Welcome to /r/relationship_advice. Please make sure you read our rules here. We'd like to take this time to remind users that:

• We do not allow any type of am I the asshole? or situations/content involving minors

• Any sort of namecalling, insults,etc will result in the comment being removed and the user being banned. (Including but not limited to: slut, bitch, whore, for the streets, etc. It does not matter to whom you are referring.)

• ALL advice given must be good, ethical advice. Joke advice or advice that is conspiratorial or just plain terrible will be removed, and users my be subject to a ban.

• No referencing hateful subreddits and/or their rhetoric. Examples include, but is not limited to: red/blue/black/purplepill, PUA, FDS, MGTOW, etc. This includes, but is not limited to, referring to people as alpha/beta, calling yourself or users "friend-zoned", referring to people as Chads, Tyrones, or Staceys, pick-me's, or pornsick. Any infractions of this rule will result in a ban. This is not an all-inclusive list.

• All bans in this subreddit are permanent. You don't get a free pass.

• What we cannot give advice on: rants, unsolicited advice, medical conditions/advice, mental illness, letters to an ex, "body counts" or number of sexual partners, legal problems, financial problems, situations involving minors, and/or abuse (violence, sexual, emotional etc). All of these will be removed and locked. This is not an all-inclusive list.

If you have any questions, please send us a modmail.

#This is an automatic comment that appears on all posts. This comment does not necessarily mean your post violates any rules.

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.

It is never your fault when you communicate what you are lacking in your marriage. My partner is a gamer and loves it. Has taken days off for WOW tournaments and releases. He always asks if im okay with that and makes himself available and best of all whenever we watch something he is never on his phone. Its a boundary I made to him. A relationship needs to 2 people give it their all.

I personally recommend to have one last sit down with your partner. Turn off wifi and leave phones whatever other devices in a different room if thats what it takes.

You need your husband to be present in this marriage and if they are not willing to give that then they need let you know so you can find someone who is actually willing to pay attention to you.

What they is a addiction and if they want actual make this marriage work. They need therapy and heavily dial down the gaming.

[removed]

Thank you. I feel crazy but the more I journal and talk to my therapist about it, the more I feel like I have a right to feel the way I do. And that there has to be a balance somewhere. The first time it ever got really bad was because of WOW. It was 24/7 to not lose game progress. They knew more about people’s kids schedules than our own.

I feel like I would be 100% ok with it if all responsibilities are done (they often slack on their responsibilities to game- dishwasher, pets)

I really like the boundaries you have set and am so glad they work for you! I get that they love gaming and I don’t want to take that away. I have tried similar and it’s just the “you’ll never be happy unless I’m not gaming” or a huff about how I’m harassing them. I feel like a mom.

It seems like their therapist supports their gaming as an outlet. They didn’t play for a week after our conversation and they said their therapist “was worried”. And it just makes me feel like they’re getting an echo chamber but I don’t know.

Thank you so much for your advice and support ❤️

I have been "your husband" and frankly it took my wife saying she wanted a divorce to get me to change. It should have never gotten that far, but it sounds close to where you are also. As long as she enabled me, I wouldn't have changed. It was only when I realized I had lost her that I understood just how far detached I had become.

You should never stay in a relationship hoping they will change. That part is definitely on you, but the attention you're asking isn't too much. A partner needs to be present for you. Its not a big ask.

Here's the thing about true change and game addiction, though:

1. He has to actually ... not want a divorce. If you threaten it, then you have to mean it and go through with it.
2. It's a lot of hard work! Like I cant fng understate this. I was seeing 2 therapists and a marriage councelor and my wife was definitely in the "youre just going to go back to how you were as soon as i say I'll stay" camp so she did not want to recommit to me or our marriage due to that lack of trust.

Its hard work for both of you and I probably thought two dozen times over 2 years "why am i doing this? It would be easier to divorce." It would have been.

Don't let anyone tell you "people can't change" but do understand they really, really need to want it and they really need to work hard at it. If your husband just goes through the motions to appease you, but nothing changes then he's not willing to put in the effort to save your failing marriage.

That's how I feel from experience about your situation.

Yes, yes you will be freaking happy when you can spend time with your husband without them staring at a screen. What you are asking for is in my eyes an easy and valid request.

Might I suggest marriage counseling? You and your husband seems to need that. At the end you need decide if things aren’t changing. Is this how you picture marriage to be like? Can you see yourself living like this for years and years to come?

I wish you all the best and I hope you will end up with the life you need and deserve! You got my support!

Thank you. I needed this. And I do blame myself for pacifying it for so long. I told them that I am out of back and forth and today they just said “I am not fighting about video games again” so I very really have to accept that I am at my breaking point. I feel like I just have to “play the part” that all is good for the next few weeks for them to either step up and have this be worked on or to be disappointed again and be done.

I struggle with divorce because if I am saying it, it’s not a threat and there will be no going back. My husband will not be able to save the marriage if I go there and while I am glad it worked for you, I can’t see myself threatening divorce. Either this gets fixed with a mutual commitment or they will be served papers.

We are both in individual therapy and tried premarital counseling. We both have agreed to going back to counseling as marriage counseling but I have not seen any effort and struggle to find my own effort in finding one. Maybe that can be my effort in trying is finding a few couples therapists. Thank you

That’s the biggest thing I circle on is that “I can’t spend the rest of my life like this” and getting married kind of made that turn from a thing in the back of my head to a blaring red sign.

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

Everyone plays their role in a relationship. Don't beat yourself up over it. Grow into a better partner and a better advocate for yourself moving forward.

If you don't establish clear boundaries, if you don't communicate your needs aren't being met, if you enable unhealthy lifestyle and unhealthy relationship then its time for you to change that for yourself. You should demand better for yourself. Your needs are not unreasonable.

My situation was a bit more complicated than I expressed. She technically didn't threaten divorce. But it's easiest to explain in that way. It took a ton of mutual effort. Her trust had been completely shattered. It took years of effort.

I still play video games. Every day just about. I'm playing one right now! But I know I need to be present with my family and I make time for them every day and I thoroughly enjoy that time instead of resenting it and wishing I were playing a game. A healthy balance can be achieved if everyone puts in the effort.

I'm happy to talk to you about this at length or in more detail if you need.

Absolutely. I get embarrassed that I allowed it for so long and all the time that was wasted. But nothings going to get better if I keep reflecting on it.

I try to establish boundaries but it has proven to be hard because they just think I’m out to get video games. They feel like the “other woman” lol

I totally understand that! I have made it very clear that this is it and things need to change. I just hope it’s enough but it’s hard to even hope based on how much they have let me down in the past. I really don’t trust them at all regarding it because it’s either video games or DND it feels like.

I am so glad you have found a healthy balance and a healed relationship with your wife! I struggle to even think about kids right now even though I want them because I don’t feel like I can trust them. I am going to find a few therapists and if anything else arises as far as questions on my end I will absolutely reach out. Thank you for offering. I appreciate it so much, this shit feels so lonely

Well you're on a throwaway account so I wont be able to find you after much longer. You can DM me or find me anytime.

One of the things I have taken away from my ... difficult journey ... is that coming here and talking about parts of it makes it feel validated a little. The fact I can give you some comfort and reassurance makes me feel like everything I went through can be helpful to share with others.

The whole "this is just about video games" or "your jealous of video games" are deflections and gaslighting. I said some of those same things. Its very immature and it attempts to make it seem like you're unreasonable (jealous of a hobby!) because you need more partnership from your partner. Not that they're the unreasonable one because they cant do the bare minimum of doing the dishes because they have dailies on WoW to do.

I don't know how to get him to stop doing that, but I understand (now) that its not about the hobby. Its about the neglect to do everything else that isnt the hobby... like show affection, appreciation, and help out around the house once in a while. 😉 I wish I had some magic words you could say to get through that deliberate barrier, but don't believe it. Its a deflection.