My[21M] gf[20F] of 1y says she feels insecure when I'm talking to other girls or people.

Submitted by LetsHaveFun_ok t3_11dir9h in relationship_advice

Hey everyone! This is a throwaway as she knows my main account... Before anyone says "Ok, just talk about it?" I tried... She says she doesn't want to and doesn't feel like she ever wants to talk about...

Background: I'm a first year in uni. She's second year. Today was the first day we spent together on University and me being the "make friends with everyone" guy, I spoke to quite a few people and went off on tangents about topics. Around midday she started acting strange, closed off and completely shut down for like 10 min straight during a break between classes.

I've been asking what has her looking down all day and she said she doesn't want to talk about it..

When I got home after uni, I told her that I'll stop asking if she's ok.. she then asked how I felt during the day.. and I explained my concerns and the off sense that I was troubling her or weighing her down, as she'd smile and look excited seeing family picking her up or friends at campus.

To my surprise she says she felt very insecure everytime I was talking to other girls or people (she made the distinction of girls and people). She thinks she's being stupid and felt to embarrassed to tell me sooner. She explained it that she would start making up scenarios where I'd leave her, ditch her and go on living life, without her, with the people I talked to and go out with the girls I talk to. She would see herself as a "Stand in" until I meet the "perfect people".

I'm not sure what to do with all this... She had some problems with depression and cutting earlier in life... I saw her pinching herself painfully in the drive home... I understand whatever she's feeling and thinking is painful... She mentioned that she can't stop thinking of me as perfect and better in everyway and that I'll get tired of her and leave her any day now...

Obviously that isn't going to happen... I simply don't know what to do... I don't have a lot of dating experience and have never encountered someone who's so negative towards themselves... I know I care way to much and want to do everything in my power to be supportive and see her succeed...

Things have been rough recently, in both our personal lives... But I've never seen this kind of behaviour before...

Thanks to any and all advice, if anyone needs any further details, please do specify and I'll drop them in their respective comments.

TLDR: GF feels insecure when I talk to people at university that it makes her shut down and have invading thoughts such as that I'll abandon her, and refuses to say more on the topic.

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LhasaApsoSmile t1_ja8uye6 wrote

This is not your problem. This is hers. She needs to get into counseling. As you're at uni, there have to be free/cheap services on campus.

The only thing you can do is make sure that when you reach out to people is that you include her in the intro and the conversation. If something comes up in the conversation that she could comment on, direct the conversation towards her. And, is a walk accross campus a party or a chance for some one on one time with your gf?

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LetsHaveFun_ok OP t1_ja8vh69 wrote

Replying to [deleted] (#2,065,944)

But it wasn't like this last year? Like we've gone out to pubs and events and things have been fine.

And her personal live hasn't taken a complete toll.. Should I focus on giving her space? Should we take a break so she could work on herself? Is it possible to stay together while she works on herself?

I feel held captive in the sense that saying anything that sounds like "leaving" would make everything worse.

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LetsHaveFun_ok OP t1_ja8w5c8 wrote

Replying to LhasaApsoSmile (#2,065,964)

I always try to introduce her and steer the convo her way. She told me after she doesn't appreciate that because she isn't a people's person..

When I thought it was safe to do so, I did ask if she wants to consider the counseling.. She said she doesn't know, but I'll talk to her, maybe go with her.

I'll try to spend more time with her on campus 1 on 1.

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LhasaApsoSmile t1_ja900av wrote

Replying to LetsHaveFun_ok (#2,066,290)

Remember, you are not responsible for all this. She is not a people person, you are. I am not a people person but if I have to I can talk to anyone. This tooks decades.

The jealousy, ideation, and self harm are all signs that she needs someone to talk to. A lot of therapy is not "fixing you". Most of it is figuring out how you can be you in the world. How to adapt. There is another part where the therapist does call you out and point out that your opinion or thoughts about a situation are probably off and you need to re-orient your thinking. They usually do it in a nice and non-threatening way.

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