. Not every therapist has the same approach, not every therapist has the same energy with you. Nothing works after 4 sessions, that therapist can't be "the best" if she gives up on patients that quickly. You were a piece of work for her, she wasn't patient enough to really work with you. Heck my therapy lasted almost 3 years, some people go to weekly or biweekly sessions for 10, 20 years. You go until you see improvement and then some. But you can't be walking around with bipolar and not being medically overlooked somehow. You're on a path of self destruction.

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ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jedmg2r wrote

Replying to Here_To_Read_ (#2,518,718)

its actuallt literal although im unsure what its called or if its even a common thing for people. and yeah manic episodes have lead to some of the worst mistakes of my life, getting kicked out of high school getting criminally charged and put on probation, unfiltered rudeness leading to offending people loss of long time friendships, having embellished stories about myself to somehow seek sympathy from others while really only making myself look worse, and coming across crazily and making people around me uncomfortable on several occasions. its just too hard to stay consistently good. but i have to believe that, as long as i have my own volition, i have 100% control of my actions so, if i choose the right courses of action i can get out of this hole im in, right? but ive been trying and failing for far too long

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Here_To_Read_ t1_jedn58c wrote

Replying to ThrowRAselfdestruct (#2,518,817)

Because you're trying alone and unmedicated and with a brain chemistry like this, that doesn't work. You're trying to tell yourself you have to be 100% in control but you don't and you aren't. Your parents were shitty, the school system failed you, the legal system failed you, you're failing yourself. That's alot of people involved for one single person to be able to handle the outcome, don't you think?

You really need to get checked out. A headache before crying is not normal... after a long crying session maybe/sometimes but before?

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ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jedno0e wrote

Replying to Here_To_Read_ (#2,518,977)

my parents, they also raised me with the ideals of a core belief that “mood is a choice”. which may be true but no matter how much they insulted me, if I even showed the slightest reaction of anger I would be mocked for it “ohhh did those words hurt you” “are you gonna cry little baby” and my personal favorite “quit being such a pantsy ass bitch and shut up”. in a perfect world of theres people never cry and only the weak are sensitive.

That made it hard for me when i first started experiencing real depression around 7th grade. just one day i guess i just lost all ability to enjoy life. nothing in my life brought me any sort of pleasure joy or satisfaction, I felt like I was just purely existing as the world turned. then go home and get berated for throwing a pity party feeling sorry for myself and being a weak lazy unmotivated loser. Well enough time went on and after my father trying to beat me into submission and consistent beration from my mother... i guess thats where i lost nearly all respect for them and the relationship truly crumbled in my eyes.

but fuck what do i know, im just out here throwing a pity party feeling sorry for myself right? if only i could just "quit being a pantsy ass bitch get my shit together and quit being the victim" i could function normally

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ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jedoyer wrote

i know this is likely unrelated but i grew up with (and still have) a super rare esophagus disease called eosiniphilic esophagidas, which affects my digestion of foods and causes me to be unable to eat any gluten, dairy, wheat, eggs, nuts, soy, pork, fish, and some fruits and vegetables, with an anaphylaxis to egg. when i eat the foods im allergic too i cant digest them and it slowly burns a hole in my esophagus and raises my red blood cell counts. the vast majority of people who have this disease are on feeding tubes. i am not. because when i was 7 i went off all food for an entire year and had only formula drinks, then would go to a hospital once every 3 months, been given knockout gas (everytime had fear of never waking up lots of anxiety attacks), get an upper endoscopy, and then they would test around 3-5 foods on me to see if they would make me tick, and if i didnt react to them i would get to add them to my diet. this lasted until i was 15.

i have had a couple of near death experiences with anaphylactic attacks, even one where my throat was completely closed shut. childhood was pretty alienating with being so different to everyone around me but i guess we made it work.

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ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jedpde8 wrote

Replying to Here_To_Read_ (#2,518,977)

yes perhaps ive been screwed over in several different areas of life by lots of different people and institutions. but im not entirely sure what the acknowledgement of this really accomplishes. free will free judgement free thinking and logical decision making seems to work flawlessly for everyone else around me and i know im not a very good person, often being rude, mean, selfish, and self destructive, but i have to be capable of choosing the right actions without getting sterilized with antidepressents right???

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Here_To_Read_ t1_jedq7r5 wrote

Replying to ThrowRAselfdestruct (#2,519,476)

Bro your parents didn't even have it all together. Otherwise they wouldn't have projected their being overwhelmed by literally torturing you throughout your childhood. Nobody has it together. We all just pretend. And all the people you see that seem to have it all together are struggling on another part of their life that you don't see because they don't let you.

I am not a doctor or therapist. I have watched too much Grey's anatomie and new amsterdam probably but your medical history of probable malnutrition might also play a role in all of this. This is a rat's tail with no end unless you find help.

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ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jeds6ic wrote

Replying to Here_To_Read_ (#2,519,649)

//This is a rat's tail with no end unless you find help.

i dont know where to start. i tried to pick up religion (i was baptized but we never practiced) and it didn't really change anything just couldnt commit to or believe in it. i did therapy once, didnt work. i tried to work out, as thats what people are always saying, and i became quickly bored of it and disinterested (also turned off by the overall gym environment, seemed like a mosh pit of narcacissts obsessed with their appearances and edgy buff guys on steroids and pre workouts.) i tried guided meditation youtube videos and found no peace from it, i tried to keep a notebook to write feelings of anxiety in to calm nerves and it hasnt been a net positive, and of course i tried relationships hoping there was some girl out there willing to accept me for the depressed degenerate i am and try to work with me to improve my personality and life; and i did find several of them but none worked out! last thing i want to do is go on antidepressants and endure the sideffects of those, become dependent on them for day to day life and become sterilized by them and lose creativity and free thoughts in day to day life, so i am comig before you humbled and humiliated to say to you, please tell me how i can help myself.

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Here_To_Read_ t1_jedu7ow wrote

Replying to ThrowRAselfdestruct (#2,520,107)

I honestly don't know, because you lack persistence. You try things once and then meh, didn't work. Which is fine, I get it, I've been there way too many times.

Thing is, you're 23, you said your depressions started at about 7 years old. That's 16 years. After all this time, and let me be frank here, your brain is fucked up beyond holistic approach. Holistic as in meditation, sport, nutrition, thinking happy thoughts.

Thing about depression is, what starts as a mental symptome can become a physical symptome. Depression literally fries synapses and transmitters in your brain that transmit serotonin and dopamine and they cannot be restored without medication, I'm sorry to break it to you.

Antidepressants rebuild these connections in your brain. Yes there are antidepressants that will make you foggy, make you lose your sex drive, make you gain weight etc. But there are also alot that don't. Alot that actually help you in combination with therapy. It's the only advice I can give you, I'm sorry. I know it's hard. I've been there. I also refused antidepressants for the very longest time and thought I just had to get myself together, but that just didn't work. But in the end, what works for one doesn't have to for someone else. But you need to seek any form of medical help. And it takes time to even find the right GP nowadays, no matter where you're from. I know how fucked up the American medial system is. I'm German, ours is not better, you have to wait for up to a year to see a specialist or find a therapy spot, it's just free. The British health system is a joke too. I know it's hard, I know it's alot. But wanting to better yourself and get better is already the first step. You can't do this all by yourself.

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ProfessionalTax6386 t1_jedxsua wrote

Sounds kind of like borderline personality disorder. You should see a psychiatrist.

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ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jeeq3jx wrote

Replying to Here_To_Read_ (#2,520,567)

i'm in midwestern america, live in a suburb of likely its shittiest town. i had no idea that depression actually caused problems with your brain, thought it just messed with your conscious approach to the day and thought process, however you're right as every bone and organ in our bodies can be damaged. alcohol is something i originally tried for this issue and it was a trememdous failure. sure in the present moment i felt calmed and worry free, but i quickly became dependent on it, where after only drinking 3 days straight i tried to stop for a week and couldnt even carry out simple tasks lucidly, as the desire to drink was causing my hands to shake and mind to spin. seems like you're right about the "giving up on things too easily", reflecting, it does look like an actual pattern. only problem is, even as you may be correct, im still terribly scared of antidepressents. its like im giving in to the helplessness and deciding that im too much of a lost cause for a personal fix so i need to use (side effect prone, creativity altering, energy reducing) pills that, god for bid i do not want to become dependent on, and one day try to go off them and experience withdrawal.

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