I (27F) broke up with my boyfriend (27M) of 4 years after he said he wasn't ready to live with me. Have I made the right decision?

Submitted by Ill-Inspector3071 t3_11eivbd in relationship_advice

I (27F) broke up with my boyfriend of several years last week and have been reeling in it since. I am heartbroken and am struggling to process my feelings, and want to check I've not acted too brashly. He is a wonderful person and as much as I am disappointed by how things worked out at this time and said things in anger on our last call, I care about him deeply and wouldn't want to talk bad about him as he means so much to me.

Situation that led to the breakup: since university, we have been doing long distance. The issue is, when we are together for the most part, I adore our time together. He makes me feel like the most attractive person, and we do stuff together, and in general I can just tell he loves me. The issue is, there is such little quality time that we manage to have, and the in-between period of texting and calling sucks and I find this period of time (which is the majority of the time) really frustrating. I don't feel like my personality comes across well on the phone and don't enjoy having the repetitive 'how is your day going?' convos when literally everything is the same. It frustrates me so much and I would have little energy with it and struggled to sustain convo when apart, especially as this has gone on for several years. Anyway, cus of the long distance, I would only see him after work when I stayed at his once a week (so I was super tired and not my best self anyway), and then occasional weekends together and every few months a trip away.

We had a talk a month or so ago after frustration came to a head, and we agreed that at the moment we were behaving more like friends than in a romantic relationship. Less intimacy, more 'mates'. Whilst I agreed, I was really sad about this, as I had constantly been saying we need more time together and more romance. We had what seemed to be a productive talk, and I suggested more trips away together and eventually moving in together. He agreed.

Weeks go by as is, he's making more effort in terms of talking about planning trips, but I realised that I wasn't being totally honest with myself, and trips weren't enough to sustain me. I had a talk with him and said that I wasn't being honest originally the more I thought about it, and that actually I feel like moving in together is the next step in our relationship to move forward, just to see if it would work. I said there was no pressure if it didn't, at least we tried. I realised trips away whilst lovely and important is still not real life, and would only be putting a temporary solution on it. He was really nervous about it, but said that we owed it to our relationship to try as there is a lot of love.

Fast forward a couple of weeks, and I was off sick work and looking at places to rent, so I finally sent him some links. These aren't places for a deposit or buying, just paying monthly rent in the same city he is in. He ignores me all day when I do this and when I have a call with him, he says that he's been anxious all day, and that he's not actually ready to move in. I felt like I had my hopes crushed then, and essentially gave an ultimatum and said that I can't do this any longer if he feels this way, especially as I had brought up living together 2 years earlier and waited it out. So the premise was we either try to move in in the next couple of months or go our separate ways.

We met up in person and spoke and it seemed optimistic. He said he's worried this would be a 'band aid' for a bigger issue. My argument was that, I can't see how this relationship can mature and progress if we don't take a leap and have that uninterrupted quality time, away from our families. Also, I don't feel like it's super affectionate when we aren't in person, and I wanted the romance and the affection. It just wasn't feeling super adult to me, constantly trying to figure out places to stay. Anyway, time passes and we speak about it the next day in what would be our make-it-or-break-it video call. He said he couldn't move in yet, and I said I couldn't stick around in that case. He said he was worried we were doing this at a bad point in our relationship, I said that I thought we were in a bad point in the relationship because of this. He said he wanted to stay in the relationship and work on things to someday work towards that, but I said I couldn't do that and I would just stay in limbo. I just wanted a gesture to show he was committed to work on us, but I didn't get that.

Please, someone tell me, am I throwing away a good thing? How long would you have waited around? What other solutions did you see? I am just desperate for some perspective, and more than anything want some peace. I am so sad, and thinking about going without laughing with him breaks my heart, but I don't know if that's enough.

!!! EDIT: Thanks for all your responses I will go through them properly later after work, I really appreciate all the advice. For context (details that were missed / not clear in my original posting):

  • Part of the reasoning he gave for not moving in was that he said that he is terrified of the future. He never talks about me in the future at all, but to be fair he doesn't talk about many things in that capacity at all. When we spoke, he said he is terrified of what could happen down the line and the unknowns. He has some personal issues at home that have been pressing in the past year (health issues with family) but that seems to be ok now (touch wood) and which I have rode out with him. It’s because things seem generally better that I thought now was the right time, but I fear he’s gotten too comfortable living with family. Also, he said that he is scared of committing and things going wrong down the line, or that things go well and this will now be our 'settled lives' for the rest of our lives and that this isn’t an issue with being with me, just a thought process that causes him to spiral and worry he will have regrets.

  • Additionally comments relating to marriage and kids and whether I would wait around for that - I don't feel even slightly ready for this stage of my life either, and can genuinely say it's not something I think about. Living together and eventually getting pet(s) together in the future though definitely is something I want though.

  • my work is in his city (although only 2 days a week so it’s not absolutely necessary for me to move there as I can commute) but it wouldn’t make sense for either of us if he were to move to me.

  • Last thing of note - me discussing moving in 2 years ago was during lockdown when we were separate. I brought it up and he said it was too early, and I said it's fine and tbh looking back on it I do agree with him, but I said in the next couple of years I would like to be working towards moving in together and he agreed. This is why I was fine not bringing it up or raising it again in this time period. Also, as mentioned, there had been health scares in his family intermittently so this time was dense with that.

Question: in your experience, does a man like this come back around eventually and realise that it's worth a shot? (Not sure if any information above is helpful)

91

Comments

You must log in or register to comment.

propsandpaws t1_jaebmw9 wrote

Have you ever heard the term “love isn’t always enough”? Well, it’s true. Sometimes you can care a lot for a person, but you don’t want the same things, you’re not in the same place, or someone isn’t ready to make a step that the other is. It’s always okay to leave. It shows that you have self worth for the things you want and are looking for. It’s possible that you guys can continue to communicate on this. His fears are in a way reasonable if you’ve been fighting, regardless if this is the main cause. Either way, I wish you peace! Just remember that you are capable of loving, and being loved in return. It’s always important to stand your ground with your needs, and you’ve shown yourself that.

183

Ill-Inspector3071 OP t1_jaeciqg wrote

Thank you so much for taking the time out to write this. But you're right, love isn't enough which I am very sadly realising. I don't know if it's fresh breakup brain but I of course would hope to some day work things out at this stage - whether that's realistic is a different story.

Also thank you for saying you wish me peace, it felt like a hug when I needed it most haha.

34

propsandpaws t1_jaed1gj wrote

You’re very welcome! I know it’s not easy. Give yourself room to feel, wether it’s to grieve the relationship, communicate further for closure or to find a common ground. You will figure it out with time!

14

Ill-Inspector3071 OP t1_jaeehfi wrote

Thank you again for your kindness, and I hope you have the best evening <3

6

GardenGood2Grow t1_jaecvqa wrote

I dated in a similar situation for 5 years. I was ready for marriage and a family, he wasn’t. We broke up. The next year I moved in with my new boyfriend and we agreed on a one year trial. After the year we would marry or split up. Happily married with 2 kids. If you are in different places you can’t force him to be ready. My husband is older and was ready for a commitment when I was. Move on.

92

Ill-Inspector3071 OP t1_jaeeqed wrote

I appreciate this - makes me feel like there's a light at the end of the tunnel at some point! I'm glad you're getting what you want in life now!

19

facinationstreet t1_jaeip6r wrote

am I throwing away a good thing?

You aren't happy, you both feel like you are friends vs. partners, you want to take more serious steps in the relationship, he doesn't and you've felt this way for 2+ years. If anything, you may have stayed too long in a relationship where the 2 of you weren't on the same page.

57

UsuallyWrite2 t1_jaebnz1 wrote

You two just aren’t compatible. I don’t think anything would have improved by living together. I think there are more issues in this relationship than distance.

33

Ill-Inspector3071 OP t1_jaec6e3 wrote

Thank you for that, you may be right. I was just wondering what made you think that? Again, thanks for your response I really appreciate it

6

UsuallyWrite2 t1_jaece05 wrote

I read your post. Things were not good even when you had time together. This one has run its course.

19

MckittenMan t1_jaed4y0 wrote

>We met up in person and spoke and it seemed optimistic. He said he's worried this would be a 'band aid' for a bigger issue.

And

>He said he was worried we were doing this at a bad point in our relationship, I said that I thought we were in a bad point in the relationship because of this.

I agree with your statement.

You're burnt out and feeling like there is no light at the end of the tunnel for the relationship.

You need to feel like the relationship is going somewhere and is thriving. Having a relationship feel stuck... is challenging to navigate.

Are you throwing away a good thing? Possibly. But you're not getting what you need out of your relationship and that is critical. It's dying on your end.

I understand that LDRs can be unavoidable, sometimes you transition into one. But I will never understand how people willingly sign up for one as a starting condition. They are so hard to balance and find fulfillment in.

I completely agree with your position though. Something needs to change. You need to have each-other in your everyday life. And if 4 years doesn't seem like its been enough time to move in... when will that bridge be crossed?

Really... at minimum, the two of you should be living in the same city by now, regardless if its a shared living space or not.

18

Ill-Inspector3071 OP t1_jaee8ea wrote

Thank you for saying this, I feel like I've felt like I've been going crazy. There's just always been some barrier to it. And I've lived in the same city in the past by moving out on my own and he would spend time with me there, but this wasn't permanent and I would move back home and we would be in separate cities again (so except for our 1 year in uni, we have lived in the same city for a total of about 7 months in the last over 3 years). I could in theory move back to the same city by myself and he could come by and stay with me, but I fear that's not the same level of commitment I am searching for.

7

MckittenMan t1_jaeijcs wrote

Exactly... barriers need to be broken down. You cannot have a permanent wall in a relationship. There needs progress in some form.

And that is a fair conclusion. You being the one moving there, would be like you're settling for less and the bigger contributor to put things in motion.

Might have been worth to just test his POV on moving to you. If he was completely against it, then I would assume things are very one-sided.

5

Ill-Inspector3071 OP t1_jaejude wrote

From my understanding, it's more the fact he doesn't want to leave home. Also my work is in his city too, so it wouldn't make sense for him to move in my direction unfortunately. So in this case there seems to be no resolve :(

3

SnooWords4839 t1_jaeslih wrote

If after 4 years and he doesn't want to take the next step, best to end it and move on. How many years would you wait for the next step and the step after?

10

SimpleAd1548 t1_jaeu9x6 wrote

You weren’t throwing away the happy future where you lived together because he didn’t want that, instead you stepped away from more years of things continuing as they were ( Good in person but feeling like mates and with no end in sight as he refused to change things). You did the right thing.

7

LaPakawaka t1_jaev538 wrote

I moved in with my husband the week before we got married. It was a learning curve but the desire to make it work and to be together was there on both our ends. It does not seem like he is there on his end. Relationships don’t work if only one person is in.

Say you move in with him, at what point do you think you will want a proposal or kids? Are you willing to commit to the relationship long term knowing he will drag his feet for an undetermined amount of time? How long are you willing to be unhappy for?

6

twicescorned21 t1_jaf12bx wrote

I did a ldr for that many years. We had spent time a handful of times. I relate to many things you felt. I commend you for willing to move to him. The fact that he wasn't ready for it. Is more on him than you.

How many years do you want to keep this going?

Me and my ex lived worlds apart. He expected me to give up everything to move to him and didn't want to make any concessions...oh wait, he was willing to make one: he would swallow his pride and marry me to "make me happy". His sacrifice to marry me was his big self sacrifice.

What an asshole. I regret meeting him.

You have to live your life and make new experiences.

6

propsandpaws t1_jaebo3m wrote

Have you ever heard the term “love isn’t always enough”? Well, it’s true. Sometimes you can care a lot for a person, but you don’t want the same things, you’re not in the same place, or someone isn’t ready to make a step that the other is. It’s always okay to leave. It shows that you have self worth for the things you want and are looking for. It’s possible that you guys can continue to communicate on this. His fears are in a way reasonable if you’ve been fighting, regardless if this is the main cause. Either way, I wish you peace! Just remember that you are capable of loving, and being loved in return. It’s always important to stand your ground with your needs, and you’ve shown yourself that.

2