I [34M] struggle helping my fiancé [32F] process traumatic cases she gets at work.

Submitted by BicycleConsistent681 t3_1280ddw in relationship_advice

So I have been with my fiancé for 4 years now and we are very happy together. However, ever since i’ve known her, she has worked in the same line of work where she has to deal with some pretty horrific stuff.

The issue is, she legally isn’t allowed to talk about any of the details of any of the cases she gets to anyone. She has expressed to me multiple times that this is a issue for her and it bottles up for her and she has no one to vent to about it.

When something extreme does come up she does tell me what she can but it’s, understandably, missing key details. I can tell by the way she tells me that it has shook her pretty bad.

My issue is (and the reason i’m asking for advice) that when i try to comfort her it usually ends in a “forget it, you don’t understand” kind of situation and then is cold and distant with me for the rest of the day + with the added anxiety and second hand trauma she has from whatever she is working on.

She is usually shaken for quite a while (at least for while she is working on said case) and it really effects every part of her day. I hate seeing her like this and I feel the “advice” i’m giving her really doesn’t help and, if anything, makes thing worse.

I would really appreciate some advice on how to handle this situation when this kind of thing comes up and what I can do to help her because whatever i’m doing right now is not working at all.

TL;DR - Fiancé’s work really effects her mental health and she legally can’t talk to me about it. When I give my opinion/try to help I always end up making things much worse.

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_jegwhqj wrote

She should be legally able to discuss these things with her supervisor - including how to maintain the professional boundary when discussing them with the supervisor.

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BicycleConsistent681 OP t1_jegy7s3 wrote

So when you she comes to me, venting about what’s she’s working on, you want me to tell her to talk to her supervisor about it instead? Yeah i can’t imagine that going down too well tbh and dosent seem very emotionally supportive.

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UnsightlyFuzz t1_jegzdg8 wrote

Well, what is her line of work and what is this secondarily traumatizing content? (without any identifying information)

When I worked as a therapist, this was considered appropriate and healthy. Similarly, lawyers can discuss their cases - within certain guidelines - with professional peers. Nobody is supposed to keep all this bottled up.

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