Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

UsuallyWrite2 t1_jad5qah wrote

Therapy?

Why are you saying negative things about yourself ? Are you fishing for compliments and reassurance or…?

Stop talking negatively about yourself.

2

AutoModerator t1_jad4q7j wrote

Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

  • We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

  • Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

  • ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

  • No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

  • All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

  • What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

1

rocksthosesocks t1_jadabi7 wrote

You can share your vulnerabilities without being a mess that you expect him to clean up.

Stop saying negative things about yourself. It you’re struggling with low self esteem and you want his support, tell him. But say what you mean and mean what you say

1

TreeNo6766 t1_jadaqr0 wrote

How do I know if I’m a mess or not?

2

rocksthosesocks t1_jadd1mt wrote

That’s a good question. I’ve struggled with this sort of thing too personally by the way but I’ve gotten better about it.

When I’m feeling very bad, I feel like a mess. Like I don’t know where to even start untangling what’s going on in my head and my heart. And it feels terrible and I need help. This is the hardest part. But at least for me, this is the part where I have to clean myself up a little. Cleaning myself up a little means asking what’s really wrong, doing some basic self care (making sure I’ve eaten, slept, gotten sunlight, hydrated, showered, etc…).

Once I’ve done the basic stuff, then I ask my partner for help.

The last time this happened went a little like this, actually. I ended up telling him basically “I feel awful and I need help”. That’s being clean about it. I’m telling him what I need from him and he knows what to expect.

Being messy about it is saying for example, “I’m X and Y and I’m sorry I’m like that.” But being cleaner about it is if you can say “I’m feeling like im X and Y right now”

As an example it may feel like a really small distinction, but it makes it more clear what you’re looking for from him, and if this is coming from the idea that he believes things you say at face value, it would make a night and day difference

As far as untangling the situation where it looks like he believes the bad things you’ve said about yourself in the past, you might want to have a conversation with him where you basically say “hey I sometimes struggle with insecurities. I often phrase it as just saying bad things about myself, but I know they’re not really true or they’re exaggerated. I’ll try to do better about being clear when I’m looking for support, but it would mean the world to me if you met me in the middle and helped give me some encouragement and a reality check if I’m feeling bad about myself”

I hope my essay was understandable

2

TreeNo6766 t1_jaeahjy wrote

Thank you so much for your wonderful response!

1

Mysterious_Bee8811 t1_jadd4ge wrote

I'm confused. .

>I’ve noticed that if I [f30] say anything negative about myself to my long term partner [m30] when I’m in a rough place, he actually goes in his head like “oh she’s right, she IS blah blah”.

So why are you lying to him about your insecurities? Why are you trying to get him to say "no no, you're not.."?

> If I say something about myself, he won’t say “oh that’s not true”,

Why would he belittle your feelings or reject them? And why would you want that?

>. This makes me feel that I can’t share worries or vulnerabilities with him.

How are you phrasing your worries or vulnerabilities?

>This does trigger my abandonment issues, and I don’t know what to do

You have issues. Seek therapy.

> I’m being ignored

How is he ignoring you? What triggered him to start ignoring you?

>And it’s triggering me.

And what happens when you're "triggered"?

1