I (F23) am getting irritated with my bf (M26) because he is not saving money for our future

Submitted by Emotional-Exchange45 t3_127ssj5 in relationship_advice

I am not really sure what to do. I love him, we have fun together and our relationship is good otherwise. We've been together for 3.5 years, we've been living together for 2 years. We've talked about marriage, kids, and having a home together in the future, we both appear to be on the same page about what we want. However, all of these things take money and he is absolutely terrible at saving money. He likes to buy expensive things, like $300 and up. On guns, vehicles, boating stuff. Generally things that he doesn't need in my eyes. Yesterday he just asked me if he could buy a $13,000 truck when he already has 3 other cars. I told him that he doesn't need the truck and he said that he is going to get it anyway.

He seems to go back in forth between wanting to be focused and do better and then impulsively buying expensive things.

He makes twice as much as I do but I have still managed to put away more money into savings than him over the past year. I tried to work with him by buying a safe that I only know the combo to and told him that he can save money in there. He gets irritated when I ask him to put away money so over the past year there is probably $100 in there from him.

I've also asked him if I could set up a spreadsheet for him so he could keep track of his money and he said that it would be too much work for him.

I also proposed the idea that for every $300 he puts towards the truck he puts away $150 for a wedding ring or honeymoon. I texted him this last evening and he did not acknowledge it.

I've told him multiple times that I am wanting to get married, he says that he needs to save up for a ring but I haven't seen any effort towards that. I've also told him that if he wants to be able to support our family in the future that he needs to do better. He agreed in the moment, but again I'm frustrated with his sudden decision to buy a truck a few weeks later. I've told him to not waste my time.

In his defense, he does pay for the majority of our rent. I still pay a portion of rent, but I pay for all of the groceries and internet bill so I feel that it is close to even by the end of the month. Also, it is his money, neither of us want me to control the way he spends but at this point it seems that I am putting more effort into saving than he is.

I'm not sure what the next move should be. I plan on talking to him about it this evening but I'm not even sure where to start. I worry he will get defensive. I'm out of ideas to help him or compromise.

I'm not sure if he is actually struggling on focusing or if deep down he feels that he is not ready to get married despite what he says.

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YourRAResource t1_jefnkek wrote

What exactly is his financial situation? Does he have nothing in savings and is legitimately financially irresponsible, or is this a situation where he does put money into savings, it's a solid amount overall, but he also treats himself because he has the means to do so? Does he have any debt?

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Emotional-Exchange45 OP t1_jefo9b8 wrote

Replying to YourRAResource (#2,540,926)

He puts away enough money to cover expenses for the month but that is about it. He does not have any savings unless he is in the process of saving up for something he wants to buy. When we first started dating he had debt but he just payed it off a couple months ago

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YourRAResource t1_jefpjc3 wrote

Replying to Emotional-Exchange45 (#2,541,140)

Thanks. That's important context because how does he logically expect to purchase a home if he basically breaks even every month?

When you have the conversation, just be honest and direct. Tell him you're concerned that he's not considering the future at all, and ask him how he expects to be able to achieve future goals if he continues to spend all of his money. Have you two discussed a timeline for achieving these things?

You're right in that it's his money and you can't control how he uses it. But his decisions impact you from a relationship perspective. If he's happy to live as is forever, that's his choice. But you'd need to decide if you're good with that. Good luck.

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Emotional-Exchange45 OP t1_jefqgpt wrote

Replying to YourRAResource (#2,541,544)

Yes those are probably things I should have included in the post. He said that he would be okay with marrying me when we get a new place to live. A couple months ago we just moved in to a new place which is why I'm now so anxious about it. We both agreed to have kids and a home within the next 5-6 years.

Thank you

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LhasaApsoSmile t1_jefr5oy wrote

He doesn't get it. He doesn't care. Sit him down and explain that this is a deal breaker for you.

I've had that problem too. Set up his pay check for direct deposit to two accounts: a debit/checking and a savings. You can set up the savings that he can see it but not touch it or not see it at all.

He proposed buying another truck for $13,000. That's buys a very nice diamond ring.

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