ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jedpde8 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 7:22 AM

Reply to comment by Here_To_Read_ in I, 23M ended a perfectly good relationship with my gf who's 22F for what feels like a mental problem and fits a pattern i desperately want to break out of.... by ThrowRAselfdestruct

yes perhaps ive been screwed over in several different areas of life by lots of different people and institutions. but im not entirely sure what the acknowledgement of this really accomplishes. free will free judgement free thinking and logical decision making seems to work flawlessly for everyone else around me and i know im not a very good person, often being rude, mean, selfish, and self destructive, but i have to be capable of choosing the right actions without getting sterilized with antidepressents right???

Here_To_Read_ t1_jedq7r5 wrote on March 31, 2023 at 7:34 AM

Bro your parents didn't even have it all together. Otherwise they wouldn't have projected their being overwhelmed by literally torturing you throughout your childhood. Nobody has it together. We all just pretend. And all the people you see that seem to have it all together are struggling on another part of their life that you don't see because they don't let you.

I am not a doctor or therapist. I have watched too much Grey's anatomie and new amsterdam probably but your medical history of probable malnutrition might also play a role in all of this. This is a rat's tail with no end unless you find help.

ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jeds6ic wrote on March 31, 2023 at 8:03 AM

//This is a rat's tail with no end unless you find help.

i dont know where to start. i tried to pick up religion (i was baptized but we never practiced) and it didn't really change anything just couldnt commit to or believe in it. i did therapy once, didnt work. i tried to work out, as thats what people are always saying, and i became quickly bored of it and disinterested (also turned off by the overall gym environment, seemed like a mosh pit of narcacissts obsessed with their appearances and edgy buff guys on steroids and pre workouts.) i tried guided meditation youtube videos and found no peace from it, i tried to keep a notebook to write feelings of anxiety in to calm nerves and it hasnt been a net positive, and of course i tried relationships hoping there was some girl out there willing to accept me for the depressed degenerate i am and try to work with me to improve my personality and life; and i did find several of them but none worked out! last thing i want to do is go on antidepressants and endure the sideffects of those, become dependent on them for day to day life and become sterilized by them and lose creativity and free thoughts in day to day life, so i am comig before you humbled and humiliated to say to you, please tell me how i can help myself.

Here_To_Read_ t1_jedu7ow wrote on March 31, 2023 at 8:33 AM

I honestly don't know, because you lack persistence. You try things once and then meh, didn't work. Which is fine, I get it, I've been there way too many times.

Thing is, you're 23, you said your depressions started at about 7 years old. That's 16 years. After all this time, and let me be frank here, your brain is fucked up beyond holistic approach. Holistic as in meditation, sport, nutrition, thinking happy thoughts.

Thing about depression is, what starts as a mental symptome can become a physical symptome. Depression literally fries synapses and transmitters in your brain that transmit serotonin and dopamine and they cannot be restored without medication, I'm sorry to break it to you.

Antidepressants rebuild these connections in your brain. Yes there are antidepressants that will make you foggy, make you lose your sex drive, make you gain weight etc. But there are also alot that don't. Alot that actually help you in combination with therapy. It's the only advice I can give you, I'm sorry. I know it's hard. I've been there. I also refused antidepressants for the very longest time and thought I just had to get myself together, but that just didn't work. But in the end, what works for one doesn't have to for someone else. But you need to seek any form of medical help. And it takes time to even find the right GP nowadays, no matter where you're from. I know how fucked up the American medial system is. I'm German, ours is not better, you have to wait for up to a year to see a specialist or find a therapy spot, it's just free. The British health system is a joke too. I know it's hard, I know it's alot. But wanting to better yourself and get better is already the first step. You can't do this all by yourself.

ThrowRAselfdestruct OP t1_jeeq3jx wrote on March 31, 2023 at 2:04 PM

i'm in midwestern america, live in a suburb of likely its shittiest town. i had no idea that depression actually caused problems with your brain, thought it just messed with your conscious approach to the day and thought process, however you're right as every bone and organ in our bodies can be damaged. alcohol is something i originally tried for this issue and it was a trememdous failure. sure in the present moment i felt calmed and worry free, but i quickly became dependent on it, where after only drinking 3 days straight i tried to stop for a week and couldnt even carry out simple tasks lucidly, as the desire to drink was causing my hands to shake and mind to spin. seems like you're right about the "giving up on things too easily", reflecting, it does look like an actual pattern. only problem is, even as you may be correct, im still terribly scared of antidepressents. its like im giving in to the helplessness and deciding that im too much of a lost cause for a personal fix so i need to use (side effect prone, creativity altering, energy reducing) pills that, god for bid i do not want to become dependent on, and one day try to go off them and experience withdrawal.