I’d like to get some perspective on my relationship in general, but also this situation. Admittedly, I can be a bit of a pushover, and I’m often a bit anxious, so sometimes seeing the full picture clearly can be difficult. A little background on us: we met in college, and I was smitten, partly because of his ‘fuck the world’ attitude. It was very refreshing as a person with social anxiety to realize that he didn’t care what anyone outside our relationship thought. He’s a very, very caring partner, friend, and family member, but doesn’t always have the bandwidth to care much about others outside of these immediate groups.

One thing that had us disagreeing today is that he had to fly back to his home state to take care of his mom - the doctor found a mass on her neck, and she was scheduled to have surgery to have it investigated. Obviously, this is serious, and while in his hometown, he forgot to run payroll for our employees. Thankfully, we learned yesterday that it is not a tumor but is likely inflammation. Most of our employees live paycheck to paycheck in some way, and receiving their pay on time is important because they pay rent on the same/next day. I expressed that this would be difficult for people, and that we should try to put some measure in place when he gets back to prevent this from happening again. His reaction was along the lines of, “Well, fuck them - they can quit if they want.” I said that I thought this was unfair, and he became quiet and said that we’d need to have a long talk when he gets back. I understand he would prefer that I always take his side, because that’s what he does for me. On the other hand, I tend to be very measured - I like to consider everyone’s perspectives and debate the merit of each argument, but I feel like this frustrates him and makes him feel like I’m not trying to empathize with him.

He tends to default to anger as his coping mechanism, but anger is something that I have a lot of trouble tolerating. I feel like this has made it harder for me to love him, and see him the way that I did when we were dating. My dad raised me by himself, and was a very even-tempered parent, where my mom would come into the picture on occasion and would be volatile and quick to get angry and would just yell and yell at me and my dad. Because of this, in situations where I get stressed, my brain tends to shut down, and I get very quiet. This creates a situation where if we get into an ‘argument,’ it’s mostly just me being yelled at, with me struggling to respond. I have my own issues as well; I can be a bit self-absorbed as I have a panic disorder and depression, and sometimes a lot of my focus can end up being on keeping myself afloat. This is something I work on, but is definitely a source of frustration for my husband. I see his anger about once a month, sometimes a bit more, and he’s made the point that being a person that has anger in them does not make you a bad person. I agree with this sentiment, but at the same time, I feel like each time I see him get angry, it causes me to love him less. It’s a terrible feeling, and I’m not sure how to move forward at this point.

Any advice would be appreciated.