Anyone have success dialing back a relationship? (28 F 30 M)

Submitted by abnormalaf t3_11e9cen in relationship_advice

We got into a relationship about 2 months ago after casually dating for a couple of months. I felt like it was too soon, but I didn't want to hurt him since he was all in. Now that the dust has settled, I'm learning new things about him that I'm not 100% sure about. I'd like to slow down back to more of a talking phase and continue to get to know him without the pressure of having to perform girlfriend duties while being unsure. I also don't feel like I'm ready for a committed relationship despite initially having agreed to one. I don't want to lose him by breaking up, so I'd like to find the best way to communicate this so that he may agree.

In this post, I'm specifically looking for advice about how to go about this in the best way possible. I'm clarifying so I don't get 10 comments harping on moving too fast and so on. It's too late.. so now I want to know how to fix it. Thanks reddit!

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AITA-TA-unwanted t1_jacuawu wrote

You don't. Just have the chat and if he leaves he leaves. Be prepared to be nothing more than a friends with benefits

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abnormalaf OP t1_jacutmy wrote

You're right, he might leave. But I don't want to have sex or be FWB. That's part of what I no longer want to feel pressured to do. I really feel like I want to know him a lot deeper before continuing to share my body and life with him. He definitely has the right to say "no thanks" and find someone else

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EntshuldigungOK t1_jadp0vr wrote

"I like you, and I want to continue that, and in time go beyond liking.

I think we are getting along swimmingly. Just one concern: The high pace has caught me by surprise.

It is a part of my personality - I tend to go slow and steady.

You have more of a passionate and driven persona. Think of it like this: I am like a reliable employee; you are more of an ambitious leader of a promising start-up.

And the simple reality is: I am finding it difficult to handle the pace.

So if it's OK with you, can we dial back the speed a little? I will try to increase my pace a little, and you can also perhaps slow down a little.

I hope I am not asking for too much. Let me know your thoughts - candidly".

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jacukkp wrote

Your post is so vague that it’s hard to give good advice.

I don’t know what you mean by “girlfriend duties” or what it is that you want to dial back.

Obviously you need to speak with him but you need to be far more specific than you are here or he isn’t going to have a clue what you’re asking for.

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abnormalaf OP t1_jacv7kf wrote

By dial it back I mean the part where I said "slow back down to more of a talking phase" rather than an official relationship.

Girlfriend duties as in: spending all my free time with him, having to be intimate, etc. Essentially his expectations for me as a girlfriend

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UsuallyWrite2 t1_jacvigp wrote

Don’t have sex you don’t want to have. And it’s not healthy to spend all of your free time with a partner.

It seems to me that you should forget dialing it back and just end it.

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tryingmybset t1_jacun2t wrote

There’s no way to make someone agree to it. You just have to be honest about how you’re feeling. You owe it to him, and to yourself.

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abnormalaf OP t1_jacvk53 wrote

I 100% will be honest. I guess I was just hoping there was a better way to say it... Like some verbiage I could use that still makes him feel cared for rather than it being his fault somehow. He tends to take any issue and make it his fault, even if I'm apologizing or being accountable too

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