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CrystalQueen3000 t1_jaec0hq wrote

You’re right, no one deserves to be abused.

I’m glad you have some support from your company and are able to be in a safe environment.

Hold on to the reasons you’re leaving and don’t go back.

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boofingmushies t1_jaecgif wrote

I’m not perfect. I’m autistic and have listening issues and emotional intelligence issues so half the time I just don’t get it and she gets so mad she screams at me and I swear I’ve never yelled half the horrendous stuff she does and that’s why I know it’s abusive. I’ve never wanted a single hair on her head harmed let alone tried to coerce or manipulate her like she does. I’m just sad for my kids. It sucks when kids are involved.

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Up-Town t1_jaemfpa wrote

BigMan, your fiancée's abusive behaviors cannot be excused -- but perhaps can be explained, especially if you would speak to a psychologist in your city. They may be due to her having very weak control over her own emotions (i.e., a lack of emotional skills she had no chance to learn in childhood). My exW has that problem. If it is an issue for your fiancée, you likely would be seeing 4 other red flags.

The first is a strong abandonment fear. I therefore ask whether, a few months into your relationship, she started showing strong jealousy over harmless events involving other women -- or tried to isolate you away from your close friends and family members? She would view your spending time with friends/family as your choosing them over her. Moreover, she usually would hate being alone by herself.

Second, you would be seeing her rely heavily on black-white thinking, wherein she tends to categorize some people as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me") and will recategorize them -- in just a few seconds -- from one polar extreme to the other based on a minor infraction.

Because she also uses B-W thinking in judging HERSELF, she would rarely acknowledge making a mistake or having a flaw. Doing so would imply, in her mind, she is "all bad." She thus would blame nearly all misfortunes/mistakes on you and view herself as "The Victim."

Further, to "validate" her victim status, she would keep a detailed mental list of every infraction/mistake you ever did (real or imagined) and would not hesitate to pull out the entire list to defend herself in the most insignificant disagreement with you. Moreover, this B-W thinking also would be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions like "you ALWAYS..." and "you NEVER...."

Third, you generally would not see her directing her anger at casual friends, coworkers, or total strangers. She usually gets along fine with them. Rather, her outbursts and temper tantrums almost exclusively would be directed against a close loved one (e.g., against you, a sibling, or her parents).

Fourth, you are convinced that she truly loves you. But you frequently see her flipping, on a dime, between Jekyll (loving you) and Hyde (devaluing or hating you) -- often making you feel like you're walking on eggshells around her. Such flips would occur in a few seconds in response to some minor thing you say or do. A few hours or days later, she can flip back just as quickly.

BigMan, have you been seeing strong occurrences of all 4 of these red flags?

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boofingmushies t1_jaep1zw wrote

Damn bro. She literally hits all fucking four to a T

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Up-Town t1_jaf33jq wrote

She literally hits all fucking four to a T.

BigMan, I suggest you see a psychologist to obtain a professional opinion on what you and your children are dealing with. My concern is that the 4 behaviors described above are red flags for BPD (borderline personality disorder), which my exW has.

I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have." Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means everyone occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (usually at a low level if the person is healthy). BPD traits are primitive defenses that, when used appropriately and in moderation, increase our chances of survival.

At issue, then, is not whether your ex-fiancée exhibits BPD traits. Of course she does. We all do. Rather, at issue is whether she exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum).

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your ex-fiancée has full-blown BPD. Only a professional can determine that. Instead, I'm suggesting you consider whether she may be a person with many strong BPD symptoms (i.e., may be a "pwBPD").

I’ve been steadily abused by my now ex-fiancée.

If your ex-fiancée is a pwBPD, BigMan, she carries much anger inside from early childhood. You therefore don't have to do a thing to CREATE the anger. Rather, you only have to do or say some minor thing that triggers a release of anger that is already there. This is why a pwBPD can burst into a rage in only a few seconds.

Moreover, the key defining characteristic of BPD is the inability to regulate one's own emotions, resulting in unstable behavior. This is why, outside the USA, most countries call this disorder "emotionally unstable personality disorder" (EUPD).

She has slapped me multiple times.

A substantial share of pwBPD never physically abuse their partners. Many of them do, however. This is why more than 30 empirical studies have found the physical abuse of a spouse or partner to be strongly associated with BPD.

And this is why "Intense, inappropriate anger" is one of the 9 defining traits for BPD. Indeed, the terms "anger," "impulsive behavior," and "unstable" appear in 4 of the 9 BPD Symptoms.

I miss and love my ex-fiancée.

If she is a pwBPD, she likely loves you too, BigMan. An untreated pwBPD is capable of loving you very intensely -- but it is the very immature type of love you see in young children. This means she will occasionally flip -- in only seconds -- from Jekyll (adoring you) to Hyde (devaluing or hating you). And a few hours or days later, she can flip back again just as quickly. These rapid flips arise from a primitive defense called "black-white thinking."

Like a young child, a pwBPD never had an opportunity to learn the emotional skills needed to handle two strong conflicting feelings (e.g., love and hate) at the same time. This means she has great difficulty tolerating ambiguities, uncertainties, and the other gray areas of close interpersonal relationships. She thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of her conscious mind.

With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only a few seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away. Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

Similarly, a pwBPD will categorize everyone close to her as "all good" ("with me") or "all bad" ("against me"). And she will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. This B-W thinking also will be evident in her frequent use of all-or-nothing expressions such as "You NEVER..." and "You ALWAYS...."

I cannot mentally handle it anymore.

Again, I suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what you and your kids are dealing with. Whenever strong BPD warning signs are appearing, it is important to see your own psychologist, i.e., one who has not treated or seen your GF.

In that way, BigMan, you're ensured that the psychologist is ethically bound to protect YOUR best interests, not hers. I mention this because therapists generally are loath to tell a high-functioning pwBPD the name of her disorder. They often decide that it is not in her best interests to be told.

Of course, learning to spot BPD warning signs will not enable you to diagnose her issues. Although strong BPD symptoms are easy to spot, only a professional can determine whether they are so severe and persistent as to constitute a full-blown disorder.

Yet, like learning warning signs for a stroke or heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a very painful situation -- and can help you decide when professional guidance is needed. I therefore suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs to see if most sound very familiar. If so and you have questions, BigMan, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

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Beck2010 t1_jaegxuf wrote

I am so sorry you’ve gone through all of this. So many people can’t or won’t believe men can be abused, and they absolutely can be and are abused.

If I may offer up some advice? Please try to only communicate through writing with her; written words can’t be as easily twisted as spoken words. If you must interact with her in person, make sure you’re recording the interaction, even if you’re not in a single party consent state. Try to get custody of your children. Your ex doesn’t sound very healthy, especially if she’s yelling about your genitalia to them.

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HHIOTF t1_jaf4fiv wrote

Oh god, I am so sorry. You have been through hell and seems like your fiancee just wants to double down on your misery.

First, though I don't know your mother I do know that YOU are not the reason she committed suicide so wipe that thought out of your head.

You are going to feel some relief even if you are sad. This woman is a terrible person. Can you also get custody of your child? That child has been indirectly abused by her as well for the way she treats you. Can you file a court order for custody? Put your love into that child. She doesn't deserve you.

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AnotherFullMonty t1_jaf4mlx wrote

You need to get out of this abusive relationship. She is abusive and sadistic. Please get a lawyer and find out what you can do for yourself regarding your children. They are very much in danger as well.

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