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Kirutaru t1_jaed12q wrote

I have been "your husband" and frankly it took my wife saying she wanted a divorce to get me to change. It should have never gotten that far, but it sounds close to where you are also. As long as she enabled me, I wouldn't have changed. It was only when I realized I had lost her that I understood just how far detached I had become.

You should never stay in a relationship hoping they will change. That part is definitely on you, but the attention you're asking isn't too much. A partner needs to be present for you. Its not a big ask.

Here's the thing about true change and game addiction, though:

  1. He has to actually ... not want a divorce. If you threaten it, then you have to mean it and go through with it.
  2. It's a lot of hard work! Like I cant fng understate this. I was seeing 2 therapists and a marriage councelor and my wife was definitely in the "youre just going to go back to how you were as soon as i say I'll stay" camp so she did not want to recommit to me or our marriage due to that lack of trust.

Its hard work for both of you and I probably thought two dozen times over 2 years "why am i doing this? It would be easier to divorce." It would have been.

Don't let anyone tell you "people can't change" but do understand they really, really need to want it and they really need to work hard at it. If your husband just goes through the motions to appease you, but nothing changes then he's not willing to put in the effort to save your failing marriage.

That's how I feel from experience about your situation.

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THROWRA022823 OP t1_jaegtxx wrote

Thank you. I needed this. And I do blame myself for pacifying it for so long. I told them that I am out of back and forth and today they just said “I am not fighting about video games again” so I very really have to accept that I am at my breaking point. I feel like I just have to “play the part” that all is good for the next few weeks for them to either step up and have this be worked on or to be disappointed again and be done.

I struggle with divorce because if I am saying it, it’s not a threat and there will be no going back. My husband will not be able to save the marriage if I go there and while I am glad it worked for you, I can’t see myself threatening divorce. Either this gets fixed with a mutual commitment or they will be served papers.

We are both in individual therapy and tried premarital counseling. We both have agreed to going back to counseling as marriage counseling but I have not seen any effort and struggle to find my own effort in finding one. Maybe that can be my effort in trying is finding a few couples therapists. Thank you

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Kirutaru t1_jaej1ml wrote

Everyone plays their role in a relationship. Don't beat yourself up over it. Grow into a better partner and a better advocate for yourself moving forward.

If you don't establish clear boundaries, if you don't communicate your needs aren't being met, if you enable unhealthy lifestyle and unhealthy relationship then its time for you to change that for yourself. You should demand better for yourself. Your needs are not unreasonable.

My situation was a bit more complicated than I expressed. She technically didn't threaten divorce. But it's easiest to explain in that way. It took a ton of mutual effort. Her trust had been completely shattered. It took years of effort.

I still play video games. Every day just about. I'm playing one right now! But I know I need to be present with my family and I make time for them every day and I thoroughly enjoy that time instead of resenting it and wishing I were playing a game. A healthy balance can be achieved if everyone puts in the effort.

I'm happy to talk to you about this at length or in more detail if you need.

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THROWRA022823 OP t1_jaekaws wrote

Absolutely. I get embarrassed that I allowed it for so long and all the time that was wasted. But nothings going to get better if I keep reflecting on it.

I try to establish boundaries but it has proven to be hard because they just think I’m out to get video games. They feel like the “other woman” lol

I totally understand that! I have made it very clear that this is it and things need to change. I just hope it’s enough but it’s hard to even hope based on how much they have let me down in the past. I really don’t trust them at all regarding it because it’s either video games or DND it feels like.

I am so glad you have found a healthy balance and a healed relationship with your wife! I struggle to even think about kids right now even though I want them because I don’t feel like I can trust them. I am going to find a few therapists and if anything else arises as far as questions on my end I will absolutely reach out. Thank you for offering. I appreciate it so much, this shit feels so lonely

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Kirutaru t1_jaen3st wrote

Well you're on a throwaway account so I wont be able to find you after much longer. You can DM me or find me anytime.

One of the things I have taken away from my ... difficult journey ... is that coming here and talking about parts of it makes it feel validated a little. The fact I can give you some comfort and reassurance makes me feel like everything I went through can be helpful to share with others.

The whole "this is just about video games" or "your jealous of video games" are deflections and gaslighting. I said some of those same things. Its very immature and it attempts to make it seem like you're unreasonable (jealous of a hobby!) because you need more partnership from your partner. Not that they're the unreasonable one because they cant do the bare minimum of doing the dishes because they have dailies on WoW to do.

I don't know how to get him to stop doing that, but I understand (now) that its not about the hobby. Its about the neglect to do everything else that isnt the hobby... like show affection, appreciation, and help out around the house once in a while. 😉 I wish I had some magic words you could say to get through that deliberate barrier, but don't believe it. Its a deflection.

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