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Please keep in mind that this condition will never go away or "get better." It could improve through therapy or medication, but it still could have an impact on your mental health. Also, keep in mind that it could get worse, especially if kids get in the picture. I've been with my wife for 14 years and she has an anxiety disorder that results in pretty extreme emotions and anger on occasion. It has gotten better after about 2 years of therapy, but the 14 years of constantly worrying if she's going to have a bad day have definitely taken a toll on my mental health and our relationship. I'm not saying you should immediately dump her, but you sound just like I did 14 years ago and it has been a very, very difficult road. Do I love my wife? Yes, but more like a friend that I live with than a wife I should be mentally/emotionally attracted to.

I don't expect it to go away, but I know people who have managed to work through it and get to a point where they still love each other and are romantically invested despite the disorder, one of them being related to my girlfriend actually. I've been working with her directly to try to figure this out but I'm reaching out to reddit for any advice that can help the situation rn

My advice: as soon as things seem pretty difficult for you I would do couples counseling. And maybe start putting that seed out there now about how couples counseling is a good thing. For the first 10 years in my marriage my wife thought therapy was just for crazy people and would get really angry if I suggested it, and to get couples counseling just meant we had a failed marriage. Since she started regular therapy her life has definitely changed for the better. It's important that you are both in it to improve your relationship.

That's the issue though is when she gets these off days she's not very willing to work together on it, and when she has her on days I'm afraid bringing it up will cause her to spiral back into being off again as very little issues can easily do that to her

Dude- I know exactly what you're talking about. Like you can't tell her things because you can't say it on bad days but you're worried it will totally tank good days. That's just not normal bro. After you get to be an old dude like me you'll see how much this kind of relationship affects your stress level. Also, you'll find yourself just bottling up your feelings because you don't feel safe sharing them.

Exactly. Like she's not a bad person overall, her on days are more like her normal self and she's sweet, caring, very loving, silly, and fun. It's just when she gets those off days she's like a completely different person. Not sweet or lovey at all and idk how to handle it.

Totally. My wife is a great person and a great mother. She's incredibly caring and people really like her. But those people also don't live with her and see the huge emotions. On her bad days it's like an emotional tornado of anger and tears where you feel like literally anything you say will get attacked. These are all just things to consider. You're only 18 so you've got a long way to go before you actually consider marrying someone (I hope), and in all honesty you'll probably date other people before you finally do settle down (or just decide not to get married). Just don't feel like you can't leave the relationship because of the disorder. It doesn't make you a bad person or a jerk in any way. She got dealt some bad cards, but it doesn't mean you have to deal with those consequences.

I don't feel like I can't leave the relationship, I easily can if I just let it end. On her off days, she immediately goes to wanting to break up so she doesn't have to handle it. It's only after I talk to her and help her work through it where she backpedals on wanting to end it. The only reason I do is because I don't want to leave her, I love her more than anything and I've been in many relationships, some toxic and some great, but I've never loved anyone the way I do her. She's perfect and I want to figure this out

That's a major difference with my situation and yours. My wife desperately loves me and really doesn't want our marriage to end. I don't think we would have made it this far if she sometimes said she wanted out. Best of luck bro. You've got the best years of your life in front of you, so make the best of them.

Thanks, and I think the difference has to do with other aspects of her personality too. She's scared of conflict at all and doesn't like talking about her feelings in any way, so when she has an off day she immediately tries to find a way out since she'd rather not handle it at that moment

Oh yeah, way different. My wife is going to tell me why she's pissed off and also tell me about everyone else who pissed her off during the day. 😆

Lucky man 😭 I'd be so much happier in ur situation cuz I don't mind the mood swings, the thing that gets to me is going back and forth on wanting to be with me

Yeah that sucks bro. Well honestly, they both suck, but yours probably sucks more. At least you've got an easy "out" if you decide to go that route.

I don't want an easy out tho bro, I want an easy in. We fell inove with a burning passion and our relationship is so great it shouldn't have to suffer these doubts she has on her days off..

I know, but years down the road if you get worn down you'll have an easy out. For now maybe just try to get her in couples counseling or just take it day by day.

Yeah..

She's not a bad person overall... her normal self is sweet, caring, very loving, silly, and fun.

Rip, my experience is that most people with BPD ("pwBPD") are good and caring individuals, as long as you don't draw so close, for so long, that you start triggering their two fears. Their problem is not being BAD but, rather, being UNSTABLE.

Indeed, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, resulting in unstable behavior. This is why, outside the USA, most countries call this disorder "emotionally unstable personality disorder" (EUPD).

It therefore is common for a pwBPD to exhibit the warmth, spontaneity, vulnerability, and purity of expressions that otherwise are seen only on the faces of young children. This is one reason why pwBPD usually are very easy to fall in love with. It thus is not surprising that 3 of the world's most beloved women -- Marilyn Monroe, Judy Garland, and Princess Diana -- all had full-blown BPD if their biographers are correct.

My GF has BPD. She will go back and forth between loving me and seemingly not loving me.

My experience, Rip, is that a pwBPD usually is capable of loving you very intensely -- but it is the immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a primitive defense called "black-white thinking."

Like a young child, a pwBPD never had an opportunity to learn the emotional skills needed to handle two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time. This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind.

With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

It's like she changes into a different person without anything triggering it.

Rip, yes, that is the way it seems to me too. It seems that there is no apparent trigger for her mood flip. But there actually is a very real trigger for each event. This trigger can be hard to see because that whatever you do will be hurtful to an untreated pwBPD much of the time.

For example, a comment or action that pleases her on one day may greatly offend her when repeated a week later. Moreover, she often will perceive you as being hurtful when you DO something and hurtful when you DON'T do it. In this way, you often are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

This conundrum is due to the position of her two great fears -- abandonment and engulfment -- at opposite ends of the very same spectrum. This means you often find yourself in a lose/lose situation because, as you back away from one fear to avoid triggering it, you will start triggering the fear at the other end of that same spectrum.

Your predicament, Rip, is that the solution to calming her abandonment fear (drawing close and being intimate) is the very action that triggers her engulfment fear. Likewise, the solution to calming her engulfment fear (moving back away to give her breathing space) is the very action that triggers her abandonment fear.

Consequently, as you move close to comfort her and assure her of your love, you eventually will start triggering her engulfment fear, making her feel like she's being suffocated and controlled by you. A pwBPD usually craves intimacy like nearly all other adults -- but she cannot tolerate it for very long.

Because she has a weak sense of self-identity, she easily becomes very enmeshed in your strong personality during sustained periods of closeness and intimacy. This is why her sense of personal boundaries is so weak that she has difficulty seeing where HER feelings and problems stop and YOURS begin. Yet, as you back away to give her breathing space, you often will find that you've started triggering her abandonment fear.

In my 15 years of experience with my BPD exW, I found that there is no midpoints solution (between "too close" and "too far away") where you can safely stand to avoid triggering those two fears. Until a pwBPD learns how to better regulate her own emotions and tame her two fears, that Goldilocks position will not exist. This is why a relationship with an untreated pwBPD typically is characterized by a repeating cycle of push-you-away and pull-you-back.

Indeed, even if you are sitting perfectly still and not saying a word, a pwBPD who is experiencing hurtful feelings will project those feelings onto you. Her subconscious does this to protect her fragile ego from seeing too much of reality -- and to externalize the pain, getting it outside her body.

Because that projection occurs entirely at the subconscious level, she will consciously be convinced that the painful feeling or hurtful thought is coming from you. This is why an untreated pwBPD usually BELIEVES the false accusations coming out of her mouth (at the moment she is saying them).

Hence, as long as you remain in a relationship with an untreated pwBPD, you often will find yourself hurting her -- i.e., triggering her engulfment fear as you draw near, triggering her abandonment fear as you draw back, and triggering her anger even when you are sitting still and saying absolutely nothing. At least, this has been my experience, Rip.

>Please keep in mind that this condition will never go away or "get better."

This is false. With therapy and treatment, people with BPD can shed the diagnosis.