I can’t tell if I’m the asshole(25f) or I’m being gaslight by my husband (24NB)

Submitted by THROWRA022823 t3_11eipuh in relationship_advice

My (25f) husband (24nb) have been fighting for YEARS over video games. It’s either an all or nothing for them. For years I have been yelled at for asking for more time with them, they have tried breaking a computer and leaving overnight with no update. It feels abusive to me. A few weeks ago I gave up and cried, which is common for me, but said I can’t keep doing this. For years I have said it’s an addiction but it feels like just now they are hearing me. They said they have “a plan” and will occasionally play and make time with me. It’s been good for the 2 weeks they’ve been doing it but I have had 4 years of “I’ll change” on a cycle every 2-3 months and being disappointed after they go back to it full time after a month. I feel traumatized and like I have no trust in them. Every time I bring this up and say I need some understanding as well as it is hard to trust again, especially when they’re the one who did all the damage. I am open to trusting and trying but every time my reaction isn’t perfect or I mention how I have been hurt they get upset and tell me if I just keep focusing on the past they’re going to go back to their ways because all I want is someone to hang around me 24/7. I feel bad for making them feel bad, like I have to apologize. Then they make me feel guilty for making them feel like they can’t do anything but spend time with me. I feel like there’s no happy middle.

Even now, they play less console games but they can’t even watch a TV show without playing a phone game. It doesn’t feel like quality time as they’re just looking down at their phone every time I look over to see their reaction to something funny.

To me, if it’s being classified as an addition it needs to stop entirely. Anytime I have brought it up before it’s just “a part of them that won’t change”, it feels wrong. Part of me hopes that this is just us being young and learning to grow together, which we committed to doing but with each day and conversation I feel more lost. Anyways, part of me thinks it’s 50/50- that it’s my fault for bringing up how they hurt me continuously,but it really doesn’t feel like they care. And that they should have better boundaries with video games and be more understanding so I don’t feel like I have to over explain.

Honestly I am just beating myself up because I knew who they were when we got married and I just keep hoping they’d change because when they take a break from all games, it is so so good. But it feels my fault.

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Kirutaru t1_jaed12q wrote

I have been "your husband" and frankly it took my wife saying she wanted a divorce to get me to change. It should have never gotten that far, but it sounds close to where you are also. As long as she enabled me, I wouldn't have changed. It was only when I realized I had lost her that I understood just how far detached I had become.

You should never stay in a relationship hoping they will change. That part is definitely on you, but the attention you're asking isn't too much. A partner needs to be present for you. Its not a big ask.

Here's the thing about true change and game addiction, though:

  1. He has to actually ... not want a divorce. If you threaten it, then you have to mean it and go through with it.
  2. It's a lot of hard work! Like I cant fng understate this. I was seeing 2 therapists and a marriage councelor and my wife was definitely in the "youre just going to go back to how you were as soon as i say I'll stay" camp so she did not want to recommit to me or our marriage due to that lack of trust.

Its hard work for both of you and I probably thought two dozen times over 2 years "why am i doing this? It would be easier to divorce." It would have been.

Don't let anyone tell you "people can't change" but do understand they really, really need to want it and they really need to work hard at it. If your husband just goes through the motions to appease you, but nothing changes then he's not willing to put in the effort to save your failing marriage.

That's how I feel from experience about your situation.

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THROWRA022823 OP t1_jaegtxx wrote

Thank you. I needed this. And I do blame myself for pacifying it for so long. I told them that I am out of back and forth and today they just said “I am not fighting about video games again” so I very really have to accept that I am at my breaking point. I feel like I just have to “play the part” that all is good for the next few weeks for them to either step up and have this be worked on or to be disappointed again and be done.

I struggle with divorce because if I am saying it, it’s not a threat and there will be no going back. My husband will not be able to save the marriage if I go there and while I am glad it worked for you, I can’t see myself threatening divorce. Either this gets fixed with a mutual commitment or they will be served papers.

We are both in individual therapy and tried premarital counseling. We both have agreed to going back to counseling as marriage counseling but I have not seen any effort and struggle to find my own effort in finding one. Maybe that can be my effort in trying is finding a few couples therapists. Thank you

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Kirutaru t1_jaej1ml wrote

Everyone plays their role in a relationship. Don't beat yourself up over it. Grow into a better partner and a better advocate for yourself moving forward.

If you don't establish clear boundaries, if you don't communicate your needs aren't being met, if you enable unhealthy lifestyle and unhealthy relationship then its time for you to change that for yourself. You should demand better for yourself. Your needs are not unreasonable.

My situation was a bit more complicated than I expressed. She technically didn't threaten divorce. But it's easiest to explain in that way. It took a ton of mutual effort. Her trust had been completely shattered. It took years of effort.

I still play video games. Every day just about. I'm playing one right now! But I know I need to be present with my family and I make time for them every day and I thoroughly enjoy that time instead of resenting it and wishing I were playing a game. A healthy balance can be achieved if everyone puts in the effort.

I'm happy to talk to you about this at length or in more detail if you need.

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THROWRA022823 OP t1_jaekaws wrote

Absolutely. I get embarrassed that I allowed it for so long and all the time that was wasted. But nothings going to get better if I keep reflecting on it.

I try to establish boundaries but it has proven to be hard because they just think I’m out to get video games. They feel like the “other woman” lol

I totally understand that! I have made it very clear that this is it and things need to change. I just hope it’s enough but it’s hard to even hope based on how much they have let me down in the past. I really don’t trust them at all regarding it because it’s either video games or DND it feels like.

I am so glad you have found a healthy balance and a healed relationship with your wife! I struggle to even think about kids right now even though I want them because I don’t feel like I can trust them. I am going to find a few therapists and if anything else arises as far as questions on my end I will absolutely reach out. Thank you for offering. I appreciate it so much, this shit feels so lonely

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Kirutaru t1_jaen3st wrote

Well you're on a throwaway account so I wont be able to find you after much longer. You can DM me or find me anytime.

One of the things I have taken away from my ... difficult journey ... is that coming here and talking about parts of it makes it feel validated a little. The fact I can give you some comfort and reassurance makes me feel like everything I went through can be helpful to share with others.

The whole "this is just about video games" or "your jealous of video games" are deflections and gaslighting. I said some of those same things. Its very immature and it attempts to make it seem like you're unreasonable (jealous of a hobby!) because you need more partnership from your partner. Not that they're the unreasonable one because they cant do the bare minimum of doing the dishes because they have dailies on WoW to do.

I don't know how to get him to stop doing that, but I understand (now) that its not about the hobby. Its about the neglect to do everything else that isnt the hobby... like show affection, appreciation, and help out around the house once in a while. 😉 I wish I had some magic words you could say to get through that deliberate barrier, but don't believe it. Its a deflection.

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cordebono t1_jae9ksv wrote

It is never your fault when you communicate what you are lacking in your marriage. My partner is a gamer and loves it. Has taken days off for WOW tournaments and releases. He always asks if im okay with that and makes himself available and best of all whenever we watch something he is never on his phone. Its a boundary I made to him. A relationship needs to 2 people give it their all.

I personally recommend to have one last sit down with your partner. Turn off wifi and leave phones whatever other devices in a different room if thats what it takes.

You need your husband to be present in this marriage and if they are not willing to give that then they need let you know so you can find someone who is actually willing to pay attention to you.

What they is a addiction and if they want actual make this marriage work. They need therapy and heavily dial down the gaming.

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THROWRA022823 OP t1_jaec76y wrote

Thank you. I feel crazy but the more I journal and talk to my therapist about it, the more I feel like I have a right to feel the way I do. And that there has to be a balance somewhere. The first time it ever got really bad was because of WOW. It was 24/7 to not lose game progress. They knew more about people’s kids schedules than our own.

I feel like I would be 100% ok with it if all responsibilities are done (they often slack on their responsibilities to game- dishwasher, pets)

I really like the boundaries you have set and am so glad they work for you! I get that they love gaming and I don’t want to take that away. I have tried similar and it’s just the “you’ll never be happy unless I’m not gaming” or a huff about how I’m harassing them. I feel like a mom.

It seems like their therapist supports their gaming as an outlet. They didn’t play for a week after our conversation and they said their therapist “was worried”. And it just makes me feel like they’re getting an echo chamber but I don’t know.

Thank you so much for your advice and support ❤️

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cordebono t1_jaee6yh wrote

Yes, yes you will be freaking happy when you can spend time with your husband without them staring at a screen. What you are asking for is in my eyes an easy and valid request.

Might I suggest marriage counseling? You and your husband seems to need that. At the end you need decide if things aren’t changing. Is this how you picture marriage to be like? Can you see yourself living like this for years and years to come?

I wish you all the best and I hope you will end up with the life you need and deserve! You got my support!

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THROWRA022823 OP t1_jaegzf4 wrote

That’s the biggest thing I circle on is that “I can’t spend the rest of my life like this” and getting married kind of made that turn from a thing in the back of my head to a blaring red sign.

Thank you ❤️❤️❤️

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